I miss having an eating disorder…

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I have a question; is it wrong or abnormal to miss struggling with an eating disorder? I know that sounds strange and probably also sounds like I’m still struggling with it. I don’t necessarily miss the starving or calories counti…no that’s a lie. Yes I do. Okay, let’s just break this down a little bit.

When I think of my past with the eating disorder, I don’t get that sense of pride for having “beat it”. When I think about my past behavior, past addiction, I actually almost miss being anorexic/bulimic. The main reason being, I never felt as if I reached the stereotypical physical image of someone who is considered to be anorexic/bulimic, like I didn’t reach my “goal weight” or goal “appearance”. As if I was striving for something but never actually got there, like I had failed. I see images of girls (and I say girls because I am a girl so naturally those are the images I was looking at) and I feel like I failed. I feel like I wasn’t really anorexic because I didn’t look like them, not yet at least. I was on my way there, but I got stopped in my tracks. The weird part about that is I wasn’t stopped by someone else like a doctor or a friend or even a family member, I was stopped by myself. So, that essentially means I knew I was sick and I didn’t want to keep getting sick so I asked for help. I didn’t want to look like that or be like that. Why is it then, that looking back, I feel shameful? I feel like I failed? Shouldn’t I be proud that I stopped myself before it got so bad?

The other reason I feel as though I miss being sick, miss having an eating disorder, is because it gave me a sense of identity. It gave me something to work towards, a reason to get up in the morning and keep going, because I had a goal. It was an unhealthy goal, a life threatening, dangerous goal, but it was a goal. It was me. It was all that I was. Even though I had other passions, other desires, a common sense level smart enough to know that it needed to stop, the eating disorder was my identity. Almost like a secret identity…actually…exactly like a secret identity. Nobody ever knew I was sick. Nobody knew I was counting calories. Nobody knew that eating an apple freaked me out because it has about 100 calories. ED gave me an identity, a purpose, and a goal. Taking that away, I’ve lost such a big part of myself and I am struggling to find things to replace it with.

So, if someone reads this and can give me some answers as to whether or not it’s normal to “miss” an eating disorder, I would appreciate it. If someone would clarify why I feel that way or what your interpretation of what I’m saying is, I would love to read your responses and get some feedback.

p.s. I’m not looking for counseling, I have a psychologist I can call if I need to. I’m really just ranting and wondering what you all reading this think. I am not in any danger, I have no intentions of going back to ED behavior. These thoughts happen somewhat often and I just wanted to share them and get some feedback on them.

Let me know what you think!

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I was raped, where the hell were you?

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I was raped!

Repeatedly, raped.

Remember Rob?

Yeah that relationship worked out real well for me!

I was raped

and you weren’t there!

You bailed. When I needed you, you bailed because you thought I said something I didn’t.

You didn’t even value our friendship enough to try to talk to me about it and fix it!

You just left.

You lied to me and you left.

I needed you and you weren’t there!

I went through something and when I was just about ready to talk about it, I didn’t have that option because nobody was there!

I was alone.

I was facing something alone.

I was running from something, terrified, and I was doing it alone.

Because you weren’t there.

I was raped,

where the hell were you?

 

*a message to an ex friend

This Is What I Am

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I have a habit of identifying solely with the mental disorders that I have, as well as what has happened to me in the past. I essentially introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Lauren and I have an anxiety disorder, a history with depression, and I am an abuse victim and previous self harmer”. I put those things first, and then include my good things. It should be the other way around.

I do this because those things are all I have known for a very long time. I don’t necessarily know what else I am. I feel like a hazard, like a complicated person so I give people a heads up, but that is not fair to me.

So I’m going to make a list, I don’t know how long, of all the things that I am. Well, at least all of the things I can think of at this point in time because this is something that I struggle with and am currently working on.

  • I am a survivor, first and foremost.
  • I am loyal to my family, my friends, and anyone else who happens to make their way into my life.
  • I am giving to those who need it, and even those who don’t.
  • I am a writer of many sorts, but my natural ability is in lyrics/poems and academic work.
  • I am an artist, whether I believe that all of the time or not.
  • I am intuitive, which likely stems from my love of psychology.
  • I am kind to all living things.
  • I have a heart the size of Jupiter.
  • I have an eye for nature photography.
  • I am smart and I enjoy learning about health and wellness.
  • I love to sing, although I do not feel I am good at it.
  • I am dedicated.
  • I love kids.
  • I love music of all kinds, but I am definitely a rock and roll girl above all.
  • I am passionate and romantic, but not in the stereotypical sense.
  • I like being different, but I hate being the center of attention if I am not in control of it…I’m a little bit of a control freak actually.

So that’s what I have right now.

But as I’m writing this, I was just told by one of my closest friends that I need to stop trying to identify with things and just “be Lauren”. Drop the rest and just be me and people will form their own opinions.

I do like his advice and his take, but that is difficult for me and that is something I have always struggled with. I label myself, I always have, I don’t really know how just say, “Hi, I’m Lauren”. There’s always more and it’s always, “I’m hard to handle, and I have quite a rough past” while also saying, “but I’m totally cool and worth having around”. I’m never just me because I have never done that. I’m human, we identify with things because that makes us who we are, but maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it.

 

Little do I Know

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Little do you know I’m,

wide awake while you’re sleeping just fine

Little do you know I’m,

still healing while you’re living your life

And little you do you know my,

mind is racing but I

I’m gonna be just fine

I’m gonna be just fine

‘Cause little do I know I have got one hell of a drive

to make it through all your abuse and come out on the other side

And even in my darkest times

When your words invade my space

And those memories form nightmares that I cannot escape

I will be just fine

I will be alright

11:02pm A Message.

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I don’t want anybody right now.

Don’t wait for me to be ready.

Don’t try to push your way in,

because I will not let you.

If you try to push your way into my life, I will immediately cut you out of it.

If you want to like me, go ahead,

but don’t wait for me, don’t tell people I’ll be in your future,

because odds are I won’t.

This message is not written out of a place of fear or a place of anxiety.

This message is written from a place of strength and sincerity.

So please, do not take this lightly.

Do not take this as a sign that I am just shy,

because that is not the case.

No, I have been beaten down and I am just now learning how to stand back up,

And if you try to stand in the way of that,

you will regret it.

Why?

Because I am an incredible friend.

I am someone you want in your life,

but I am not someone who needs you in mine.

 

*be my friend, let that be enough

 

I’m sorry I come on strong

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I get excited when I meet new people. I want to learn about them.

I come on strong because I’m eager.

Eager to know more. Eager to listen to their stories, their passions. Eager to remember little details about them that make them smile. Eager to make a new friend.

I love making new friends, it may scare the fuck out of me, but I love it at the same time.

You see, I’m not scared of people, exactly.

Like, strangers, they’re not as scary to me.

But if someone I’m starting to know talks to me, I freeze. My mind starts working at a speed of 100 miles/minute. I’m still learning how to control that.

So to some people, I come on strong because my mind is racing and my eagerness is battling that and I just sound like a batshit human running on 10 cups of coffee. So for that I apologize.

You see, again, I’m not scared of people exactly,

I’m scared of what will happen once they know about my anxiety; about my past; about my present.

I come on strong because I am eager.

I am eager to distract people from who I actually am, from who  I have been, from what has happened to me and who I have become because of it.

But underneath all of that, I’m a very gentle, loving, kind person who is just terrified of the world sometimes.

So I’m sorry that I come on strong in the beginning, but if you are someone new and you happen to read this, I promise I’m someone who is worth getting to know.

 

I Answer 10 Personal Questions About Myself. A 5 Part Series.

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*Questions written  by Nicole Tarkoff*

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

– The one thing that comes to mind is something that needs it’s own post. I’m a victim or sexual abuse/sexual indecency/rape, and facing that that has absolutely made me a stronger person.

2. What’s one thing that has happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

– Being punched by someone I called a friend in 9th grade, in the middle of studyhall, just because she wanted to. I sat there and she punched my arm 7 times. Nobody did anything. So not only did I feel weak, I felt alone.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

– In a flower garden taking macro photography shots of the bees and flowers.

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

– My bathroom. No idea why.

5. What do you think has had the largest influence on who you are today?

– Genetics and environmental stimuli. I’m a very anxious, shy, self conscious girl and that is primarily the result of genetics and the way I grew up.

6. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

– To not be so insecure.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

– Tell my current boyfriend that I love him because I think he deserves to know that if I’m going to die in 24 hours anyway!

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

– I get told I should have been born in the 70’s all of the time because I’m into loud patterns on clothing and baggy pants…

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

– I do not come from a tight knit family…but I’d say I’m closest to my mom because she is the person I tell things like breakups to first, even if I don’t actually want to talk about them. She is who I spend the most time with and who I feel the most relaxed with.

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

– People have always come and gone in my life, so it’s really difficult to choose a single person who knows me “best”, other than myself. Because of course, I know me best.