Some Random Thoughts

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When am I going to think I’m enough?

He is so good to me, but I push and pull him out of fear and desire.

I still wonder sometimes if I should even be here.

And that makes me sad, because I wasn’t always this way.

When am I going to be able to trust again? The problem isn’t him, the problem is me. And that’s honesty, not self hate.

When am I going to like who I am? Genuinely and purely love myself without fear.

Am I going to be able to explain myself better?

Do I have any purpose or am I taking up space?

When is sex not going to be this task to overcome…why the hell is this even a question, oh right, because you happened.

When am I going to stop wondering if my own boyfriend actually likes me…

hold on, let me rephrase that,

When am I  going to  stop having anxiety? That makes more sense…

no question I have about my relationship is a genuine one, they’re all anxiety based, a result of my past.

When is that going to stop?

When is my head going to stop spinning?

When am I going to stop crying and wondering and hating…

When the hell do I get to be happy again?

And don’t tell me “whenever you want to be”, because that’s ignorant. I would know, I used to say it all of the time.

I don’t want to tell you when I’m not okay because I’m terrified that it’ll be the last time I get to talk to you at all.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to be scared anymore.

 

Love vs Jealousy

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Q: Would you still feel loved if your lover never felt jealous?

A: Yes. I would absolutely still feel loved. I don’t believe love is based solely on attraction, it is a combination of personality traits, goals, morals, aspirations, lifestyles, physical traits, etc. It’s this big mesh. I have no interest in making my lover jealous. I think it’s sweet if my partner is to express some jealousy, but I don’t seek it and it does not determine whether or not I consider myself loved.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 5

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-List 5 ways to win your heart

  1. Surprise me
  2. Don’t be afraid to be a nerd and talk about aliens with me
  3. Be kind and caring towards both humans and animals
  4. Make fun of whatever is on TV with me
  5. Be goal oriented and have a plan for those goals
  6. Bonus because why not, be interested in learning about me, past, present, and future and actually pay attention to what I’m telling you.
  7. Another bonus… remember the little things like my favorite flavor of cake, my favorite flower, little blurbs I once told you, how I like my coffee, etc.