Hanging On

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Gone with wind, I’m drowning in a river

Caught in between the lies of a sinner

Kept inside all the years gone by

I’m trapped in a maze with blindfolded eyes

I’m lying to you and I’m lying to me

I’m running from the past that’s not chasing me

I’m up late at night just trying not to cry

Got voices in my head, am I hearing them right?

Lost in the echoes of my screams that

Don’t exist cause I won’t set them free

Got time on my mind cause it moves too fast

Like I’m caught in between the grains of an hourglass

 

And I don’t know where

I belong yet

And I don’t know when

I’ll figure it out

But I’m hanging on

To everything I’ve got

Cause it’s all I have

That’s keeping me up

And I swear I never meant to hurt anyone

I wanna make amends

I lost myself to a cold cruel world

That loves to see lives end

But I’m hanging on

I’m hanging on

 

I stand in the mirror, hours at a time

Just trying to accept that this body’s mine

My life isn’t perfect but it’s not bad

I’m conscious enough to know what I have

They say the more you smile the happier you’ll be

But when that smile is fake what the hell do you believe,

When lies get told and promises break

It takes everything I have just to look the other way

Standing on the edge I’m holding my breath

There’s a feeling in the air as I take another step

It’s eerie and its quiet, no one is around

And the rain is pouring down

 

And I don’t know where

I belong yet

And I don’t know when

I’ll figure it out

But I’m hanging on

To everything I’ve got

Cause it’s all I have

That’s keeping me up

And I swear I never meant to hurt anyone

I wanna make amends

I lost myself to a cold cruel world

That loves to see lives end

But I’m hanging on

 

I’m hanging on to the rope that’s kept me up

I’m hanging on to this life I’ve made me

And all this time, my body’s shaking

I’m hanging on to what’s left of me now

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Puzzle Pieces

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I am not broken, I was not glued back together.

I lost part of me with him, I lost a lot of what made me who I am,

There were a lot of pieces of me that were removed,

and he filled those then empty spaces with who he wanted me to be.

It’s kind of like trying to fit pieces of one puzzle into a different one and pushing and pushing until it fits just enough to hold.

In order to heal, I had to identify which pieces were the ones that he shoved into me and remove them.

Then go on a hunt and find the pieces of MY puzzle and put them back where they belong.

He did not break me. I was never really “broken”, but rather…missing pieces.

But I found them. I removed his pieces and I found mine and I put my puzzle back together again.

This is what you did to me – song?

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This is what you did to me

Broke me down made me believe,

That everything you said and everything you did was all out of love, was it all in my head?

No, this is what you did to me

Left me crying there into your sheets

And I never said a word, cause what was there to say?

I told you go ahead so am I to blame?

Every time I try to open up my eyes to the facts of the matter I feel like a liar

Cause I don’t want to blame you when it’s easier to blame me

So for now I’ll just stay here and remember what you did to me.

They Say

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They say it gets easier

When exactly is easier supposed to start?

They say just give it time

A year and a half isn’t long enough I guess.

They say to be present, in the moment

Well, here I am…now what?

They say to be vocal, speak up when you feel scared

Yeah, I’m okay.

They say remind yourself that this isn’t the same person

I know that…I really do

They say that one day you won’t think about it anymore

Well when is that day going to come?

When am I not going to be scared anymore?

When am I going to be able to relax?

When am I not going to question everything?

You say it gets easier…

So when?

You Are Completely Free

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I hate that you get out of this so easily

I hate that there is nothing I can do to retaliate against you.

You did this to me.

I suffered,

and you just…

you got broken up with.

That’s it.

That’s ALL that happened to you.

That’s ALL that will have EVER happened to you.

You will never suffer the way I have.

You will never have to face what you’ve done.

You will never feel shame or guilt,

because you will never have to own up to it.

You will get away with it,

and that is something that I will ALWAYS hate.

That I’m here,

fighting for my happiness;

fighting to overcome everything you did to me;

fighting to be free from this bullshit cell I keep getting pulled back into

because of memories that I can’t get away from.

While you,

you get to go about your life as normal

because nothing will ever happen to you.

Nothing will ever come back to haunt you

because you just got dumped.

That’s it.

That’s all that happened to you.

That’s all that will have ever happened to you.

You will never suffer the way I have.

You’re free.

You are completely free.

 

And Then I Met You

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I was once so trusting.
So loving.
So passionate,
and then I met you.
I was once so free.
So happy.
So safe,
and then I met you.
I mean,
I had my problems,
but I was getting better.
I was two years clean,
and then I met you.
I was eating well again,
and then I met you.
I was still fighting my battles,
but I was finally winning,
and then,
I Met You.
I met you
and suddenly I was back at square one.
Suddenly I was stealing pain pills from a closet.
Suddenly I was dropping out of college after college,
failing to see the point,
failing to see who I was before you.
You,
who took all the good parts of me.
You
who took that trusting, free, loving girl
and made her into something you could control.
You who raped me
without my even realizing it was rape because that is how normal it had become.
You who now haunts my every day,
my every night.
You who made me this shell of a person.
So much so,
that I can’t even let the man I now love,
love me back,
because I am too afraid that I’ll lose sight of myself yet again.
because I am too afraid that I will not be good enough.
He will never get to see the me I was before I met you.
Hell, I probably never will either,
because back then,
I was trusting.
Back then I was free.
I was lost but I was finding myself.
I was winning a war that I had been fighting for years.
Back then,
I was me.
And then I met you.