Blogmas day 14: Listening to my gut


Tonight I got offered to spend the night at my friend’s house. I have done this before seeing as he and I are exes and still very good friends. There was no hidden intent behind the invite, he and I are just very close and there’s still some unresolved feelings, but we’re in a good place. I really wanted to say yes, I really did. I like sleeping at his house and waking up with him. It has never failed to make me happy.

I had this nagging feeling to say no though. I tried ignoring it, tried figuring out why I was having that gut feeling, but I couldn’t figure it out. I try very hard to listen to those feelings though so I did opt out and he was happy to take me home. It was ultimately my choice so he was fine with whatever I chose.

On our way out the door though, it hit me. The last time I had slept at his house was the night I got put into a very uncomfortable, still unidentifiable, situation with a guy I had just met. A lot happened that night and I think my mind was trying to protect me from likely having a nightmare. My friend’s house is now associated with that night, not entirely, and often it doesn’t even cross my mind anymore, but it did right then. I’m glad it did, because had it not, I would have spent the night and potentially had a nightmare.

I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. I am very ready to spend the night with him. He’s someone I trust and am comfortable with, but mentally I don’t think I am ready to be vulnerable again. I don’t think I’m ready to sleep there again yet. He is not a bad memory. He is not a bad thing of any sort. He is my safe place. He is my comfort zone. Mentally, I just don’t think I’m ready to sleep there again yet.

It sucks, it really does, but I’m working on it. I have goals. I have counseling. I will be okay. He is so supportive and so patient with me. He is too understanding and kind to me and I am so grateful for him. I hope he sticks around through all of this because he is someone I don’t want to lose because of something someone else did to me.


My confusion regarding death: Blogmas Day 7


So, let’s just skip the small talk and get right into what is on my mind today shall we? Great.

I have just recently felt an overwhelming amount of sudden sadness due to the thought of death. I have never been someone who is “afraid” of death of “scared of dying”. I’m also not a very religious person so I can’t sit here and tell you that God has my back and I know what happens after we die because, obviously, I’m not dead so I don’t know!

I started thinking about the fact that when I die, I will most likely never see my family again. I’ll never see my friends. I’ll never hug my mom. I’ll never hug my dad. I’ll never attempt to hug (I say attempt because he is NOT a hugger) my brother. I’ll never kiss the person I end up marrying. I’ll never laugh at my dad’s awful sense of humor that for some reason I totally understand. I’ll never have heart to hearts with my best friends. I’ll never laugh so hard my stomach hurts. I’ll never ever see these people that I have connections with again.

So, what is the purpose of this? Why are we born to live, to make connections, to find love, to make memories, only to die and have it all vanish. I mean I get the whole “well you’ll be dead so it’s not like you’ll know”, but I’ll know leading up to it. I don’t understand the point right now. I don’t get it. There is no point to life, to making money, to having kids, to finding “the love of your life”, to having a family, to loving your family, there is no point if we’re all going to die and have it ripped away.

Who decided that this is how it should be? Evolution? God? Extra Terrestrials? A random act of some bullshit theory? I don’t get it. I am lost and it makes me so sad to think that I am here to live and die, but I am also supposed to make connections, to be happy, to live a long life filled with joy and happy memories. Why? Why in hell would I want to do any of that if I’m just going to die?

Does anyone else see what I’m saying?

I don’t want to find my other half


Hello my little blogging world! Today I feel inclined to write about the fact that I have no desire to find my other half. No, I’m not a heart broken 20 something who has given up on love. Nor am I a fragile, broken, woman who just wants to find herself first. Not that there’s really anything wrong with either of those, we all go through those stages at some point in life, but those aren’t my reasons for my lack of interest in this subject.

I don’t want to find my other half. Reason being, because I do not believe that person exists. I do not believe that there is a Yin to my Yang, or a moon to my stars or whatever cheesy saying you personally enjoy. I used to believe that. I used to believe there was someone out there who would “complete me”. Someone out there who would be my opposite and give me what I don’t have, just as I would do for them. I used to believe that I was looking for a missing puzzle piece, you know? Someone who fits me just right, but that’s not what I believe anymore.

I have no desire to find that missing piece, that other half, because I don’t think I am half of something. I am a whole person. I do not see myself as being incomplete without another person beside me. I am one being, with personality traits and quirks that are unique to me, that make me who I am. I am an individual. I am one whole person, not half of a unit. I do not need someone to feel whole. I do not “need” someone else at all. I can survive, thrive even, on my own. I am not looking for someone to complete me. I am not interested in finding someone who makes me feel whole because I shouldn’t need someone to make me feel that way. I should feel that way flying solo.

I am looking for someone who makes me happy. It’s really that simple. I am interested in finding someone who makes me happier when we’re together, but not upset when we’re apart. A person who allows me to be an individual, to be independent, but who I prefer to have around because of how they make me feel and how we are when we’re together. I don’t want someone who is looking for their other half, because I am not that. I do not complete you. I am an addition to your life. We are two whole’s that work best together. I want to be able to be alone, to not “need” that person, but to also know that we’re good together and I am at my best and my happiest when they are around.

I am not looking for my other half, I’m looking for someone who I can survive without, but that I don’t ever want to.

I wish you never did it


I wish you didn’t do it

I wish that I hated you for it

I wish that I was genuinely mad, but I’m not.

I’m scared, and I’m hurt, and I feel very violated and dirty

but angry is an emotion I do not have towards you right now.

I  think you’re a decent human being who made a bad decision,

who sucks at reading body language.

I wish you didn’t do it because we could have been really good friends.

I wish you didn’t do it because we have common interests and  could have talked for hours about them.

I wish you didn’t do it because now I’m wrapped up in my thoughts and feelings of nothing but chaos, confusion, loss and lies.

I wish you didn’t do it because I’d be happy right now if you didn’t

I wish you didn’t do it because now I’m back in a place I havent been in for a while. A place I worked hard to be free of. A state of mine where I judge myself constantly and think I am lying and making up stories and solely  to blame when that is not the case.

I wish you didn’t do it because I am a person. I am not an object.

I wish you didn’t do it.

I wish you never did it.

I feel dirty


He kissed my boobs.

He kissed them and he held my hands above my head.

I felt like I was stuck. Like I couldn’t move.

I got scared.

He kissed my boobs.

Why the hell did he do that?

What made him think that was okay?

What did I do that made him think that was an option?

He kissed them and now they feel dirty and I feel so violated.

I’m going to bed now.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way…


“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way…”

he says while holding onto me and grabbing my boobs

“There’s just something about you”

as he kissed my neck and back


I’m sorry. How exactly am I supposed to take that? A casual compliment? As innocent as saying “oh you look pretty today”, because that’s NOT how I took it.

I told you that you aren’t going to kiss me, that I wanted you to be my friend. You agreed, you said okay. Granted then you pulled me in close to you and wrapped my legs around your waste while saying “you need to trust me”. But you said okay. You said you kissed my cheek and that was enough.

Then you proceeded to kiss my neck and back and pull my pants down lower. And lay me down and wrap me in your arms like I was just a doll you were holding and didn’t want to let go of. I didn’t feel like I could move.

You said you’ll give me the special treatment when I said you can practice your massages on me since you were going to school for that. I didn’t ask for anything more. I didn’t ask you touch my legs. I didn’t ask you kiss my back or my neck. I didn’t say no, but I also didn’t yes.

I didn’t say it was okay for you to kiss my boobs. I didn’t say it was okay for you run your hands up my inner thigh. You were testing your boundaries. The VERY first time I met you.

I said I wanted friends. I said you weren’t going to kiss me, but all you kept doing is pulling me in close to you. Sitting me on your lap. I didn’t want any of that.

I didn’t want you to touch me like that.

I pulled away from you so many times. I shook my head no so many times. I did not verbally say it, but I kind of figured you could read body language, but I guess not.

I asked you to take me to my car, and you said lets just lay here for a couple more minutes and then you pulled me down.

All I wanted was to leave. I was so uncomfortable. I got so scared. You didn’t want to know me. You wanted to touch me. You wanted to feel me. But I did not want any of what happened last night.

You said you’d respect me, but nothing that was done last night was respectful. There were no questions asked. You said “let me know if I shouldn’t” as you were unhooking my bra or pulling my jeans down lower. You kissed my boobs and held my hands above my head. I wasn’t allowed to move.

You knew what had happened to me in the past. You didn’t know details, but you knew there was abuse, and yet, that didn’t matter. Because you got to touch me.

Maybe I am partly to blame here because I knew I should have been forceful, but I got so scared. I had flashbacks and I got timid and I thought that if I got aggressive, so would you. So I let it happen. You did not fuck me.

This is not a document of rape or even sexual abuse or assault.

But what you did was so wrong in so many ways. So I’ve blocked you and I don’t want to talk to you or see you. I don’t want you to touch me. I don’t want anyone new to touch me anymore.

I was just trying to be social, I think I can take a break now.

Good Men do Exist, I Promise


There’s this guy. He is something so special and so rare. Something so sensible and pure. He took the girl who was broken when he found her and he supported her while she found all the missing pieces and super glued herself back together.  He is a truly good man.

I pushed him so far, so many times, and break up after break up, he remains here for me. He remains standing beside me in whatever role I need him to play. He is supportive and encouraging. He doesn’t always understand, but he tries  to. He makes me laugh when that is the last thing I feel like I could do. He puts a smile on my face without even trying simply because of who he is. He chooses to be a part of my life. He repeatedly chooses to stay when I give him so many chances to run.

He respects me and he understands that I have a hard time with certain things, like sex. I have a very hard time with sex sometimes. Tonight, I had a hard time with it, mainly because we were on a time limit and that messed with my anxiety, but still. He told me, “it’s not about the sex, it’s about getting to spend time with you” and then he kissed me. That is not the first time he has said that to me, it’s just the first time that I truly believed him. He doesn’t have expectations of me. He has always just wanted me around. He likes having me there. He likes me for who I am, even if I don’t even really know who that is yet.

He is so pure. So good. So kind and supportive. I am so grateful that he is a part of my life even if we’re on a sliding scale between friends and lovers. I don’t mind because he’s here. I don’t mind because I am the one in full control of that scale. I decide where we are. I decide what we do, and he is okay with that. He made that decision. Are there things I don’t love about him, of course, #human, but he is this amazing guy that I am so lucky to have in my life and I felt like I needed to share just a little bit about him. I wanted to let someone, anyone, know that there are good people out there. There are people who will truly love and care for you, you just have to let yourself find them and let yourself be raw with them.