This Is What I Am

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I have a habit of identifying solely with the mental disorders that I have, as well as what has happened to me in the past. I essentially introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Lauren and I have an anxiety disorder, a history with depression, and I am an abuse victim and previous self harmer”. I put those things first, and then include my good things. It should be the other way around.

I do this because those things are all I have known for a very long time. I don’t necessarily know what else I am. I feel like a hazard, like a complicated person so I give people a heads up, but that is not fair to me.

So I’m going to make a list, I don’t know how long, of all the things that I am. Well, at least all of the things I can think of at this point in time because this is something that I struggle with and am currently working on.

  • I am a survivor, first and foremost.
  • I am loyal to my family, my friends, and anyone else who happens to make their way into my life.
  • I am giving to those who need it, and even those who don’t.
  • I am a writer of many sorts, but my natural ability is in lyrics/poems and academic work.
  • I am an artist, whether I believe that all of the time or not.
  • I am intuitive, which likely stems from my love of psychology.
  • I am kind to all living things.
  • I have a heart the size of Jupiter.
  • I have an eye for nature photography.
  • I am smart and I enjoy learning about health and wellness.
  • I love to sing, although I do not feel I am good at it.
  • I am dedicated.
  • I love kids.
  • I love music of all kinds, but I am definitely a rock and roll girl above all.
  • I am passionate and romantic, but not in the stereotypical sense.
  • I like being different, but I hate being the center of attention if I am not in control of it…I’m a little bit of a control freak actually.

So that’s what I have right now.

But as I’m writing this, I was just told by one of my closest friends that I need to stop trying to identify with things and just “be Lauren”. Drop the rest and just be me and people will form their own opinions.

I do like his advice and his take, but that is difficult for me and that is something I have always struggled with. I label myself, I always have, I don’t really know how just say, “Hi, I’m Lauren”. There’s always more and it’s always, “I’m hard to handle, and I have quite a rough past” while also saying, “but I’m totally cool and worth having around”. I’m never just me because I have never done that. I’m human, we identify with things because that makes us who we are, but maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it.

 

I Just Want to Impress People

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Do you ever want to do something just for the sake of proving to people that you can do it? I’m genuinely asking anyone who reads this post to reply down in the comments section or to email me personally.

I don’t just mean peer pressure or a challenge; What I’m referring to is coming back from something hard, still being in a rough place, and just wanting to prove to people that you’re not who you used to be.

I constantly think about going to medical school solely for the purpose of getting a medical degree so I can be someone worth being proud of; so I can say to people, “hey look what I did, I told you I’m better, I told you I was changed, I told you I could do it”. I have no interest in being a doctor though, I hate biology so there’s that problem, but being a doctor is huge. It takes hard work and dedication and I just want to be something someone can be proud of. I want to be able to say I did something amazing, something shocking, something nobody thought I could do.

That isn’t fair though, not to me. I want to get a masters degree, again solely for the purpose of being able to say, “look. I did this. Me.”, but that’s not fair. That’s not right. I’d be doing it for them, not for me. I don’t think a bachelors degree is impressive enough. I don’t think anyone will really care or be shocked if I get that.

If I were to go into music or songwriting or YouTube/video production, nobody would be thrilled. They’d all be worried that I’m going to bottom out. That it’s not a career. If I were to major in health and wellness, work in a center or a psychiatric ward, I don’t think anyone would be impressed with me. I wouldn’t feel like I’ve done anything good other than put myself in debt…yeah that’s something I’m a pro at.

Like…none of this is because of my parents or anything. My parents are incredibly supportive people, but I personally don’t ever feel like I’m enough. Does that make sense? It’s not because I haven’t been told I’m enough, because I have. I get told people are proud of me regularly, but I just want to impress them, shock them, do something and become something they didn’t think I would, but that’s for them, not me.  Is that making sense at all?

So does anyone else understand what I’m saying and do you feel the same way? Let me know, please.

Face It

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wallpaper-butterfly-photography-depth-of-fieldTo all of you out there who are in the middle of fighting off relapse…stop. Stop fighting it and start facing it.

I’m not telling you to give in. I’m not telling you to relapse. I’m telling you that sometimes, fighting the thing that’s bullying you, doesn’t solve the problem. Sometimes, you have to stop fighting. Let your addiction bitch at you all it wants. And just stare at it until it shuts the fuck up. Because it will shut. the fuck. up.

I’m not telling you this is how it works for everyone, but this is how I got through my first urge post my last relapse. I stopped trying to push it away from me because that showed I was scared of it. That showed that it still had some form of control over me. So instead of pushing it back, I stood still. I let the negativity surround me. I let my addiction yell to me and fill my head with thoughts that weren’t mine. I faced it.

And I continue to face it every single day, but I haven’t given it back the control. Because that night I learned something.

I learned that if I just keep facing it. Staring at it. Eventually, the thing that’s been controlling me becomes just another object in the distance.