Sometimes

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Sometimes I wish we were something that could work. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so confused every time I see you. Sometimes I wish that when we hang out, we could just be friends. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so torn between what we are and what we could be. Sometimes I wish that when you’re holding me, you won’t let me go. Maybe then I’ll always feel safe, always feel loved.

Sometimes I wish you weren’t so good to me. Maybe then I wouldn’t regret saying no to staying over. Sometimes I wish you weren’t there for me that night. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared to be without you. Sometimes I wish that you wouldn’t hold me at all, because sometimes I feel more afraid than comforted. Sometimes I wish you weren’t such a genuine, kind – hearted man who reminds me that I don’t have to feel self conscious about anything. Maybe then I wouldn’t still be attached to you.

Sometimes I wish you hated me. Maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking about any of this. Sometimes I wish you saw my values through different eyes. Maybe then I’d think we had a shot. Sometimes I wish you treasured the things that I do. Maybe then I’d say “one more try”. Sometimes I wish you didn’t still have a piece of my heart. Maybe then I could let you go.

But all of the time, all of the time I grateful to have you. I am grateful that you exist and that you exist in my life. All of the time I am happy that you are someone I get to call my friend, even if our definition of “friend” is a little bit loose, a little bit different from the norm. All of the time I can say that I am better to know you than to have never met you, because I was in danger before you. All of the time I am grateful for our failed attempts, for our joyful moments, and for everything in between. These moments, these periods in time, are what have kept you in my life this long. They are what made our friendship what it is today. With our without those blurred lines, I hope with all of my heart that you will always be a part of my life.

I don’t know what I would do if I never got to yell at television with you again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never heard your sarcastic comments again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never got to engage in our stupid, witty banter ever again. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my favorite loser. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.

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Tell me hunny

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Throw up my life into a paper cup
Tell me hunny, do I look good enough?
Hit the ground, I’m never getting up
Tell me hunny, how’s my makeup look?

Shatterred in pieces but I’m doing fine
I’ll take a drag and ill walk that line
Between who I am and who I’m becoming
This isn’t the end but it feels like it’s coming

I’m hiding myself from no one but me
Crimson red paint that’s dripping around me
Down on me knees, looking up at the sky
Is it raining tonight or is it the tears in my eyes?
I’m hiding myself from no one but me
Turn off all the lights I dont want to see
The girl in the mirror she’s screaming at me
Saying she’s sorry, I’m sorry, to me.

 

 

Song bit

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I don’t like looking back, three years ago I never had, any friends, any hope,

I gave them up all for a joke, Of a man who laid his hands on parts of me he shouldn’t have,

and yes I knew, I swear I knew, that I had to leave but I couldn’t move,

Cause at one, point in time, you, had me by my mind and I almost lost it all, you didn’t care you watched me fall

But that was then and this is now and now is always gonna change but today it’s safe to say that I’m gonna be okay
I say I’m gonna be okay

Blogmas Day 23: Am I wrong to like getting a gift on Christmas?

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I grew up waking up on Christmas morning every year to a multitude of gifts under the Christmas tree. No I did not come from a rich household, my parents just worked hard and spent more than they had in order to give me and my brother the best Christmas ever. I am so grateful for that, I truly am. Christmas was always special in my house, even if as a child, it was somewhat about the presents.

As I get older, I seem to find myself struggling between that desire to get a gift for Christmas and realizing that I really do not need a gift from someone to know their love and to know that they see and understand me. I am that family oriented person who truly does believe Christmas is purely about being surrounded by the people you love, who love you, and enjoying the day together however you see fit. However, seeing as I grew up with the normative ways of gift exchanging, I also crave that act of getting a gift and being surprised by it and falling in love with it. As materialistic as that sounds, an adjective that I am most certainly not, it’s something I am struggling with.

Am I a terrible person for wanting gifts on Christmas? Admittedly I do enjoy giving more than getting, I have since I was a little kid. I was the girl who made sure her parents opened her gifts from her when she was watching so she could see their reactions and excitement. I’m the girl who thinks way too hard about Christmas shopping because I want to see the joy in the eyes of my friends and family. I love giving because it makes other people smile, it lightens a mood and can give hope to someone desperately in need of it.

That being said, I’m also the girl who liked getting gifts. I find comfort in knowing that the people I grew up with, the people who raised me, know me. I always liked the norm of gift exchanging with a loved one. It always felt so personal and romantic, even thoughΒ  I would be just as happy baking cookies and watching Christmas movies. I get very confused and it’s made even more difficult when I know people who truly don’t like when people by them gifts, for any occasion. It’s not who they are and that makes me feel like a terrible person for wanting things from them on Christmas or my birthday.

Does anyone else feel as confused as I do?

Blogmas Day 22: Needing a night out

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Sometimes you just need your best friend, good music, a tequila and sprite, and a late night. That was me tonight. I desperately needed to forget about my work week, my embarrassing break down, my bad experiences, and just let loose for a couple of hours. I needed to sing some throwbacks, dance way too close to strangers, get groped by a gay guy…well…okay I didn’t need that part but it was definitely comedic, and probably spill my drink more than a couple of times.

I am so happy I agreed to go out tonight. I feel so much more relaxed…but that’s honestly probably the tequila talking. Hopefully this feeling lasts though and I can have an amazing Christmas and hopefully an even more amazing start to my 2018.

Blogmas Day 21: I am so humiliated

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Today was a really difficult, complicated, confusing day. A day that I was in no way anticipating. I had a normal morning. I had a therapy appt, it went well, I went to work. I walked into work expecting a normal day, so it was to my surprise that about an hour after I got there I was told that I will be learning more about insurance in order to help out Gabby and take on a more active role in that department. I immediately felt the tears well up.

I tried to do what my psychologist taught me and distract my short term memory by counting something or reading some names on the schedule, but it didn’t work. I went to the bathroom and lightly cried and then returned to the front desk feeling a little bit better. However, I that light cry was apparently just the tip of the iceburg. When the idea was brought up again for further discussion, I got very emotional and started to cry. Up front. One of our higher ups (I’ll call her E), asked if I wanted to go to the back and take a minute so I went with her. What I wasn’t expecting was for two of our therapists to be on lunch in the back so I walked in thinking it would be quiet and alone and it wasn’t. So two therapists saw me crying, which is really unsettling for me and made me feel very embarrassed and ashamed.

After catching my breath and settling down, I realized that for some unknown reason I had brought a sticky note and pencil with me. I decided that I was going to tell E what was going on, but I didn’t want to say it because it would have kept me crying so I wrote it down. I didn’t give very many details, but I did say I am in eating disorder treatment and then I will be starting trauma counseling in mid February, so I was just feeling very overwhelmed and to walk in and find out I’m going to have more put onto my plate and more to think about, it just all kind of hit me. I felt very alone and very discouraged and still quite embarrassed because the two therapists could obviously hear what was going on.

Once I had settled down I was able to go back up front and start learning insurance things just fine. I was never against learning them, I’m scared to, because its a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure, but I wasn’t opposed. I was just in so much shock and felt like I was just drowning in new things and new information and had so much going on that adding to my pile felt like the a ton of bricks just crashing to the floor. I couldn’t handle it.

I still feel so embarrassed, so ashamed and so small because of that event. I did not want anyone outside the two people who already knew, knowing. I especially didn’t want one of the higher ups at work knowing I was struggling. One of my coworkers maybe, like G or C or D I probably would have told because I find them to be very trustworthy and very reassuring, but I really just wanted to handle it. It is inappropriate to fall apart at work, but that’s exactly what I did. I fell apart and I am so humiliated.

Blogmas Days 11 and 12: A Simple Bucket List

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Between yesterday and today, I have just been so tired so you’ll have to excuse this combined post. I have never been good at consecutive blogging so a much as I am enjoying this process, it’s also quite the challenge for me to remember to post and have something good to post about.

So tonight, I’m going to make a personal bucket list of 10 things I want to do at some point in this hopefully very long life of mine.

  1. Learn ASL. This is something I have wanted to learn since I was 8 years old when I taught myself the alphabet, how to count to ten, and a bunch of random signs that I have no idea how to use in a sentence!
  2. Travel outside of the country (USA), and I don’t just mean cross the border into Canada. Don’t get me wrong, going there would be AWESOME, but when I when I say leave the country, I really mean leave the continent.
  3. Sing my songs in public. This is also something I’ve wanted to do since I was a child, but social anxiety has made that near impossible. I am also dealing with an unsolved throat problem that has absolutely limited my ability to sing how I know I am capable of. I hope to one day be able to share my songs with the world, even if it’s just via the internet to start. I don’t need to be a world famous singer. I just want my voice to be heard and my songs to be known.
  4. Write a book…
  5. Get a graduate degree/hopefully PhD in Psychology.
  6. Learn how to properly shoot a gun…I can hit a target, but that’s about the extent of my knowledge right now!
  7. Visit an animal sanctuary farm
  8. Grow a garden filled with all of my own fresh vegetables and fruits if I can
  9. Live by myself for at least 1 year, preferably in a city.
  10. Learn. I genuinely just want to learn about this world, it’s secrets, it’s truths and lies, all of it. I want to learn.