Tonight I got offered to spend the night at my friend’s house. I have done this before seeing as he and I are exes and still very good friends. There was no hidden intent behind the invite, he and I are just very close and there’s still some unresolved feelings, but we’re in a good place. I really wanted to say yes, I really did. I like sleeping at his house and waking up with him. It has never failed to make me happy.
I had this nagging feeling to say no though. I tried ignoring it, tried figuring out why I was having that gut feeling, but I couldn’t figure it out. I try very hard to listen to those feelings though so I did opt out and he was happy to take me home. It was ultimately my choice so he was fine with whatever I chose.
On our way out the door though, it hit me. The last time I had slept at his house was the night I got put into a very uncomfortable, still unidentifiable, situation with a guy I had just met. A lot happened that night and I think my mind was trying to protect me from likely having a nightmare. My friend’s house is now associated with that night, not entirely, and often it doesn’t even cross my mind anymore, but it did right then. I’m glad it did, because had it not, I would have spent the night and potentially had a nightmare.
I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. I am very ready to spend the night with him. He’s someone I trust and am comfortable with, but mentally I don’t think I am ready to be vulnerable again. I don’t think I’m ready to sleep there again yet. He is not a bad memory. He is not a bad thing of any sort. He is my safe place. He is my comfort zone. Mentally, I just don’t think I’m ready to sleep there again yet.
It sucks, it really does, but I’m working on it. I have goals. I have counseling. I will be okay. He is so supportive and so patient with me. He is too understanding and kind to me and I am so grateful for him. I hope he sticks around through all of this because he is someone I don’t want to lose because of something someone else did to me.