I was raped, where the hell were you?

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I was raped!

Repeatedly, raped.

Remember Rob?

Yeah that relationship worked out real well for me!

I was raped

and you weren’t there!

You bailed. When I needed you, you bailed because you thought I said something I didn’t.

You didn’t even value our friendship enough to try to talk to me about it and fix it!

You just left.

You lied to me and you left.

I needed you and you weren’t there!

I went through something and when I was just about ready to talk about it, I didn’t have that option because nobody was there!

I was alone.

I was facing something alone.

I was running from something, terrified, and I was doing it alone.

Because you weren’t there.

I was raped,

where the hell were you?

 

*a message to an ex friend

This Is What I Am

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I have a habit of identifying solely with the mental disorders that I have, as well as what has happened to me in the past. I essentially introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Lauren and I have an anxiety disorder, a history with depression, and I am an abuse victim and previous self harmer”. I put those things first, and then include my good things. It should be the other way around.

I do this because those things are all I have known for a very long time. I don’t necessarily know what else I am. I feel like a hazard, like a complicated person so I give people a heads up, but that is not fair to me.

So I’m going to make a list, I don’t know how long, of all the things that I am. Well, at least all of the things I can think of at this point in time because this is something that I struggle with and am currently working on.

  • I am a survivor, first and foremost.
  • I am loyal to my family, my friends, and anyone else who happens to make their way into my life.
  • I am giving to those who need it, and even those who don’t.
  • I am a writer of many sorts, but my natural ability is in lyrics/poems and academic work.
  • I am an artist, whether I believe that all of the time or not.
  • I am intuitive, which likely stems from my love of psychology.
  • I am kind to all living things.
  • I have a heart the size of Jupiter.
  • I have an eye for nature photography.
  • I am smart and I enjoy learning about health and wellness.
  • I love to sing, although I do not feel I am good at it.
  • I am dedicated.
  • I love kids.
  • I love music of all kinds, but I am definitely a rock and roll girl above all.
  • I am passionate and romantic, but not in the stereotypical sense.
  • I like being different, but I hate being the center of attention if I am not in control of it…I’m a little bit of a control freak actually.

So that’s what I have right now.

But as I’m writing this, I was just told by one of my closest friends that I need to stop trying to identify with things and just “be Lauren”. Drop the rest and just be me and people will form their own opinions.

I do like his advice and his take, but that is difficult for me and that is something I have always struggled with. I label myself, I always have, I don’t really know how just say, “Hi, I’m Lauren”. There’s always more and it’s always, “I’m hard to handle, and I have quite a rough past” while also saying, “but I’m totally cool and worth having around”. I’m never just me because I have never done that. I’m human, we identify with things because that makes us who we are, but maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it.

 

I’m Just Looking for a Friend

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It is so hard for me to make friends.

It’s even harder when I know the person or people think there’s a hidden agenda in why I’m talking to them.

There is not.

Just because I think you’re attractive, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you romantically.

I’m just looking for a friend.

There is no hidden agenda with me. If I want something, I’ll tell you.

All you have to do is talk to me, be forward, ask me and I’ll tell you where I stand.

But don’t assume that I’m after something simply because I’ve messaged you a few times.

I’m not “taking the hint” because there’s no hint to take.

I’m asking for a friend, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just someone I can talk to and get to know who is kind to me and understanding of me.

Someone to hangout with when I’m bored or lonely. Someone to go on coffee runs with me because lord knows I like my coffee. Call them “dates”, call them “hangouts”, whatever, I’m not out scouting my next relationship, just some new people to bring into my life. Where those encounters lead isn’t up to me.

All you have to do is talk to me and you’ll find all of this out,

I just hope you don’t make assumptions and push me away before you’ve even given me the chance to be let in.

I’m just looking for a friend, which is hard for me to do,

so instead of waiting for me to take the hint,

tell me where you stand, I’ll tell you where I stand, and we can go from there.

To My Two Favorite Boys

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Not that either of you are going to read this,

but I have something to say anyway.

I want you both to know that you are so kind to me and I am very appreciative of that.

I take notice to both of you because of that.

I would love to get to know the two of you as people and not just as the two guys who work at the front desk and tell me I have a pretty smile.

I hope you’ll let me into your lives, but as you probably know by now,

I will not talk to you first.

I will not initiate conversation, but please don’t take that as a lack of interest.

I have social anxiety and it prevents me from doing those things,

but I promise I’m worth getting to know as a person, as a friend,

I’m worth having in your life.

So to my two favorite boys,

thank you and I hope you both let me know you.

 

10:45pm

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I find it hard to believe that someone could ever want me.

Not sexually, I already know there are people who want that, but me as a person.

Me, not just because they want sex, but because they want ME.

None of my exes ever really wanted me.

They thought they did, and then they got to know me and it all changed.

So I now find it very hard to believe that someone could want me.

Not just sex, but me as a person.

This is what you did to me – song?

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This is what you did to me

Broke me down made me believe,

That everything you said and everything you did was all out of love, was it all in my head?

No, this is what you did to me

Left me crying there into your sheets

And I never said a word, cause what was there to say?

I told you go ahead so am I to blame?

Every time I try to open up my eyes to the facts of the matter I feel like a liar

Cause I don’t want to blame you when it’s easier to blame me

So for now I’ll just stay here and remember what you did to me.