Little do I Know

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Little do you know I’m,

wide awake while you’re sleeping just fine

Little do you know I’m,

still healing while you’re living your life

And little you do you know my,

mind is racing but I

I’m gonna be just fine

I’m gonna be just fine

‘Cause little do I know I have got one hell of a drive

to make it through all your abuse and come out on the other side

And even in my darkest times

When your words invade my space

And those memories form nightmares that I cannot escape

I will be just fine

I will be alright

This is what you did to me – song?

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This is what you did to me

Broke me down made me believe,

That everything you said and everything you did was all out of love, was it all in my head?

No, this is what you did to me

Left me crying there into your sheets

And I never said a word, cause what was there to say?

I told you go ahead so am I to blame?

Every time I try to open up my eyes to the facts of the matter I feel like a liar

Cause I don’t want to blame you when it’s easier to blame me

So for now I’ll just stay here and remember what you did to me.

A Year of Blogging: Day 12 (lost day 11)

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Q: What one additional skill that you could have learned as a child would be very valuable to you now?

A: The personal skill of not being afraid to go after what you want. Most people don’t know this about me, but I’ve always wanted to act and sing. My entire life since I was a little girl, but I was always too scared to do anything about it. I would sing in the garage or my room, but that was it. Nobody knew I wrote songs. Nobody knew I just wanted to sing. I never put on shows or did things in school with drama, because I was afraid. I was so afraid and I got severe anxiety of the thought of it, so I let it go. I regret that. I regret never learning how to just go for things. I’m still so afraid to sing or act because I’ve never done it. I never got over that first try because I never had it. Had I don’t something about my dreams when they first hit me, I could be in a completely different place in my life, orΒ I could be where I am now, writing a blog post in my bath tub, but at least I’d have tried and I’d be continuing to try.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 6

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List 10 songs that you are loving right now!

  1. Closer by The Chain Smokers ft. Halsey
  2. Dirty Laundry by Carrie Underwood
  3. Remedy by Seether
  4. Fuck Yourself by Halsey
  5. Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix
  6. Problem by Natalia Kills
  7. MOVE by Luke Bryan
  8. True Disaster by Tove Lo
  9. Used To Love You by Gwen Stefani
  10. One Dance by Drake
  11. BONUS* Ten Thousand Fists by Disturbed
  12. BONUS* River by Bishop Briggs
  13. BONUS* Absolute Zero by Stone Sour
  14. BONUS* Weak by Seether

Okay I’m done adding bonuses now…

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 2

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What is one thing someone said to you that you never forgot?

There are a few things that I could write for this challenge, some negative some positive, some just random. I would love to put down something profound or inspirational that someone once told me, but honestly, I’ve never lived that kind of life. So instead, I’m going to put this:

“I think you’re going to be a vocal major in college”

This was said to me when I was 17/18 years old, by my guitar teacher at the time. He was the first person to ever tell me that I had talent in voice (besides the vocal teacher I had for two months when I was like…13). He was impressed whenΒ  I first started playing guitar, but then I got depressed and started slacking, and then he decided he wanted me to pick a song to learn that I also wanted to sing.

I came into session that following week with the song, Lightweight by Demi Lovato, one of the few songs I still know how to play. He listened to it and the first thing we did was scales, both on guitar and vocal. He told me he was impressed at how quickly I was able to find the notes vocally. We spent the remainder of the session just playing the chords with no vocals.

The following week I came in expecting more scales. Instead, he wanted me to just start playing, start singing. So I did and a big smile came across his face even though I was embarrassed that I didn’t get it the first try, or the second, or the third. I remember saying, “I can’t get it” and he said, “but do you hear how close you are??” and then it clicked and I got it and I learned how to play and sing that song in a one hour session.

He knew that I wasn’t sure what I was doing with school in the future, we talked about a lot, he was a very laid back guy. As I was getting up and heading out the door to the main lobby of the music store, he said “I think you’re going to be a vocal major in college”. I just kind of…laughed with my head down because I was shy and really didn’t believe in myself then.

That one sentence is the reason I still sing. I may not do it outside my bedroom or my car…but I still sing and I still have some faith in myself because of that one sentence; because someone believed in me. He’s the reasonΒ I still learn new songs on my guitar. They may be simple, sure, but they’re something I believe in and something that reminds of that day.

Maybe some timeΒ I will sing outside of my bedroom or outside of my car, that’s up to me. The point is, someone believed in me and that is why that one sentence has yet to be forgotten.

Now I have to believe in myself…and that is a whole other battle.