I miss having an eating disorder…

Standard

I have a question; is it wrong or abnormal to miss struggling with an eating disorder? I know that sounds strange and probably also sounds like I’m still struggling with it. I don’t necessarily miss the starving or calories counti…no that’s a lie. Yes I do. Okay, let’s just break this down a little bit.

When I think of my past with the eating disorder, I don’t get that sense of pride for having “beat it”. When I think about my past behavior, past addiction, I actually almost miss being anorexic/bulimic. The main reason being, I never felt as if I reached the stereotypical physical image of someone who is considered to be anorexic/bulimic, like I didn’t reach my “goal weight” or goal “appearance”. As if I was striving for something but never actually got there, like I had failed. I see images of girls (and I say girls because I am a girl so naturally those are the images I was looking at) and I feel like I failed. I feel like I wasn’t really anorexic because I didn’t look like them, not yet at least. I was on my way there, but I got stopped in my tracks. The weird part about that is I wasn’t stopped by someone else like a doctor or a friend or even a family member, I was stopped by myself. So, that essentially means I knew I was sick and I didn’t want to keep getting sick so I asked for help. I didn’t want to look like that or be like that. Why is it then, that looking back, I feel shameful? I feel like I failed? Shouldn’t I be proud that I stopped myself before it got so bad?

The other reason I feel as though I miss being sick, miss having an eating disorder, is because it gave me a sense of identity. It gave me something to work towards, a reason to get up in the morning and keep going, because I had a goal. It was an unhealthy goal, a life threatening, dangerous goal, but it was a goal. It was me. It was all that I was. Even though I had other passions, other desires, a common sense level smart enough to know that it needed to stop, the eating disorder was my identity. Almost like a secret identity…actually…exactly like a secret identity. Nobody ever knew I was sick. Nobody knew I was counting calories. Nobody knew that eating an apple freaked me out because it has about 100 calories. ED gave me an identity, a purpose, and a goal. Taking that away, I’ve lost such a big part of myself and I am struggling to find things to replace it with.

So, if someone reads this and can give me some answers as to whether or not it’s normal to “miss” an eating disorder, I would appreciate it. If someone would clarify why I feel that way or what your interpretation of what I’m saying is, I would love to read your responses and get some feedback.

p.s. I’m not looking for counseling, I have a psychologist I can call if I need to. I’m really just ranting and wondering what you all reading this think. I am not in any danger, I have no intentions of going back to ED behavior. These thoughts happen somewhat often and I just wanted to share them and get some feedback on them.

Let me know what you think!

Advertisements

Tonight I want to throw up

Standard

Tonight I want to throw up.

Tonight I feel sad and I feel overwhelmed by the thought of what I ate tonight.

The intrusive thoughts of him making an appearance.

Tonight I feel like crying.

I’m supposed to stop and observe the facts right now to help, so I’m gonna do that.

I wasn’t feeling this way until I started thinking about food tonight and him.

I ate very well tonight. I’m wanting to throw up because I ate ice-cream followed by chips and salsa. My stomach does not hurt, it’s a mental feeling. I want that unhealthy food and those calories out of my body. However, the facts are that the amount of ice-cream I ate wasn’t all too much, and the chips and salsa, the same thing. Neither were a lot or in an excess. They were just all at once, too fast. This feeling I am having, the desire to purge, it will pass. It always passes. So I will not throw up, I will wait for it to pass. I am allowed to eat ice-cream and chips and salsa. That is okay. What I need to do is better listen to my body and my brain when I know something will not make me feel good right now.

These are intrusive thoughts, nothing more, and then will not last forever. They never do.

I should have been hospitalized

Standard

Today I had a session with someone and I found out some very interesting and reassuring…and a little scary…things that I need to put onto a page. So here we go.

For a very long time now, I have been feeling like a liar. I have been feeling fake, and I have been feeling very confused. I felt like what I was telling people wasn’t accurate. Wasn’t true.  Even though I knew I was sick, I felt like what I was saying was a lie. Up until today I didn’t know why I felt that way, but now  I do.

Those feelings stem from a past of not being treated properly for the “diseases” or “illnesses” or whatever it is that you want to call what I had. A long time ago, I got help for an eating disorder, amongst other things, but the primary was the eating disorder. I didn’t tell the person I saw that it was my main concern, I kept that off to the side, but it was thrown around. The person that I saw for help claimed to specialize in eating disorders. So when I saw her, I was expecting to be told I needed to go to a treatment center or extensive outpatient therapy. Neither of those things were said to me. Instead, I was seen for the other factors that were likely stemming from or at least being triggered by the eating disorder. The eating disorder, which should have been the initial focus, was simply something to toss in from time to time. We would talk about it, but we never created a plan or really went into any detail about any of it.

The reason for this, I believe, is because I did not “look sick”, nor did I show many signs of internal damage occurring. By internal damage I mean GI tract issues, vision loss, slow BP, things like that. Well….I mean if I did have any of those things, nobody ever mentioned it to me. I had some GI problems, but I assumed they were things that just “happen sometimes”. You know? Like being constipated. It happens. Nobody told me that it could be happening because I am not eating enough.

I believe I wasn’t properly treated when I first went to get help because I did not “look sick”. My average weight was between 110 and 115. I am 5’4″, so that is underweight for someone of my height and also my build, my genetics, etc. However, I didn’t look like 110. I looked like 115-120 because of my build and the way my body distributes fat. I think this is why nobody really noticed my eating habits, my behaviors, my obsessions, etc. I think I looked healthy, therefor I was healthy to everyone around me when in reality, I was suffering.

The doctor I saw, I was truly expecting to give me an eating disorder work up of some kind. She didn’t even weigh me. She didn’t ask for a copy of my vitals. She asked me why I thought I was sick, what were my behaviors, and then she filed that information away and we talked more about the other problems I was having.

Back to the part about me feeling like a liar. I now know why I felt that way. I went into that therapy session thinking, “if I  really am this sick, she’s gonna send me somewhere to get help”. She didn’t do that. That doctor not giving me any kind of a work up besides a form to fill out confirmed what I believed, that I really wasn’t that sick. I was sick, and I had an eating disorder, but it wasn’t severe. I was fine. I was safe. I was in the clear. And I went with that. For years I felt like I needed to justify myself when I told people I had an eating disorder, even just my family, I justified it by saying “but it wasn’t that bad, I wasn’t hospitalized or anything.”

I felt like a liar. I felt like I was lying to everyone by saying I had an eating disorder because to me it wasn’t bad and if a doctor didn’t see it as much to be concerned with then why should I? I felt like I was also lying to myself because part of me knew I was sick. Really sick. Part of me knew that something was wrong and that I was telling people, not for the sake of having an interesting story, but so that they would step in and help me because I was still suffering. Part of me was still suffering.

Today I found out that my current doctor would have hospitalized me. I should have been hospitalized. I was sick and I didn’t get the help I needed because I didn’t fit the part; because the doctor I saw wasn’t properly trained in eating disorders even though her profile said she was. Even though she acted as though she was, maybe she wasn’t or maybe she just saw me wrong. I don’t know.

But I now understand why I thought the way I did and why I felt the way I did, up until today. Today I get it. Today I no longer feel like a liar. Like I need to justify myself. Like I’m fake. Today I know that what I was battling was very real. I just happened to see doctors who were not trained how I thought they were. And that sucks, but I’m so glad that I know now and I can stop that train of thought from continuing on.

I should have been hospitalized, and I am grateful to know that now.

I’m Just Looking for a Friend

Standard

It is so hard for me to make friends.

It’s even harder when I know the person or people think there’s a hidden agenda in why I’m talking to them.

There is not.

Just because I think you’re attractive, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you romantically.

I’m just looking for a friend.

There is no hidden agenda with me. If I want something, I’ll tell you.

All you have to do is talk to me, be forward, ask me and I’ll tell you where I stand.

But don’t assume that I’m after something simply because I’ve messaged you a few times.

I’m not “taking the hint” because there’s no hint to take.

I’m asking for a friend, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just someone I can talk to and get to know who is kind to me and understanding of me.

Someone to hangout with when I’m bored or lonely. Someone to go on coffee runs with me because lord knows I like my coffee. Call them “dates”, call them “hangouts”, whatever, I’m not out scouting my next relationship, just some new people to bring into my life. Where those encounters lead isn’t up to me.

All you have to do is talk to me and you’ll find all of this out,

I just hope you don’t make assumptions and push me away before you’ve even given me the chance to be let in.

I’m just looking for a friend, which is hard for me to do,

so instead of waiting for me to take the hint,

tell me where you stand, I’ll tell you where I stand, and we can go from there.

I am not off limits…

Standard

I am not off limits,

not as a person.

I will let new people in.

I will tell them my secrets should they ask about them.

I will hangout and get to know them.

I want to do that.

I also want them to want to do that, just for the purpose of making a new friend,

not hoping it’ll turn into more,

because I don’t want more.

I don’t even want that on my radar.

I’ll go out on coffee dates, I’ll hangout and relax, I just don’t want a relationship.

But I am not off limits,

not as a person,

just as a partner.

If that can be enough for you,

then you are welcome to be in my life.

 

 

11:02pm A Message.

Standard

I don’t want anybody right now.

Don’t wait for me to be ready.

Don’t try to push your way in,

because I will not let you.

If you try to push your way into my life, I will immediately cut you out of it.

If you want to like me, go ahead,

but don’t wait for me, don’t tell people I’ll be in your future,

because odds are I won’t.

This message is not written out of a place of fear or a place of anxiety.

This message is written from a place of strength and sincerity.

So please, do not take this lightly.

Do not take this as a sign that I am just shy,

because that is not the case.

No, I have been beaten down and I am just now learning how to stand back up,

And if you try to stand in the way of that,

you will regret it.

Why?

Because I am an incredible friend.

I am someone you want in your life,

but I am not someone who needs you in mine.

 

*be my friend, let that be enough

 

I Just Want to Impress People

Standard

Do you ever want to do something just for the sake of proving to people that you can do it? I’m genuinely asking anyone who reads this post to reply down in the comments section or to email me personally.

I don’t just mean peer pressure or a challenge; What I’m referring to is coming back from something hard, still being in a rough place, and just wanting to prove to people that you’re not who you used to be.

I constantly think about going to medical school solely for the purpose of getting a medical degree so I can be someone worth being proud of; so I can say to people, “hey look what I did, I told you I’m better, I told you I was changed, I told you I could do it”. I have no interest in being a doctor though, I hate biology so there’s that problem, but being a doctor is huge. It takes hard work and dedication and I just want to be something someone can be proud of. I want to be able to say I did something amazing, something shocking, something nobody thought I could do.

That isn’t fair though, not to me. I want to get a masters degree, again solely for the purpose of being able to say, “look. I did this. Me.”, but that’s not fair. That’s not right. I’d be doing it for them, not for me. I don’t think a bachelors degree is impressive enough. I don’t think anyone will really care or be shocked if I get that.

If I were to go into music or songwriting or YouTube/video production, nobody would be thrilled. They’d all be worried that I’m going to bottom out. That it’s not a career. If I were to major in health and wellness, work in a center or a psychiatric ward, I don’t think anyone would be impressed with me. I wouldn’t feel like I’ve done anything good other than put myself in debt…yeah that’s something I’m a pro at.

Like…none of this is because of my parents or anything. My parents are incredibly supportive people, but I personally don’t ever feel like I’m enough. Does that make sense? It’s not because I haven’t been told I’m enough, because I have. I get told people are proud of me regularly, but I just want to impress them, shock them, do something and become something they didn’t think I would, but that’s for them, not me.  Is that making sense at all?

So does anyone else understand what I’m saying and do you feel the same way? Let me know, please.