Hanging On

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Gone with wind, I’m drowning in a river

Caught in between the lies of a sinner

Kept inside all the years gone by

I’m trapped in a maze with blindfolded eyes

I’m lying to you and I’m lying to me

I’m running from the past that’s not chasing me

I’m up late at night just trying not to cry

Got voices in my head, am I hearing them right?

Lost in the echoes of my screams that

Don’t exist cause I won’t set them free

Got time on my mind cause it moves too fast

Like I’m caught in between the grains of an hourglass

 

And I don’t know where

I belong yet

And I don’t know when

I’ll figure it out

But I’m hanging on

To everything I’ve got

Cause it’s all I have

That’s keeping me up

And I swear I never meant to hurt anyone

I wanna make amends

I lost myself to a cold cruel world

That loves to see lives end

But I’m hanging on

I’m hanging on

 

I stand in the mirror, hours at a time

Just trying to accept that this body’s mine

My life isn’t perfect but it’s not bad

I’m conscious enough to know what I have

They say the more you smile the happier you’ll be

But when that smile is fake what the hell do you believe,

When lies get told and promises break

It takes everything I have just to look the other way

Standing on the edge I’m holding my breath

There’s a feeling in the air as I take another step

It’s eerie and its quiet, no one is around

And the rain is pouring down

 

And I don’t know where

I belong yet

And I don’t know when

I’ll figure it out

But I’m hanging on

To everything I’ve got

Cause it’s all I have

That’s keeping me up

And I swear I never meant to hurt anyone

I wanna make amends

I lost myself to a cold cruel world

That loves to see lives end

But I’m hanging on

 

I’m hanging on to the rope that’s kept me up

I’m hanging on to this life I’ve made me

And all this time, my body’s shaking

I’m hanging on to what’s left of me now

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I have so much to say and no idea how to say any of it

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I sit here right now, at 9pm, thinking about a lot.

Thinking about what happened just a few nights ago,

thinking about how I feel about it, why it happened,

thinking about how much I want to not be thinking about it.

I sit here right now feeling like I’m forcing myself to write this,

not out of a fear or anxiety of doing so, but rather a lack of interest in what I am saying.

I always have so much to say, so many thoughts and feeling in my head, but the second I type in this website address and hit “add new post”, my mind goes blank and I become robotic.

It doesn’t make much sense to me because just sixty seconds ago I had thoughts upon thoughts ciricleing and suddenly they’re all silent.

I sit here right now trying way too hard to write what is on my mind, but don’t you comment anything like “you just have to go with it, let it flow, relax and type” because that’s not how my brain works. I’m a thinker. I live in my head. Getting out of it, even just putting words on paper, which is actually something that lyrically I am quite good at, I can’t seem to do it here. I’m guessing it’s a judgment thing towards myself. I don’t know.

I sit here right now thinking this is not at all where I thought this was going to go, nor is it what I wanted to say at all.

I wanted to recap the events that transpired on Saturday night, the good events, the events that happened after the bad ones.

I wanted to write about how confused I am so that I could lay it all out in front of me, but I can’t seem to figure out how in the heck to make that happen.

I wanted to write about my coworker for two seconds because I am so envious of her and that makes me feel guilty because I’m not being fair to myself.

I wanted to write about how I have opinions on very controversial topics that would piss people off, but I do not think I could pull that off because I value being liked over stating how I feel.

I wanted to write about how grateful I am to have this one specific person in my life and write about how I feel about that person both positively and negatively.

I wanted to write about how I feel guilty for telling another person about what they did to me and how I took it. I want to apologize and take it back and let them know that they aren’t a bad person. But I cannot do that.

I wanted to write about how I’m kind of over what happened to me physically, but I’m not over all of these thoughts of guilt and acting about it. I should talk to someone but then I feel terrible for having to go back to therapy AGAIN.

I am so torn in so many directions and I am so very confused.

I have so much to say and absolutely no idea how to say any of it.

Puzzle Pieces

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I am not broken, I was not glued back together.

I lost part of me with him, I lost a lot of what made me who I am,

There were a lot of pieces of me that were removed,

and he filled those then empty spaces with who he wanted me to be.

It’s kind of like trying to fit pieces of one puzzle into a different one and pushing and pushing until it fits just enough to hold.

In order to heal, I had to identify which pieces were the ones that he shoved into me and remove them.

Then go on a hunt and find the pieces of MY puzzle and put them back where they belong.

He did not break me. I was never really “broken”, but rather…missing pieces.

But I found them. I removed his pieces and I found mine and I put my puzzle back together again.

Little do I Know

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Little do you know I’m,

wide awake while you’re sleeping just fine

Little do you know I’m,

still healing while you’re living your life

And little you do you know my,

mind is racing but I

I’m gonna be just fine

I’m gonna be just fine

‘Cause little do I know I have got one hell of a drive

to make it through all your abuse and come out on the other side

And even in my darkest times

When your words invade my space

And those memories form nightmares that I cannot escape

I will be just fine

I will be alright

This is what you did to me – song?

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This is what you did to me

Broke me down made me believe,

That everything you said and everything you did was all out of love, was it all in my head?

No, this is what you did to me

Left me crying there into your sheets

And I never said a word, cause what was there to say?

I told you go ahead so am I to blame?

Every time I try to open up my eyes to the facts of the matter I feel like a liar

Cause I don’t want to blame you when it’s easier to blame me

So for now I’ll just stay here and remember what you did to me.

I’m featured in a book!

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A few months back, I was approached by an author who was writing a book about sexual assault/sexual indecency. I was asked if a previous post of mine titled “I am the survivor” could be features in the book, I agreed. I do not make any income from this book what so ever; I am just so honored that the author felt my post was compelling enough to be placed in their book alongside dozens of other personal sexual assault/indecency stories.

The book, titled Please Tell Someone, is finally published (self published) on amazon.com! Check out the link below to purchase the book for just $5.00. I received a free PDF copy since my post is featured in the book and I am so excited about it!

I truly recommend that anyone who has dealt with sexual abuse/assault/indecency read this book. It is so personal and raw, while also portraying empowerment and the will to overcome something you never thought you’d have to face. It’s a wonderful collection of works and personal stories that I am so grateful and excited to be a part of.

 

Link to book: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B01MU2ZQPP

Link to authors post about the book: https://junidesireeblog.wordpress.com/2017/01/25/book-dedicated-to-sexual-assault-survivors/

If you want to see which post of mine is featured in the book, visit my page and search for the piece titled “I am the Survivor”.

A Year of Blogging: Day 7

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Q: Whose lot would you prefer for retirement: that of a simple fisherman with a large and devoted family, that of a successful executive with lots of money and contacts, or that of an academic with many stimulating interests and colleagues?

A: I would prefer the third one, an academic with stimulating interests and colleagues. I feel like this option is a nice middle ground between the other two mentioned and is all the closest to a retirement lifestyle I see myself having. In the grand scheme of things, I am a simple girl who only needs a few close friends and her immediate family to feel complete socially. I don’t feel I need money to be happy or even live a full life so that isn’t all that important to me, but I’m also a bit of a loner so a large family just doesn’t mean as much to me as my small one.

When I retire, I’d like to reside somewhere closer to nature where my neighbors aren’t within spitting distance, but I am also not totally secluded from society. I’d like to have a lot of land around me and have a nice view to look out at. I’d want to live simply and comfortably with a couple close friends nearby and my family around as well. I don’t need a bunch of contacts, or a retirement fund loaded with more zeroes than I know what to do with, but I also don’t want my family there 24/7. I need me time, ya know? So the academic sounds the most like me seeing as I love to write and I love to learn. Colleagues to me are people who I can call up and hangout with when I feel lonely or bored, but they’re not devoted to my life and they’re also not just contacts in a phone. They’re in the middle. A simple retirement with people close to me, enough money to be comfortable, and a location that’s secluded but not so far out that I’ll never see people again 🙂

 

Let me know where you guys stand on this question by creating your own blog post or leaving me a comment! If you make your own post, use the hashtag #wherewouldyouretire so I can find it!