I should have been hospitalized

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Today I had a session with someone and I found out some very interesting and reassuring…and a little scary…things that I need to put onto a page. So here we go.

For a very long time now, I have been feeling like a liar. I have been feeling fake, and I have been feeling very confused. I felt like what I was telling people wasn’t accurate. Wasn’t true.  Even though I knew I was sick, I felt like what I was saying was a lie. Up until today I didn’t know why I felt that way, but now  I do.

Those feelings stem from a past of not being treated properly for the “diseases” or “illnesses” or whatever it is that you want to call what I had. A long time ago, I got help for an eating disorder, amongst other things, but the primary was the eating disorder. I didn’t tell the person I saw that it was my main concern, I kept that off to the side, but it was thrown around. The person that I saw for help claimed to specialize in eating disorders. So when I saw her, I was expecting to be told I needed to go to a treatment center or extensive outpatient therapy. Neither of those things were said to me. Instead, I was seen for the other factors that were likely stemming from or at least being triggered by the eating disorder. The eating disorder, which should have been the initial focus, was simply something to toss in from time to time. We would talk about it, but we never created a plan or really went into any detail about any of it.

The reason for this, I believe, is because I did not “look sick”, nor did I show many signs of internal damage occurring. By internal damage I mean GI tract issues, vision loss, slow BP, things like that. Well….I mean if I did have any of those things, nobody ever mentioned it to me. I had some GI problems, but I assumed they were things that just “happen sometimes”. You know? Like being constipated. It happens. Nobody told me that it could be happening because I am not eating enough.

I believe I wasn’t properly treated when I first went to get help because I did not “look sick”. My average weight was between 110 and 115. I am 5’4″, so that is underweight for someone of my height and also my build, my genetics, etc. However, I didn’t look like 110. I looked like 115-120 because of my build and the way my body distributes fat. I think this is why nobody really noticed my eating habits, my behaviors, my obsessions, etc. I think I looked healthy, therefor I was healthy to everyone around me when in reality, I was suffering.

The doctor I saw, I was truly expecting to give me an eating disorder work up of some kind. She didn’t even weigh me. She didn’t ask for a copy of my vitals. She asked me why I thought I was sick, what were my behaviors, and then she filed that information away and we talked more about the other problems I was having.

Back to the part about me feeling like a liar. I now know why I felt that way. I went into that therapy session thinking, “if I  really am this sick, she’s gonna send me somewhere to get help”. She didn’t do that. That doctor not giving me any kind of a work up besides a form to fill out confirmed what I believed, that I really wasn’t that sick. I was sick, and I had an eating disorder, but it wasn’t severe. I was fine. I was safe. I was in the clear. And I went with that. For years I felt like I needed to justify myself when I told people I had an eating disorder, even just my family, I justified it by saying “but it wasn’t that bad, I wasn’t hospitalized or anything.”

I felt like a liar. I felt like I was lying to everyone by saying I had an eating disorder because to me it wasn’t bad and if a doctor didn’t see it as much to be concerned with then why should I? I felt like I was also lying to myself because part of me knew I was sick. Really sick. Part of me knew that something was wrong and that I was telling people, not for the sake of having an interesting story, but so that they would step in and help me because I was still suffering. Part of me was still suffering.

Today I found out that my current doctor would have hospitalized me. I should have been hospitalized. I was sick and I didn’t get the help I needed because I didn’t fit the part; because the doctor I saw wasn’t properly trained in eating disorders even though her profile said she was. Even though she acted as though she was, maybe she wasn’t or maybe she just saw me wrong. I don’t know.

But I now understand why I thought the way I did and why I felt the way I did, up until today. Today I get it. Today I no longer feel like a liar. Like I need to justify myself. Like I’m fake. Today I know that what I was battling was very real. I just happened to see doctors who were not trained how I thought they were. And that sucks, but I’m so glad that I know now and I can stop that train of thought from continuing on.

I should have been hospitalized, and I am grateful to know that now.

I’m Just Looking for a Friend

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It is so hard for me to make friends.

It’s even harder when I know the person or people think there’s a hidden agenda in why I’m talking to them.

There is not.

Just because I think you’re attractive, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you romantically.

I’m just looking for a friend.

There is no hidden agenda with me. If I want something, I’ll tell you.

All you have to do is talk to me, be forward, ask me and I’ll tell you where I stand.

But don’t assume that I’m after something simply because I’ve messaged you a few times.

I’m not “taking the hint” because there’s no hint to take.

I’m asking for a friend, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just someone I can talk to and get to know who is kind to me and understanding of me.

Someone to hangout with when I’m bored or lonely. Someone to go on coffee runs with me because lord knows I like my coffee. Call them “dates”, call them “hangouts”, whatever, I’m not out scouting my next relationship, just some new people to bring into my life. Where those encounters lead isn’t up to me.

All you have to do is talk to me and you’ll find all of this out,

I just hope you don’t make assumptions and push me away before you’ve even given me the chance to be let in.

I’m just looking for a friend, which is hard for me to do,

so instead of waiting for me to take the hint,

tell me where you stand, I’ll tell you where I stand, and we can go from there.

I am not off limits…

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I am not off limits,

not as a person.

I will let new people in.

I will tell them my secrets should they ask about them.

I will hangout and get to know them.

I want to do that.

I also want them to want to do that, just for the purpose of making a new friend,

not hoping it’ll turn into more,

because I don’t want more.

I don’t even want that on my radar.

I’ll go out on coffee dates, I’ll hangout and relax, I just don’t want a relationship.

But I am not off limits,

not as a person,

just as a partner.

If that can be enough for you,

then you are welcome to be in my life.

 

 

11:02pm A Message.

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I don’t want anybody right now.

Don’t wait for me to be ready.

Don’t try to push your way in,

because I will not let you.

If you try to push your way into my life, I will immediately cut you out of it.

If you want to like me, go ahead,

but don’t wait for me, don’t tell people I’ll be in your future,

because odds are I won’t.

This message is not written out of a place of fear or a place of anxiety.

This message is written from a place of strength and sincerity.

So please, do not take this lightly.

Do not take this as a sign that I am just shy,

because that is not the case.

No, I have been beaten down and I am just now learning how to stand back up,

And if you try to stand in the way of that,

you will regret it.

Why?

Because I am an incredible friend.

I am someone you want in your life,

but I am not someone who needs you in mine.

 

*be my friend, let that be enough

 

I Just Want to Impress People

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Do you ever want to do something just for the sake of proving to people that you can do it? I’m genuinely asking anyone who reads this post to reply down in the comments section or to email me personally.

I don’t just mean peer pressure or a challenge; What I’m referring to is coming back from something hard, still being in a rough place, and just wanting to prove to people that you’re not who you used to be.

I constantly think about going to medical school solely for the purpose of getting a medical degree so I can be someone worth being proud of; so I can say to people, “hey look what I did, I told you I’m better, I told you I was changed, I told you I could do it”. I have no interest in being a doctor though, I hate biology so there’s that problem, but being a doctor is huge. It takes hard work and dedication and I just want to be something someone can be proud of. I want to be able to say I did something amazing, something shocking, something nobody thought I could do.

That isn’t fair though, not to me. I want to get a masters degree, again solely for the purpose of being able to say, “look. I did this. Me.”, but that’s not fair. That’s not right. I’d be doing it for them, not for me. I don’t think a bachelors degree is impressive enough. I don’t think anyone will really care or be shocked if I get that.

If I were to go into music or songwriting or YouTube/video production, nobody would be thrilled. They’d all be worried that I’m going to bottom out. That it’s not a career. If I were to major in health and wellness, work in a center or a psychiatric ward, I don’t think anyone would be impressed with me. I wouldn’t feel like I’ve done anything good other than put myself in debt…yeah that’s something I’m a pro at.

Like…none of this is because of my parents or anything. My parents are incredibly supportive people, but I personally don’t ever feel like I’m enough. Does that make sense? It’s not because I haven’t been told I’m enough, because I have. I get told people are proud of me regularly, but I just want to impress them, shock them, do something and become something they didn’t think I would, but that’s for them, not me.  Is that making sense at all?

So does anyone else understand what I’m saying and do you feel the same way? Let me know, please.

Today I Was…

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Discharged.

Today, November 29, 2016 at 11am I was discharged from outpatient treatment therapy. Today, I am no longer depressed, I am no longer a suicide risk, I am able to think cognitively and mindfully, and today I have been discharged from treatment.

Four months ago on July 24th, 2016 I began seeing a new psychologist. You see, I had been seeing a talk therapist for a good…3 and a half years, and she helped me so much. I am so grateful for her, but a lot happened in that time. A lot that I never spoke about. She became someone I paid to sit and chat with, which is actually what I needed sometimes. She was great at first, but I became dependent and I became stuck.

So, on July 24th, 2016 I began seeing a new psychologist and she changed my entire life. Well, I changed my entire life, but she is a part of the reason why. Without her, I would not have faced the facts of my abusive relationship. Without her, I would not have learned how to cognitively approach my thoughts. Without her, I would not have learned how to properly cope with situations in life. Without her, I would not have learned how the brain actually works in terms of my personal addictions. Without her, I would not know how to face my social anxiety. Without her, I wouldn’t understand this cycle, all of these cycles, that I was in and why and how to face them. Without her, I would not now know how to handle the urges to self harm or purge or restrict or overanalyze and ask for reassurance where it is not needed. Without her, I would not know how to turn away from the thoughts of suicide. Without her, I would not have figured out how strong I actually am and how happy I can actually be.

But without me, without my determination, without my need to face these things even when I made mistakes and even when I was crying and scared and alone, without me I would not be where I am today. I will not share my numbers with you all, because I feel that is my personal information and my personal details, but I will say this. In just four months, 16 weeks, I went from severely depressed/suicidal to not depressed at all. In 16 weeks, 112 days, I went from a complete inability to think cognitively and mindfully to that being my automatic brain response to most situations. In 112 days, 2,688 hours, I went from being in my room nearly all day/everyday and being terrified of anything social what so ever to going to three social events in the last two weeks of treatment and getting a full time job in a position where I am constantly interacting with people. In 2,688 hours, 161,280 minutes, I went from having a 36% quality of life to a 68% and quickly rising. Those are numbers I do not mind sharing as they are vague.

In such a short amount of time, I changed my life. There is more I’d like to do and more I’d like to improve upon, but that no longer requires assistance from a psychologist. I know what needs to be done, now I just have to do it like I’ve been doing it for the past four months, 16 weeks, 112 days, 2,688 hours, and 161,280 minutes.

Today I have been discharged. Today I have never been happier. Today I have never been prouder. Today, today I am free.

*Today I am almost 5 months clean of self harm. (7/3/16)

*Today I am 6 months clean of purging (5/29/16)

10 Things I Learned From Being In an Abusive Relationship

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It’s difficult to see and then accept that you are in an abusive relationship. It’s even harder to leave once you’ve accepted it, and the “why” is impossible to put into words. 


1. Abuse is in no way a black and white topic, there is so much gray interlaced throughout it. 

2. Verbal abuse does not always come in the form of negative commentary, but instead often comes in a twisted form of the positive.

3. Sometimes, you’re only as important as the services you can provide someone.

4.  Grand gestures to someone can be done for selfish reasons.

5. Trust your fucking instincts.

6. Guilt is not a valid reason to have sex.

7. If he constantly tells you that you are the problem, walk away because the problem is him. 

8. “Love” and “sex” are not fucking synonyms.

9. Neither are “Consent” and “Consensual”.

10. Abuse is not rare, it’s just not realized.