I don’t know what it’s like…

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I don’t know what it’s like to know exactly who you are.

I don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror, day and after day, and see no flaws.

Better yet, I don’t even know what it’s like to see flaws and accept them because you know you’re only human.

I don’t know what it’s like to wake up in the morning excited about the day ahead.

I don’t know what it’s like to see something new, different, and feel this overwhelming sensation that equates to holding your hand over a flame, knowing that, that thing you’re witnessing is what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a passion for something so strong that any negative thought or painful doubt you have about it is insignificant.

I don’t know what it’s like to be 100% authentically you.

I don’t know what it’s like to enter a room full of people and be nothing but calm.

I don’t know what it’s like to love yourself.

I don’t know what it’s like to feel someone touch you for the first time and get that wave of excitement, because all I feel is fear.

Just the thought of a simple hand holding gesture making me wince some days.

I don’t know what it’s like to be untouched and beautiful

I don’t know…a lot…of things.

I don’t know a lot of things that I should know,

that I want to know,

and I don’t know that I ever will.

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Hanging On

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Gone with wind, I’m drowning in a river

Caught in between the lies of a sinner

Kept inside all the years gone by

I’m trapped in a maze with blindfolded eyes

I’m lying to you and I’m lying to me

I’m running from the past that’s not chasing me

I’m up late at night just trying not to cry

Got voices in my head, am I hearing them right?

Lost in the echoes of my screams that

Don’t exist cause I won’t set them free

Got time on my mind cause it moves too fast

Like I’m caught in between the grains of an hourglass

 

And I don’t know where

I belong yet

And I don’t know when

I’ll figure it out

But I’m hanging on

To everything I’ve got

Cause it’s all I have

That’s keeping me up

And I swear I never meant to hurt anyone

I wanna make amends

I lost myself to a cold cruel world

That loves to see lives end

But I’m hanging on

I’m hanging on

 

I stand in the mirror, hours at a time

Just trying to accept that this body’s mine

My life isn’t perfect but it’s not bad

I’m conscious enough to know what I have

They say the more you smile the happier you’ll be

But when that smile is fake what the hell do you believe,

When lies get told and promises break

It takes everything I have just to look the other way

Standing on the edge I’m holding my breath

There’s a feeling in the air as I take another step

It’s eerie and its quiet, no one is around

And the rain is pouring down

 

And I don’t know where

I belong yet

And I don’t know when

I’ll figure it out

But I’m hanging on

To everything I’ve got

Cause it’s all I have

That’s keeping me up

And I swear I never meant to hurt anyone

I wanna make amends

I lost myself to a cold cruel world

That loves to see lives end

But I’m hanging on

 

I’m hanging on to the rope that’s kept me up

I’m hanging on to this life I’ve made me

And all this time, my body’s shaking

I’m hanging on to what’s left of me now

Little do I Know

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Little do you know I’m,

wide awake while you’re sleeping just fine

Little do you know I’m,

still healing while you’re living your life

And little you do you know my,

mind is racing but I

I’m gonna be just fine

I’m gonna be just fine

‘Cause little do I know I have got one hell of a drive

to make it through all your abuse and come out on the other side

And even in my darkest times

When your words invade my space

And those memories form nightmares that I cannot escape

I will be just fine

I will be alright

They Say

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They say it gets easier

When exactly is easier supposed to start?

They say just give it time

A year and a half isn’t long enough I guess.

They say to be present, in the moment

Well, here I am…now what?

They say to be vocal, speak up when you feel scared

Yeah, I’m okay.

They say remind yourself that this isn’t the same person

I know that…I really do

They say that one day you won’t think about it anymore

Well when is that day going to come?

When am I not going to be scared anymore?

When am I going to be able to relax?

When am I not going to question everything?

You say it gets easier…

So when?