Is this a loss or is it anxiety…

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When I think about my best friend getting married, it worries me. Not for him, but for me. You see, my best friend is in the military. He has been for several years now and in those several years I have only seen him once. That guy who I knew in high school, who was there for me when I was at my lowest and who supported me while I tried to get to where I am today, he’s no longer around. He tries to be, and I am not made at him, nor do I have any negative feelings towards him. He kind of has the best excuse in the book honestly…I mean, the military is a serious gig, it’s a life altering job. I am proud of him, proud of who he has become, proud to know him, but I am sad that I’m losing him. Maybe I’m not, maybe this is my anxiety talking, but now he’s engaged. He’s engaged to an amazing girl who is so perfect for him and I could not be more thrilled for them, but with that comes what feels a lot like a loss for me. He’s my best friend, and I’m not even sure that his fiance knows I exist. When he gets married, am I going to be at his wedding, or am I just going to see it on Facebook? I guess I am just unsure of where I stand at this moment and whereas I am THRILLED for him, like genuinely, truly thrilled and proud and excited for him, I’m scared that I am in the process of losing yet another friend. Even if it would be for a good, valid reason. That fear…it’s a lot sometimes.

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I Answer 10 Personal Questions About Myself. A 5 Part Series.

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*Questions writtenΒ  by Nicole Tarkoff*

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

– The one thing that comes to mind is something that needs it’s own post. I’m a victim or sexual abuse/sexual indecency/rape, and facing that that has absolutely made me a stronger person.

2. What’s one thing that has happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

– Being punched by someone I called a friend in 9th grade, in the middle of studyhall, just because she wanted to. I sat there and she punched my arm 7 times. Nobody did anything. So not only did I feel weak, I felt alone.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

– In a flower garden taking macro photography shots of the bees and flowers.

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

– My bathroom. No idea why.

5. What do you think has had the largest influence on who you are today?

– Genetics and environmental stimuli. I’m a very anxious, shy, self conscious girl and that is primarily the result of genetics and the way I grew up.

6. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

– To not be so insecure.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

– Tell my current boyfriend that I love him because I think he deserves to know that if I’m going to die in 24 hours anyway!

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

– I get told I should have been born in the 70’s all of the time because I’m into loud patterns on clothing and baggy pants…

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

– I do not come from a tight knit family…but I’d say I’m closest to my mom because she is the person I tell things like breakups to first, even if I don’t actually want to talk about them. She is who I spend the most time with and who I feel the most relaxed with.

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

– People have always come and gone in my life, so it’s really difficult to choose a single person who knows me “best”, other than myself. Because of course, I know me best.