Sometimes I wish we were something that could work. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so confused every time I see you. Sometimes I wish that when we hang out, we could just be friends. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so torn between what we are and what we could be. Sometimes I wish that when you’re holding me, you won’t let me go. Maybe then I’ll always feel safe, always feel loved.

Sometimes I wish you weren’t so good to me. Maybe then I wouldn’t regret saying no to staying over. Sometimes I wish you weren’t there for me that night. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared to be without you. Sometimes I wish that you wouldn’t hold me at all, because sometimes I feel more afraid than comforted. Sometimes I wish you weren’t such a genuine, kind – hearted man who reminds me that I don’t have to feel self conscious about anything. Maybe then I wouldn’t still be attached to you.

Sometimes I wish you hated me. Maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking about any of this. Sometimes I wish you saw my values through different eyes. Maybe then I’d think we had a shot. Sometimes I wish you treasured the things that I do. Maybe then I’d say “one more try”. Sometimes I wish you didn’t still have a piece of my heart. Maybe then I could let you go.

But all of the time, all of the time I grateful to have you. I am grateful that you exist and that you exist in my life. All of the time I am happy that you are someone I get to call my friend, even if our definition of “friend” is a little bit loose, a little bit different from the norm. All of the time I can say that I am better to know you than to have never met you, because I was in danger before you. All of the time I am grateful for our failed attempts, for our joyful moments, and for everything in between. These moments, these periods in time, are what have kept you in my life this long. They are what made our friendship what it is today. With our without those blurred lines, I hope with all of my heart that you will always be a part of my life.

I don’t know what I would do if I never got to yell at television with you again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never heard your sarcastic comments again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never got to engage in our stupid, witty banter ever again. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my favorite loser. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.


My confusion regarding death: Blogmas Day 7


So, let’s just skip the small talk and get right into what is on my mind today shall we? Great.

I have just recently felt an overwhelming amount of sudden sadness due to the thought of death. I have never been someone who is “afraid” of death of “scared of dying”. I’m also not a very religious person so I can’t sit here and tell you that God has my back and I know what happens after we die because, obviously, I’m not dead so I don’t know!

I started thinking about the fact that when I die, I will most likely never see my family again. I’ll never see my friends. I’ll never hug my mom. I’ll never hug my dad. I’ll never attempt to hug (I say attempt because he is NOT a hugger) my brother. I’ll never kiss the person I end up marrying. I’ll never laugh at my dad’s awful sense of humor that for some reason I totally understand. I’ll never have heart to hearts with my best friends. I’ll never laugh so hard my stomach hurts. I’ll never ever see these people that I have connections with again.

So, what is the purpose of this? Why are we born to live, to make connections, to find love, to make memories, only to die and have it all vanish. I mean I get the whole “well you’ll be dead so it’s not like you’ll know”, but I’ll know leading up to it. I don’t understand the point right now. I don’t get it. There is no point to life, to making money, to having kids, to finding “the love of your life”, to having a family, to loving your family, there is no point if we’re all going to die and have it ripped away.

Who decided that this is how it should be? Evolution? God? Extra Terrestrials? A random act of some bullshit theory? I don’t get it. I am lost and it makes me so sad to think that I am here to live and die, but I am also supposed to make connections, to be happy, to live a long life filled with joy and happy memories. Why? Why in hell would I want to do any of that if I’m just going to die?

Does anyone else see what I’m saying?

I don’t want to find my other half


Hello my little blogging world! Today I feel inclined to write about the fact that I have no desire to find my other half. No, I’m not a heart broken 20 something who has given up on love. Nor am I a fragile, broken, woman who just wants to find herself first. Not that there’s really anything wrong with either of those, we all go through those stages at some point in life, but those aren’t my reasons for my lack of interest in this subject.

I don’t want to find my other half. Reason being, because I do not believe that person exists. I do not believe that there is a Yin to my Yang, or a moon to my stars or whatever cheesy saying you personally enjoy. I used to believe that. I used to believe there was someone out there who would “complete me”. Someone out there who would be my opposite and give me what I don’t have, just as I would do for them. I used to believe that I was looking for a missing puzzle piece, you know? Someone who fits me just right, but that’s not what I believe anymore.

I have no desire to find that missing piece, that other half, because I don’t think I am half of something. I am a whole person. I do not see myself as being incomplete without another person beside me. I am one being, with personality traits and quirks that are unique to me, that make me who I am. I am an individual. I am one whole person, not half of a unit. I do not need someone to feel whole. I do not “need” someone else at all. I can survive, thrive even, on my own. I am not looking for someone to complete me. I am not interested in finding someone who makes me feel whole because I shouldn’t need someone to make me feel that way. I should feel that way flying solo.

I am looking for someone who makes me happy. It’s really that simple. I am interested in finding someone who makes me happier when we’re together, but not upset when we’re apart. A person who allows me to be an individual, to be independent, but who I prefer to have around because of how they make me feel and how we are when we’re together. I don’t want someone who is looking for their other half, because I am not that. I do not complete you. I am an addition to your life. We are two whole’s that work best together. I want to be able to be alone, to not “need” that person, but to also know that we’re good together and I am at my best and my happiest when they are around.

I am not looking for my other half, I’m looking for someone who I can survive without, but that I don’t ever want to.

Good Men do Exist, I Promise


There’s this guy. He is something so special and so rare. Something so sensible and pure. He took the girl who was broken when he found her and he supported her while she found all the missing pieces and super glued herself back together.  He is a truly good man.

I pushed him so far, so many times, and break up after break up, he remains here for me. He remains standing beside me in whatever role I need him to play. He is supportive and encouraging. He doesn’t always understand, but he tries  to. He makes me laugh when that is the last thing I feel like I could do. He puts a smile on my face without even trying simply because of who he is. He chooses to be a part of my life. He repeatedly chooses to stay when I give him so many chances to run.

He respects me and he understands that I have a hard time with certain things, like sex. I have a very hard time with sex sometimes. Tonight, I had a hard time with it, mainly because we were on a time limit and that messed with my anxiety, but still. He told me, “it’s not about the sex, it’s about getting to spend time with you” and then he kissed me. That is not the first time he has said that to me, it’s just the first time that I truly believed him. He doesn’t have expectations of me. He has always just wanted me around. He likes having me there. He likes me for who I am, even if I don’t even really know who that is yet.

He is so pure. So good. So kind and supportive. I am so grateful that he is a part of my life even if we’re on a sliding scale between friends and lovers. I don’t mind because he’s here. I don’t mind because I am the one in full control of that scale. I decide where we are. I decide what we do, and he is okay with that. He made that decision. Are there things I don’t love about him, of course, #human, but he is this amazing guy that I am so lucky to have in my life and I felt like I needed to share just a little bit about him. I wanted to let someone, anyone, know that there are good people out there. There are people who will truly love and care for you, you just have to let yourself find them and let yourself be raw with them.

Some Random Thoughts


When am I going to think I’m enough?

He is so good to me, but I push and pull him out of fear and desire.

I still wonder sometimes if I should even be here.

And that makes me sad, because I wasn’t always this way.

When am I going to be able to trust again? The problem isn’t him, the problem is me. And that’s honesty, not self hate.

When am I going to like who I am? Genuinely and purely love myself without fear.

Am I going to be able to explain myself better?

Do I have any purpose or am I taking up space?

When is sex not going to be this task to overcome…why the hell is this even a question, oh right, because you happened.

When am I going to stop wondering if my own boyfriend actually likes me…

hold on, let me rephrase that,

When am I  going to  stop having anxiety? That makes more sense…

no question I have about my relationship is a genuine one, they’re all anxiety based, a result of my past.

When is that going to stop?

When is my head going to stop spinning?

When am I going to stop crying and wondering and hating…

When the hell do I get to be happy again?

And don’t tell me “whenever you want to be”, because that’s ignorant. I would know, I used to say it all of the time.

I don’t want to tell you when I’m not okay because I’m terrified that it’ll be the last time I get to talk to you at all.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to be scared anymore.


Love vs Jealousy


Q: Would you still feel loved if your lover never felt jealous?

A: Yes. I would absolutely still feel loved. I don’t believe love is based solely on attraction, it is a combination of personality traits, goals, morals, aspirations, lifestyles, physical traits, etc. It’s this big mesh. I have no interest in making my lover jealous. I think it’s sweet if my partner is to express some jealousy, but I don’t seek it and it does not determine whether or not I consider myself loved.