To My Two Favorite Boys

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Not that either of you are going to read this,

but I have something to say anyway.

I want you both to know that you are so kind to me and I am very appreciative of that.

I take notice to both of you because of that.

I would love to get to know the two of you as people and not just as the two guys who work at the front desk and tell me I have a pretty smile.

I hope you’ll let me into your lives, but as you probably know by now,

I will not talk to you first.

I will not initiate conversation, but please don’t take that as a lack of interest.

I have social anxiety and it prevents me from doing those things,

but I promise I’m worth getting to know as a person, as a friend,

I’m worth having in your life.

So to my two favorite boys,

thank you and I hope you both let me know you.

 

I am not off limits…

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I am not off limits,

not as a person.

I will let new people in.

I will tell them my secrets should they ask about them.

I will hangout and get to know them.

I want to do that.

I also want them to want to do that, just for the purpose of making a new friend,

not hoping it’ll turn into more,

because I don’t want more.

I don’t even want that on my radar.

I’ll go out on coffee dates, I’ll hangout and relax, I just don’t want a relationship.

But I am not off limits,

not as a person,

just as a partner.

If that can be enough for you,

then you are welcome to be in my life.

 

 

Some Random Thoughts

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When am I going to think I’m enough?

He is so good to me, but I push and pull him out of fear and desire.

I still wonder sometimes if I should even be here.

And that makes me sad, because I wasn’t always this way.

When am I going to be able to trust again? The problem isn’t him, the problem is me. And that’s honesty, not self hate.

When am I going to like who I am? Genuinely and purely love myself without fear.

Am I going to be able to explain myself better?

Do I have any purpose or am I taking up space?

When is sex not going to be this task to overcome…why the hell is this even a question, oh right, because you happened.

When am I going to stop wondering if my own boyfriend actually likes me…

hold on, let me rephrase that,

When am I  going to  stop having anxiety? That makes more sense…

no question I have about my relationship is a genuine one, they’re all anxiety based, a result of my past.

When is that going to stop?

When is my head going to stop spinning?

When am I going to stop crying and wondering and hating…

When the hell do I get to be happy again?

And don’t tell me “whenever you want to be”, because that’s ignorant. I would know, I used to say it all of the time.

I don’t want to tell you when I’m not okay because I’m terrified that it’ll be the last time I get to talk to you at all.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to be scared anymore.