I’m scared…

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I am so scared now.

I am 23 years old, I should not be scared to meet new people. I should not fear for my safety when I think about going somewhere with someone new. I should not have intrusive thoughts about all the ways this new person could hurt me physically or emotionally.

I should not be fearing that this new person is going to touch me where or how I don’t want to be touched. I shouldn’t be scared, but I am.

I am very scared. I have been manipulated, taken advantage of, and touched by two different men in my life. I have been hurt and I am now scared to meet new people and put myself into vulnerable situations. I shouldn’t be scared of these things. These thoughts should not be plaguing my mind at 2am when I just want to sleep.

See, I am meeting this new person next week. I am so very excited to meet this guy. He’s a lot like me in terms of interests and he’s very funny and personable and likeable. I knew of him in high school, but I was always to afraid to talk to him because he  always seemed like someone who wouldn’t want to know the girl who’s terrified of people. So when he reached out to me, very much to my surprise by the way, of course I wanted to talk to him. I would love to know this person and for this person to know me. I think we would get along really well and we would have a lot in common.

I genuinely like the plan he has to show me around a local city because I’ve never been there. I’ve never had someone to show me the ropes and show me the area. So this is such a good plan, one that I am excited about.

And yet, I sit here in the early morning hours, scared. Scared knowing this person thinks I’m attractive, a concept that should be flattering, and it is, it really is, but it’s also quite scary. It makes me wonder what his intentions actually are because the last time I went to hangout with someone new, I was touched in ways I didn’t want to be. I was attracted to that person as well, but I didn’t want to be touched like that. I am not an object, and that’s all I was to him. An object.

So now I’m scared that this new person, who I pray does not read this before we hangout because I am sure it will scare him off, this person will hurt me just as the last did. This person will try to do things to me that I don’t want. I find this new person to be very attractive, he’s basically the epitome of my type honestly. So I’m not saying I don’t want him to be attracted to me, I just don’t want to feel like an object again. I can’t do it. I can’t feel like an object again.

I don’t think this person means me any harm or sees me as a goal to fuck. I really don’t. He has always struck me as a genuinely good guy. I hope I’m right because if I’m wrong, and I get put into that awful situation for a third time, I don’t think I’ll come out of it.

So please, if by chance you do see this, don’t cancel on me. I’m not broken. I have a rocky past, but I’m so worth knowing as a person. Please don’t be scared of me. That being said, please, also be the good person I’m pretty sure you are. Please don’t prove me wrong. Please have enough respect for me to hear me when I say I can’t be hurt like that again. I can’t be.

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I was raped, where the hell were you?

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I was raped!

Repeatedly, raped.

Remember Rob?

Yeah that relationship worked out real well for me!

I was raped

and you weren’t there!

You bailed. When I needed you, you bailed because you thought I said something I didn’t.

You didn’t even value our friendship enough to try to talk to me about it and fix it!

You just left.

You lied to me and you left.

I needed you and you weren’t there!

I went through something and when I was just about ready to talk about it, I didn’t have that option because nobody was there!

I was alone.

I was facing something alone.

I was running from something, terrified, and I was doing it alone.

Because you weren’t there.

I was raped,

where the hell were you?

 

*a message to an ex friend

They Say

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They say it gets easier

When exactly is easier supposed to start?

They say just give it time

A year and a half isn’t long enough I guess.

They say to be present, in the moment

Well, here I am…now what?

They say to be vocal, speak up when you feel scared

Yeah, I’m okay.

They say remind yourself that this isn’t the same person

I know that…I really do

They say that one day you won’t think about it anymore

Well when is that day going to come?

When am I not going to be scared anymore?

When am I going to be able to relax?

When am I not going to question everything?

You say it gets easier…

So when?

I’m featured in a book!

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A few months back, I was approached by an author who was writing a book about sexual assault/sexual indecency. I was asked if a previous post of mine titled “I am the survivor” could be features in the book, I agreed. I do not make any income from this book what so ever; I am just so honored that the author felt my post was compelling enough to be placed in their book alongside dozens of other personal sexual assault/indecency stories.

The book, titled Please Tell Someone, is finally published (self published) on amazon.com! Check out the link below to purchase the book for just $5.00. I received a free PDF copy since my post is featured in the book and I am so excited about it!

I truly recommend that anyone who has dealt with sexual abuse/assault/indecency read this book. It is so personal and raw, while also portraying empowerment and the will to overcome something you never thought you’d have to face. It’s a wonderful collection of works and personal stories that I am so grateful and excited to be a part of.

 

Link to book: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B01MU2ZQPP

Link to authors post about the book: https://junidesireeblog.wordpress.com/2017/01/25/book-dedicated-to-sexual-assault-survivors/

If you want to see which post of mine is featured in the book, visit my page and search for the piece titled “I am the Survivor”.

An Open Letter to Victims of Sexual Abuse

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My apologies if this seems a little sloppy and scattered, I wanted to write it now while it was fresh in my mind and not rehearsed at a later date. So hey.

If you opened this letter, and are wondering if you fit this “category”, keep reading anyway because there are no categories when it comes to this letter. If you’re reading this then you’ve been abused in some way and that means you need to hear this.

Sexual abuse, whether in the form of rape, rape by object, sex by manipulation, sex by cooersion, whatever your situation may be, sexual abuse is a very defeating form of abuse. It breaks you down and makes you feel like you deserve it. Like you did this to yourself. That he or she is right to do this to you. That it’s okay for them to do this to you because they love you. I have heard it all. I spent a year and a half being sexually abused by one man who I let run my life. A man who taught me what sex meant. For me, what I learned was sex means shut the fuck up and try not to cry, and if you do cry, lie about it. Because you don’t matter. I didn’t matter. To him, I was an object. I was something he could maniptulate and “no” didn’t mean no to him, it meant “okay…time to make her feel gulty so I get what I want and if that doesn’t work I’ll just tell her it’ll be quick and start anyway”. I was abused. I was broken down. And even through the beginning of a new relatiomshp that followed once I left him, I had the hardest time with sex.

I need to tell all of you something. Whatever you have been taught about sex by your abuser is wrong. Whatever he or she has taught you is not true. Tonight, tonight I learned what sex means. Sex means passion. Sex means feeling things that I cannot describe to you and I wish I could because I know what it’s like to just want answers and to wonder if what you’re feeling is right. Sex is real and pure. Sex is connection. Sex is about both people involved, not just one. I want you all to know that it will take time, it may even take therapy because lord knows I needed it, but you will not feel the way you do now forever. You will not feel broken. You will not feel completely violated. You will not feel like parts of you have been stolen. You will not feel like you have no control. You will not feel like your brain and body have betrayed you. You will not feel helpless. You will not feel fragile because you are NOT fragile. You are NOT weak. You are NOT defenseless. And you do NOT deserve what has been done to you.

With or without sex, you will again start to feel whole. You will again start to feel like yourself. You will again remember what it’s like to love yourself. You will again, or if your situation is like mine then for the time, learn what sex actually means. You will learn how sex is supposed to feel. You will again or for the first time realize that you matter. You matter. I matter. You and I, we fucking matter.

You do not have to take what has been done to you. I need to you to know that you deserve more. You deserve a good sex life. This article is very sex based so I apologize if that makes you reading this uncomfortable, but you need to know and I hope you one day learn that sex is not a bad thing. It’s not manipulative. It’s not emotionally or physically painful. It’s not something you have to run from or be afraid of. Sex is something that will make you feel like you’re riding a high you’ve never ridden before. It’s freeing and natural and beautiful and I hope that you one day find someone who will remind you or teach you how it feels to enjoy sex. How to remember or learn that you matter. Because you do. You matter. I matter, and we matter.

Sincerely,

The girl next door.

I Am the Survivor

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Last night I found myself wondering why he chose me.

I was confused. I wasn’t mad at him; I wasn’t sad about the situation.

I just wondered, why?

What made him see me as someone he could manipulate.

I mean, yeah, he was right because that IS what he did for a year and a half,

but we met on Facebook.

Facebook.

He pegged me as this weak, easy to control, girl simply by talking to me online.

Why?

What did I do, say, not do, not say, to give him that impression of me?

That is a question that I will never get an answer to because,

  1. I am never going to ask
  2. He would not tell me even if I did

“Why?” is a question that will repeat itself from time to time.

It is also a question that has no real purpose in being asked.

Knowing why he chose me will not change what has happened.

Knowing why will not give me any kind of reassurance, in fact it would likely do the opposite.

Knowing why will not justify what he has done.

Knowing why will not make anything better.

Knowing why won’t change a damn thing

“Why?” is just some question I want to know the answer to for the sake of pride,

but I don’t need to preserve my pride because I have done nothing wrong.

He did.

His actions are not excusable.

What he put me through; what he made me feel; what he made me face,

that is on him. Not me.

I am not the victim here.

I am the survivor.

10 Things I Learned From Being In an Abusive Relationship

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It’s difficult to see and then accept that you are in an abusive relationship. It’s even harder to leave once you’ve accepted it, and the “why” is impossible to put into words. 


1. Abuse is in no way a black and white topic, there is so much gray interlaced throughout it. 

2. Verbal abuse does not always come in the form of negative commentary, but instead often comes in a twisted form of the positive.

3. Sometimes, you’re only as important as the services you can provide someone.

4.  Grand gestures to someone can be done for selfish reasons.

5. Trust your fucking instincts.

6. Guilt is not a valid reason to have sex.

7. If he constantly tells you that you are the problem, walk away because the problem is him. 

8. “Love” and “sex” are not fucking synonyms.

9. Neither are “Consent” and “Consensual”.

10. Abuse is not rare, it’s just not realized.