I was raped, where the hell were you?

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I was raped!

Repeatedly, raped.

Remember Rob?

Yeah that relationship worked out real well for me!

I was raped

and you weren’t there!

You bailed. When I needed you, you bailed because you thought I said something I didn’t.

You didn’t even value our friendship enough to try to talk to me about it and fix it!

You just left.

You lied to me and you left.

I needed you and you weren’t there!

I went through something and when I was just about ready to talk about it, I didn’t have that option because nobody was there!

I was alone.

I was facing something alone.

I was running from something, terrified, and I was doing it alone.

Because you weren’t there.

I was raped,

where the hellΒ were you?

 

*a message to an ex friend

Little do I Know

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Little do you know I’m,

wide awake while you’re sleeping just fine

Little do you know I’m,

still healing while you’re living your life

And little you do you know my,

mind is racing but I

I’m gonna be just fine

I’m gonna be just fine

‘Cause little do I know I have got one hell of a drive

to make it through all your abuse and come out on the other side

And even in my darkest times

When your words invade my space

And those memories form nightmares that I cannot escape

I will be just fine

I will be alright

They Say

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They say it gets easier

When exactly is easier supposed to start?

They say just give it time

A year and a half isn’t long enough I guess.

They say to be present, in the moment

Well, here I am…now what?

They say to be vocal, speak up when you feel scared

Yeah, I’m okay.

They say remind yourself that this isn’t the same person

I know that…I really do

They say that one day you won’t think about it anymore

Well when is that day going to come?

When am I not going to be scared anymore?

When am I going to be able to relax?

When am I not going to question everything?

You say it gets easier…

So when?

I Am the Survivor

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Last night I found myself wondering why he chose me.

I was confused. I wasn’t mad at him; I wasn’t sad about the situation.

I just wondered, why?

What made him see me as someone he could manipulate.

I mean, yeah, he was right because that IS what he did for a year and a half,

but we met on Facebook.

Facebook.

He pegged me as this weak, easy to control, girl simply by talking to me online.

Why?

What did I do, say, not do, not say, to give him that impression of me?

That is a question that I will never get an answer to because,

  1. I am never going to ask
  2. He would not tell meΒ even if I did

“Why?” is a question that will repeat itself from time to time.

It isΒ also a question that has no real purpose in being asked.

Knowing why he chose me will not change what has happened.

Knowing why will not give me any kind of reassurance, in fact it would likely do the opposite.

Knowing why will not justify what he has done.

Knowing why will not make anything better.

Knowing why won’t change a damn thing

“Why?” is just some question I want to know the answer to for the sake of pride,

but I don’t need to preserve my pride because I have done nothing wrong.

He did.

His actions are not excusable.

What he put me through; what he made me feel; what he made me face,

that is on him. Not me.

I am not the victim here.

I am the survivor.