Sometimes

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Sometimes I wish we were something that could work. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so confused every time I see you. Sometimes I wish that when we hang out, we could just be friends. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so torn between what we are and what we could be. Sometimes I wish that when you’re holding me, you won’t let me go. Maybe then I’ll always feel safe, always feel loved.

Sometimes I wish you weren’t so good to me. Maybe then I wouldn’t regret saying no to staying over. Sometimes I wish you weren’t there for me that night. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared to be without you. Sometimes I wish that you wouldn’t hold me at all, because sometimes I feel more afraid than comforted. Sometimes I wish you weren’t such a genuine, kind – hearted man who reminds me that I don’t have to feel self conscious about anything. Maybe then I wouldn’t still be attached to you.

Sometimes I wish you hated me. Maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking about any of this. Sometimes I wish you saw my values through different eyes. Maybe then I’d think we had a shot. Sometimes I wish you treasured the things that I do. Maybe then I’d say “one more try”. Sometimes I wish you didn’t still have a piece of my heart. Maybe then I could let you go.

But all of the time, all of the time I grateful to have you. I am grateful that you exist and that you exist in my life. All of the time I am happy that you are someone I get to call my friend, even if our definition of “friend” is a little bit loose, a little bit different from the norm. All of the time I can say that I am better to know you than to have never met you, because I was in danger before you. All of the time I am grateful for our failed attempts, for our joyful moments, and for everything in between. These moments, these periods in time, are what have kept you in my life this long. They are what made our friendship what it is today. With our without those blurred lines, I hope with all of my heart that you will always be a part of my life.

I don’t know what I would do if I never got to yell at television with you again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never heard your sarcastic comments again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never got to engage in our stupid, witty banter ever again. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my favorite loser. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.

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I don’t know what it’s like…

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I don’t know what it’s like to know exactly who you are.

I don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror, day and after day, and see no flaws.

Better yet, I don’t even know what it’s like to see flaws and accept them because you know you’re only human.

I don’t know what it’s like to wake up in the morning excited about the day ahead.

I don’t know what it’s like to see something new, different, and feel this overwhelming sensation that equates to holding your hand over a flame, knowing that, that thing you’re witnessing is what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a passion for something so strong that any negative thought or painful doubt you have about it is insignificant.

I don’t know what it’s like to be 100% authentically you.

I don’t know what it’s like to enter a room full of people and be nothing but calm.

I don’t know what it’s like to love yourself.

I don’t know what it’s like to feel someone touch you for the first time and get that wave of excitement, because all I feel is fear.

Just the thought of a simple hand holding gesture making me wince some days.

I don’t know what it’s like to be untouched and beautiful

I don’t know…a lot…of things.

I don’t know a lot of things that IΒ should know,

that IΒ wantΒ to know,

and I don’t know that I ever will.

Blogmas Day 3

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So, I don’t know why, but I never realized that Blogmas was a thing!! I knew about vlogmas and I’ve always wanted to do it, but I never really had that kind of time. I never thought to do Blogmas though! I know I’m three days late here, but I’m going to try this anyway! I think it could be a lot of fun! Sometimes I will be posting more than 1x/day because honestly I have ALOT coming up and will probably need to post a couple times in one day some days!

So here we go! Here’s to Blogmas 2017!!

Gorgeous

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I got called gorgeous the other day…

I got called gorgeous and it made me smile. It made me feel happy and proud of myself. It made me feel noticed and even a little bit unique.

And then I realized something that also made me feel a bit perplexed.

That was the FIRST time I have ever been called gorgeous. I mean, if you don’t count my best friends occasionally throwing it out there of course. It was the first someone who was new to me had ever called me gorgeous. I got the typical “pretty”, “cute”, “hot”, and once in a while someone would throw in a “beautiful”, but gorgeous? That is not a word that was ever associated with me.

WhenΒ  I realized that, it took me by surprise. This person was seeing something nobody else had because “gorgeous” isn’t a common compliment, or at least, IΒ  never thought it was. It always seemed like a special word only unnaturally attractive people got called. So, to have someone call me gorgeous was rather surprising. To have someone that I am also attracted to call me gorgeous, even more surprising.

So a few days ago I got called gorgeous, and as strange as this may sound, it made me a ridiculous amount of happy.

Puzzle Pieces

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I am not broken, I was not glued back together.

I lost part of me with him, I lost a lot of what made me who I am,

There were a lot of pieces of me that were removed,

and he filled those then empty spaces with who he wanted me to be.

It’s kind of like trying to fit pieces of one puzzle into a different one and pushing and pushing until it fits just enough to hold.

In order to heal, I had to identify which pieces were the ones that he shoved into me and remove them.

Then go on a hunt and find the pieces of MY puzzle and put them back where they belong.

He did not break me. I was never really “broken”, but rather…missing pieces.

ButΒ I found them. I removed his pieces and I found mine and I put my puzzle back together again.

To My Two Favorite Boys

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Not that either of you are going to read this,

but I have something to say anyway.

I want you both to know that you are so kind to me and I am very appreciative of that.

I take notice to both of you because of that.

I would love to get to know the two of you as people and not just asΒ the two guys who work at the front desk and tell me I have a pretty smile.

I hope you’ll let me into your lives, but as you probably know by now,

I will not talk to you first.

I will not initiate conversation, but please don’t take that as a lack of interest.

I have social anxiety and it prevents me from doing those things,

but I promise I’m worth getting to know as a person, as a friend,

I’m worth having in your life.

So to my two favorite boys,

thank you and I hope you both let me know you.