I have so much to say and no idea how to say any of it

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I sit here right now, at 9pm, thinking about a lot.

Thinking about what happened just a few nights ago,

thinking about how I feel about it, why it happened,

thinking about how much I want to not be thinking about it.

I sit here right now feeling like I’m forcing myself to write this,

not out of a fear or anxiety of doing so, but rather a lack of interest in what I am saying.

I always have so much to say, so many thoughts and feeling in my head, but the second I type in this website address and hit “add new post”, my mind goes blank and I become robotic.

It doesn’t make much sense to me because just sixty seconds ago I had thoughts upon thoughts ciricleing and suddenly they’re all silent.

I sit here right now trying way too hard to write what is on my mind, but don’t you comment anything like “you just have to go with it, let it flow, relax and type” because that’s not how my brain works. I’m a thinker. I live in my head. Getting out of it, even just putting words on paper, which is actually something that lyrically I am quite good at, I can’t seem to do it here. I’m guessing it’s a judgment thing towards myself. I don’t know.

I sit here right now thinking this is not at all where I thought this was going to go, nor is it what I wanted to say at all.

I wanted to recap the events that transpired on Saturday night, the good events, the events that happened after the bad ones.

I wanted to write about how confused I am so that I could lay it all out in front of me, but I can’t seem to figure out how in the heck to make that happen.

I wanted to write about my coworker for two seconds because I am so envious of her and that makes me feel guilty because I’m not being fair to myself.

I wanted to write about how I have opinions on very controversial topics that would piss people off, but I do not think I could pull that off because I value being liked over stating how I feel.

I wanted to write about how grateful I am to have this one specific person in my life and write about how I feel about that person both positively and negatively.

I wanted to write about how I feel guilty for telling another person about what they did to me and how I took it. I want to apologize and take it back and let them know that they aren’t a bad person. But I cannot do that.

I wanted to write about how I’m kind of over what happened to me physically, but I’m not over all of these thoughts of guilt and acting about it. I should talk to someone but then I feel terrible for having to go back to therapy AGAIN.

I am so torn in so many directions and I am so very confused.

I have so much to say and absolutely no idea how to say any of it.

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To My Two Favorite Boys

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Not that either of you are going to read this,

but I have something to say anyway.

I want you both to know that you are so kind to me and I am very appreciative of that.

I take notice to both of you because of that.

I would love to get to know the two of you as people and not just asΒ the two guys who work at the front desk and tell me I have a pretty smile.

I hope you’ll let me into your lives, but as you probably know by now,

I will not talk to you first.

I will not initiate conversation, but please don’t take that as a lack of interest.

I have social anxiety and it prevents me from doing those things,

but I promise I’m worth getting to know as a person, as a friend,

I’m worth having in your life.

So to my two favorite boys,

thank you and I hope you both let me know you.

 

10:45pm

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I find it hard to believe that someone could ever want me.

Not sexually, I already know there are people who want that, but me as a person.

Me, not just because they want sex, but because they want ME.

None of my exes ever really wanted me.

They thought they did, and then they got to know me and it all changed.

So I now find it very hard to believe that someone could want me.

Not just sex, but me as a person.