Tell me hunny

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Throw up my life into a paper cup
Tell me hunny, do I look good enough?
Hit the ground, I’m never getting up
Tell me hunny, how’s my makeup look?

Shatterred in pieces but I’m doing fine
I’ll take a drag and ill walk that line
Between who I am and who I’m becoming
This isn’t the end but it feels like it’s coming

I’m hiding myself from no one but me
Crimson red paint that’s dripping around me
Down on me knees, looking up at the sky
Is it raining tonight or is it the tears in my eyes?
I’m hiding myself from no one but me
Turn off all the lights I dont want to see
The girl in the mirror she’s screaming at me
Saying she’s sorry, I’m sorry, to me.

 

 

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Song bit

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I don’t like looking back, three years ago I never had, any friends, any hope,

I gave them up all for a joke, Of a man who laid his hands on parts of me he shouldn’t have,

and yes I knew, I swear I knew, that I had to leave but I couldn’t move,

Cause at one, point in time, you, had me by my mind and I almost lost it all, you didn’t care you watched me fall

But that was then and this is now and now is always gonna change but today it’s safe to say that I’m gonna be okay
I say I’m gonna be okay

I don’t know what it’s like…

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I don’t know what it’s like to know exactly who you are.

I don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror, day and after day, and see no flaws.

Better yet, I don’t even know what it’s like to see flaws and accept them because you know you’re only human.

I don’t know what it’s like to wake up in the morning excited about the day ahead.

I don’t know what it’s like to see something new, different, and feel this overwhelming sensation that equates to holding your hand over a flame, knowing that, that thing you’re witnessing is what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a passion for something so strong that any negative thought or painful doubt you have about it is insignificant.

I don’t know what it’s like to be 100% authentically you.

I don’t know what it’s like to enter a room full of people and be nothing but calm.

I don’t know what it’s like to love yourself.

I don’t know what it’s like to feel someone touch you for the first time and get that wave of excitement, because all I feel is fear.

Just the thought of a simple hand holding gesture making me wince some days.

I don’t know what it’s like to be untouched and beautiful

I don’t know…a lot…of things.

I don’t know a lot of things that I should know,

that I want to know,

and I don’t know that I ever will.

Blogmas Day 19: Ciao, Adios

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I wrote a thing tonight that I wanted to share with you guys and get some opinions on. I don’t know if it’s one piece or two separate pieces that I just put together but shouldn’t be or what…but I hope you enjoy reading it!

Ciao, Adios

You smile at me

It’s unsettling

You’re gritting your teeth

I’m falling to my knees

I’m looking away

Scared to leave your place

Cause last time I tried

I saw that look in your eyes

And I knew I was trapped,

In this hell where I couldn’t fight back

But I have been here for too long

It’s about time I tell you I’m done

 

And I say,

Ciao, adios, see you never, here’s a toast

To us being over and done

To this war I’ve finally won.

And I say,

Keep my stuff, I don’t care, turn it into ashes piercing the air

This is my time to celebrate

Say goodbye, I’m walking away

 

Hanging On

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Gone with wind, I’m drowning in a river

Caught in between the lies of a sinner

Kept inside all the years gone by

I’m trapped in a maze with blindfolded eyes

I’m lying to you and I’m lying to me

I’m running from the past that’s not chasing me

I’m up late at night just trying not to cry

Got voices in my head, am I hearing them right?

Lost in the echoes of my screams that

Don’t exist cause I won’t set them free

Got time on my mind cause it moves too fast

Like I’m caught in between the grains of an hourglass

 

And I don’t know where

I belong yet

And I don’t know when

I’ll figure it out

But I’m hanging on

To everything I’ve got

Cause it’s all I have

That’s keeping me up

And I swear I never meant to hurt anyone

I wanna make amends

I lost myself to a cold cruel world

That loves to see lives end

But I’m hanging on

I’m hanging on

 

I stand in the mirror, hours at a time

Just trying to accept that this body’s mine

My life isn’t perfect but it’s not bad

I’m conscious enough to know what I have

They say the more you smile the happier you’ll be

But when that smile is fake what the hell do you believe,

When lies get told and promises break

It takes everything I have just to look the other way

Standing on the edge I’m holding my breath

There’s a feeling in the air as I take another step

It’s eerie and its quiet, no one is around

And the rain is pouring down

 

And I don’t know where

I belong yet

And I don’t know when

I’ll figure it out

But I’m hanging on

To everything I’ve got

Cause it’s all I have

That’s keeping me up

And I swear I never meant to hurt anyone

I wanna make amends

I lost myself to a cold cruel world

That loves to see lives end

But I’m hanging on

 

I’m hanging on to the rope that’s kept me up

I’m hanging on to this life I’ve made me

And all this time, my body’s shaking

I’m hanging on to what’s left of me now

I have so much to say and no idea how to say any of it

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I sit here right now, at 9pm, thinking about a lot.

Thinking about what happened just a few nights ago,

thinking about how I feel about it, why it happened,

thinking about how much I want to not be thinking about it.

I sit here right now feeling like I’m forcing myself to write this,

not out of a fear or anxiety of doing so, but rather a lack of interest in what I am saying.

I always have so much to say, so many thoughts and feeling in my head, but the second I type in this website address and hit “add new post”, my mind goes blank and I become robotic.

It doesn’t make much sense to me because just sixty seconds ago I had thoughts upon thoughts ciricleing and suddenly they’re all silent.

I sit here right now trying way too hard to write what is on my mind, but don’t you comment anything like “you just have to go with it, let it flow, relax and type” because that’s not how my brain works. I’m a thinker. I live in my head. Getting out of it, even just putting words on paper, which is actually something that lyrically I am quite good at, I can’t seem to do it here. I’m guessing it’s a judgment thing towards myself. I don’t know.

I sit here right now thinking this is not at all where I thought this was going to go, nor is it what I wanted to say at all.

I wanted to recap the events that transpired on Saturday night, the good events, the events that happened after the bad ones.

I wanted to write about how confused I am so that I could lay it all out in front of me, but I can’t seem to figure out how in the heck to make that happen.

I wanted to write about my coworker for two seconds because I am so envious of her and that makes me feel guilty because I’m not being fair to myself.

I wanted to write about how I have opinions on very controversial topics that would piss people off, but I do not think I could pull that off because I value being liked over stating how I feel.

I wanted to write about how grateful I am to have this one specific person in my life and write about how I feel about that person both positively and negatively.

I wanted to write about how I feel guilty for telling another person about what they did to me and how I took it. I want to apologize and take it back and let them know that they aren’t a bad person. But I cannot do that.

I wanted to write about how I’m kind of over what happened to me physically, but I’m not over all of these thoughts of guilt and acting about it. I should talk to someone but then I feel terrible for having to go back to therapy AGAIN.

I am so torn in so many directions and I am so very confused.

I have so much to say and absolutely no idea how to say any of it.

Puzzle Pieces

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I am not broken, I was not glued back together.

I lost part of me with him, I lost a lot of what made me who I am,

There were a lot of pieces of me that were removed,

and he filled those then empty spaces with who he wanted me to be.

It’s kind of like trying to fit pieces of one puzzle into a different one and pushing and pushing until it fits just enough to hold.

In order to heal, I had to identify which pieces were the ones that he shoved into me and remove them.

Then go on a hunt and find the pieces of MY puzzle and put them back where they belong.

He did not break me. I was never really “broken”, but rather…missing pieces.

But I found them. I removed his pieces and I found mine and I put my puzzle back together again.