Someone Will See

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Maybe if I overdose, someone will see me.

Someone will realize that I wasn’t just trying to make friends.

Someone will see that I was asking for help.

Someone will see that I’m still broken and help me fix all of this.

Someone will see that I just want some more people in my life so that I feel like I have people there who care about me. I don’t just want some more friends, I need them.

Someone will see that when I say I haven’t been sleeping well, I don’t just mean I’m not tired.

Someone will see that my eyes aren’t just watering from allergies.

Maybe someone will help me.

Or maybe they’ll just see that I’m crazy and be grateful they dodged a bullet.

 

 

To My Two Favorite Boys

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Not that either of you are going to read this,

but I have something to say anyway.

I want you both to know that you are so kind to me and I am very appreciative of that.

I take notice to both of you because of that.

I would love to get to know the two of you as people and not just asΒ the two guys who work at the front desk and tell me I have a pretty smile.

I hope you’ll let me into your lives, but as you probably know by now,

I will not talk to you first.

I will not initiate conversation, but please don’t take that as a lack of interest.

I have social anxiety and it prevents me from doing those things,

but I promise I’m worth getting to know as a person, as a friend,

I’m worth having in your life.

So to my two favorite boys,

thank you and I hope you both let me know you.

 

I am not off limits…

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I am not off limits,

not as a person.

I will let new people in.

I will tell them my secrets should they ask about them.

I will hangout and get to know them.

I want to do that.

I also want them to want to do that, just for the purpose of making a new friend,

not hoping it’ll turn into more,

because I don’t want more.

I don’t even want that on my radar.

I’ll go out on coffee dates, I’ll hangout and relax, I just don’t want a relationship.

But I am not off limits,

not as a person,

just as a partner.

If that can be enough for you,

then you are welcome to be in my life.

 

 

11:02pm A Message.

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I don’t want anybody right now.

Don’t wait for me to be ready.

Don’t try to push your way in,

because I will not let you.

If you try to push your way into my life, I will immediately cut you out of it.

If you want to like me, go ahead,

but don’t wait for me, don’t tell people I’ll be in your future,

because odds are I won’t.

This message is not written out of a place of fear or a place of anxiety.

This message is written from a place of strength and sincerity.

So please, do not take this lightly.

Do not take this as aΒ sign that I am just shy,

because that is not the case.

No, I have been beaten down and I am just now learning how to stand back up,

And if you try to stand in the way of that,

youΒ will regret it.

Why?

Because I am an incredible friend.

I am someone you want in your life,

but I am not someone who needs you in mine.

 

*be my friend, let that be enough

 

10:45pm

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I find it hard to believe that someone could ever want me.

Not sexually, I already know there are people who want that, but me as a person.

Me, not just because they want sex, but because they want ME.

None of my exes ever really wanted me.

They thought they did, and then they got to know me and it all changed.

So I now find it very hard to believe that someone could want me.

Not just sex, but me as a person.