Blogmas Day 3


So, I don’t know why, but I never realized that Blogmas was a thing!! I knew about vlogmas and I’ve always wanted to do it, but I never really had that kind of time. I never thought to do Blogmas though! I know I’m three days late here, but I’m going to try this anyway! I think it could be a lot of fun! Sometimes I will be posting more than 1x/day because honestly I have ALOT coming up and will probably need to post a couple times in one day some days!

So here we go! Here’s to Blogmas 2017!!




I got called gorgeous the other day…

I got called gorgeous and it made me smile. It made me feel happy and proud of myself. It made me feel noticed and even a little bit unique.

And then I realized something that also made me feel a bit perplexed.

That was the FIRST time I have ever been called gorgeous. I mean, if you don’t count my best friends occasionally throwing it out there of course. It was the first someone who was new to me had ever called me gorgeous. I got the typical “pretty”, “cute”, “hot”, and once in a while someone would throw in a “beautiful”, but gorgeous? That is not a word that was ever associated with me.

When  I realized that, it took me by surprise. This person was seeing something nobody else had because “gorgeous” isn’t a common compliment, or at least, I  never thought it was. It always seemed like a special word only unnaturally attractive people got called. So, to have someone call me gorgeous was rather surprising. To have someone that I am also attracted to call me gorgeous, even more surprising.

So a few days ago I got called gorgeous, and as strange as this may sound, it made me a ridiculous amount of happy.

Puzzle Pieces


I am not broken, I was not glued back together.

I lost part of me with him, I lost a lot of what made me who I am,

There were a lot of pieces of me that were removed,

and he filled those then empty spaces with who he wanted me to be.

It’s kind of like trying to fit pieces of one puzzle into a different one and pushing and pushing until it fits just enough to hold.

In order to heal, I had to identify which pieces were the ones that he shoved into me and remove them.

Then go on a hunt and find the pieces of MY puzzle and put them back where they belong.

He did not break me. I was never really “broken”, but rather…missing pieces.

But I found them. I removed his pieces and I found mine and I put my puzzle back together again.

To My Two Favorite Boys


Not that either of you are going to read this,

but I have something to say anyway.

I want you both to know that you are so kind to me and I am very appreciative of that.

I take notice to both of you because of that.

I would love to get to know the two of you as people and not just as the two guys who work at the front desk and tell me I have a pretty smile.

I hope you’ll let me into your lives, but as you probably know by now,

I will not talk to you first.

I will not initiate conversation, but please don’t take that as a lack of interest.

I have social anxiety and it prevents me from doing those things,

but I promise I’m worth getting to know as a person, as a friend,

I’m worth having in your life.

So to my two favorite boys,

thank you and I hope you both let me know you.


I am not off limits…


I am not off limits,

not as a person.

I will let new people in.

I will tell them my secrets should they ask about them.

I will hangout and get to know them.

I want to do that.

I also want them to want to do that, just for the purpose of making a new friend,

not hoping it’ll turn into more,

because I don’t want more.

I don’t even want that on my radar.

I’ll go out on coffee dates, I’ll hangout and relax, I just don’t want a relationship.

But I am not off limits,

not as a person,

just as a partner.

If that can be enough for you,

then you are welcome to be in my life.



Some Random Thoughts


When am I going to think I’m enough?

He is so good to me, but I push and pull him out of fear and desire.

I still wonder sometimes if I should even be here.

And that makes me sad, because I wasn’t always this way.

When am I going to be able to trust again? The problem isn’t him, the problem is me. And that’s honesty, not self hate.

When am I going to like who I am? Genuinely and purely love myself without fear.

Am I going to be able to explain myself better?

Do I have any purpose or am I taking up space?

When is sex not going to be this task to overcome…why the hell is this even a question, oh right, because you happened.

When am I going to stop wondering if my own boyfriend actually likes me…

hold on, let me rephrase that,

When am I  going to  stop having anxiety? That makes more sense…

no question I have about my relationship is a genuine one, they’re all anxiety based, a result of my past.

When is that going to stop?

When is my head going to stop spinning?

When am I going to stop crying and wondering and hating…

When the hell do I get to be happy again?

And don’t tell me “whenever you want to be”, because that’s ignorant. I would know, I used to say it all of the time.

I don’t want to tell you when I’m not okay because I’m terrified that it’ll be the last time I get to talk to you at all.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to be scared anymore.