This Is What I Am

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I have a habit of identifying solely with the mental disorders that I have, as well as what has happened to me in the past. I essentially introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Lauren and I have an anxiety disorder, a history with depression, and I am an abuse victim and previous self harmer”. I put those things first, and then include my good things. It should be the other way around.

I do this because those things are all I have known for a very long time. I don’t necessarily know what else I am. I feel like a hazard, like a complicated person so I give people a heads up, but that is not fair to me.

So I’m going to make a list, I don’t know how long, of all the things that I am. Well, at least all of the things I can think of at this point in time because this is something that I struggle with and am currently working on.

  • I am a survivor, first and foremost.
  • I am loyal to my family, my friends, and anyone else who happens to make their way into my life.
  • I am giving to those who need it, and even those who don’t.
  • I am a writer of many sorts, but my natural ability is in lyrics/poems and academic work.
  • I am an artist, whether I believe that all of the time or not.
  • I am intuitive, which likely stems from my love of psychology.
  • I am kind to all living things.
  • I have a heart the size of Jupiter.
  • I have an eye for nature photography.
  • I am smart and I enjoy learning about health and wellness.
  • I love to sing, although I do not feel I am good at it.
  • I am dedicated.
  • I love kids.
  • I love music of all kinds, but I am definitely a rock and roll girl above all.
  • I am passionate and romantic, but not in the stereotypical sense.
  • I like being different, but I hate being the center of attention if I am not in control of it…I’m a little bit of a control freak actually.

So that’s what I have right now.

But as I’m writing this, I was just told by one of my closest friends that I need to stop trying to identify with things and just “be Lauren”. Drop the rest and just be me and people will form their own opinions.

I do like his advice and his take, but that is difficult for me and that is something I have always struggled with. I label myself, I always have, I don’t really know how just say, “Hi, I’m Lauren”. There’s always more and it’s always, “I’m hard to handle, and I have quite a rough past” while also saying, “but I’m totally cool and worth having around”. I’m never just me because I have never done that. I’m human, we identify with things because that makes us who we are, but maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it.

 

Little do I Know

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Little do you know I’m,

wide awake while you’re sleeping just fine

Little do you know I’m,

still healing while you’re living your life

And little you do you know my,

mind is racing but I

I’m gonna be just fine

I’m gonna be just fine

‘Cause little do I know I have got one hell of a drive

to make it through all your abuse and come out on the other side

And even in my darkest times

When your words invade my space

And those memories form nightmares that I cannot escape

I will be just fine

I will be alright

11:02pm A Message.

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I don’t want anybody right now.

Don’t wait for me to be ready.

Don’t try to push your way in,

because I will not let you.

If you try to push your way into my life, I will immediately cut you out of it.

If you want to like me, go ahead,

but don’t wait for me, don’t tell people I’ll be in your future,

because odds are I won’t.

This message is not written out of a place of fear or a place of anxiety.

This message is written from a place of strength and sincerity.

So please, do not take this lightly.

Do not take this as a sign that I am just shy,

because that is not the case.

No, I have been beaten down and I am just now learning how to stand back up,

And if you try to stand in the way of that,

you will regret it.

Why?

Because I am an incredible friend.

I am someone you want in your life,

but I am not someone who needs you in mine.

 

*be my friend, let that be enough

 

I’m sorry I come on strong

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I get excited when I meet new people. I want to learn about them.

I come on strong because I’m eager.

Eager to know more. Eager to listen to their stories, their passions. Eager to remember little details about them that make them smile. Eager to make a new friend.

I love making new friends, it may scare the fuck out of me, but I love it at the same time.

You see, I’m not scared of people, exactly.

Like, strangers, they’re not as scary to me.

But if someone I’m starting to know talks to me, I freeze. My mind starts working at a speed of 100 miles/minute. I’m still learning how to control that.

So to some people, I come on strong because my mind is racing and my eagerness is battling that and I just sound like a batshit human running on 10 cups of coffee. So for that I apologize.

You see, again, I’m not scared of people exactly,

I’m scared of what will happen once they know about my anxiety; about my past; about my present.

I come on strong because I am eager.

I am eager to distract people from who I actually am, from who  I have been, from what has happened to me and who I have become because of it.

But underneath all of that, I’m a very gentle, loving, kind person who is just terrified of the world sometimes.

So I’m sorry that I come on strong in the beginning, but if you are someone new and you happen to read this, I promise I’m someone who is worth getting to know.

 

I Answer 10 Personal Questions About Myself. A 5 Part Series.

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*Questions written  by Nicole Tarkoff*

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

– The one thing that comes to mind is something that needs it’s own post. I’m a victim or sexual abuse/sexual indecency/rape, and facing that that has absolutely made me a stronger person.

2. What’s one thing that has happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

– Being punched by someone I called a friend in 9th grade, in the middle of studyhall, just because she wanted to. I sat there and she punched my arm 7 times. Nobody did anything. So not only did I feel weak, I felt alone.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

– In a flower garden taking macro photography shots of the bees and flowers.

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

– My bathroom. No idea why.

5. What do you think has had the largest influence on who you are today?

– Genetics and environmental stimuli. I’m a very anxious, shy, self conscious girl and that is primarily the result of genetics and the way I grew up.

6. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

– To not be so insecure.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

– Tell my current boyfriend that I love him because I think he deserves to know that if I’m going to die in 24 hours anyway!

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

– I get told I should have been born in the 70’s all of the time because I’m into loud patterns on clothing and baggy pants…

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

– I do not come from a tight knit family…but I’d say I’m closest to my mom because she is the person I tell things like breakups to first, even if I don’t actually want to talk about them. She is who I spend the most time with and who I feel the most relaxed with.

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

– People have always come and gone in my life, so it’s really difficult to choose a single person who knows me “best”, other than myself. Because of course, I know me best.

 

 

And Then I Met You

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I was once so trusting.
So loving.
So passionate,
and then I met you.
I was once so free.
So happy.
So safe,
and then I met you.
I mean,
I had my problems,
but I was getting better.
I was two years clean,
and then I met you.
I was eating well again,
and then I met you.
I was still fighting my battles,
but I was finally winning,
and then,
I Met You.
I met you
and suddenly I was back at square one.
Suddenly I was stealing pain pills from a closet.
Suddenly I was dropping out of college after college,
failing to see the point,
failing to see who I was before you.
You,
who took all the good parts of me.
You
who took that trusting, free, loving girl
and made her into something you could control.
You who raped me
without my even realizing it was rape because that is how normal it had become.
You who now haunts my every day,
my every night.
You who made me this shell of a person.
So much so,
that I can’t even let the man I now love,
love me back,
because I am too afraid that I’ll lose sight of myself yet again.
because I am too afraid that I will not be good enough.
He will never get to see the me I was before I met you.
Hell, I probably never will either,
because back then,
I was trusting.
Back then I was free.
I was lost but I was finding myself.
I was winning a war that I had been fighting for years.
Back then,
I was me.
And then I met you.

A Year of Blogging: Day 21

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Q: When you say things you don’t mean, are you generally trying to protect yourself or someone else?

A: I’m reading this question like, yourself OR someone else, not a combined version.

Personally, I do both. 9/10 times I am trying to protect myself because I have been through a lot and put myself through a lot, so I am very defensive over certain topics. I try not to say things that are untrue or unjustifiable or even just an exaggerated version of the truth, because that accomplishes nothing. If I do say things I either don’t mean or don’t 100% know, it’s to defend myself from being hurt or feeing attacked or judged. Sometimes I’ll even defend myself so that I don’t feel stupid if I’m wrong, but it’s okay to be wrong and that is something I’m working on.

As far as defending other people, that highly depends on the surrounding conversation. If the topic is serious or very personal to that person, I am likely to defend them if they aren’t there to defend themselves, again, something I am trying to stop doing. It’s not my battle to fight.