Sometimes I wish we were something that could work. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so confused every time I see you. Sometimes I wish that when we hang out, we could just be friends. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so torn between what we are and what we could be. Sometimes I wish that when you’re holding me, you won’t let me go. Maybe then I’ll always feel safe, always feel loved.

Sometimes I wish you weren’t so good to me. Maybe then I wouldn’t regret saying no to staying over. Sometimes I wish you weren’t there for me that night. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared to be without you. Sometimes I wish that you wouldn’t hold me at all, because sometimes I feel more afraid than comforted. Sometimes I wish you weren’t such a genuine, kind – hearted man who reminds me that I don’t have to feel self conscious about anything. Maybe then I wouldn’t still be attached to you.

Sometimes I wish you hated me. Maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking about any of this. Sometimes I wish you saw my values through different eyes. Maybe then I’d think we had a shot. Sometimes I wish you treasured the things that I do. Maybe then I’d say “one more try”. Sometimes I wish you didn’t still have a piece of my heart. Maybe then I could let you go.

But all of the time, all of the time I grateful to have you. I am grateful that you exist and that you exist in my life. All of the time I am happy that you are someone I get to call my friend, even if our definition of “friend” is a little bit loose, a little bit different from the norm. All of the time I can say that I am better to know you than to have never met you, because I was in danger before you. All of the time I am grateful for our failed attempts, for our joyful moments, and for everything in between. These moments, these periods in time, are what have kept you in my life this long. They are what made our friendship what it is today. With our without those blurred lines, I hope with all of my heart that you will always be a part of my life.

I don’t know what I would do if I never got to yell at television with you again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never heard your sarcastic comments again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never got to engage in our stupid, witty banter ever again. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my favorite loser. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.


Good Men do Exist, I Promise


There’s this guy. He is something so special and so rare. Something so sensible and pure. He took the girl who was broken when he found her and he supported her while she found all the missing pieces and super glued herself back together.  He is a truly good man.

I pushed him so far, so many times, and break up after break up, he remains here for me. He remains standing beside me in whatever role I need him to play. He is supportive and encouraging. He doesn’t always understand, but he tries  to. He makes me laugh when that is the last thing I feel like I could do. He puts a smile on my face without even trying simply because of who he is. He chooses to be a part of my life. He repeatedly chooses to stay when I give him so many chances to run.

He respects me and he understands that I have a hard time with certain things, like sex. I have a very hard time with sex sometimes. Tonight, I had a hard time with it, mainly because we were on a time limit and that messed with my anxiety, but still. He told me, “it’s not about the sex, it’s about getting to spend time with you” and then he kissed me. That is not the first time he has said that to me, it’s just the first time that I truly believed him. He doesn’t have expectations of me. He has always just wanted me around. He likes having me there. He likes me for who I am, even if I don’t even really know who that is yet.

He is so pure. So good. So kind and supportive. I am so grateful that he is a part of my life even if we’re on a sliding scale between friends and lovers. I don’t mind because he’s here. I don’t mind because I am the one in full control of that scale. I decide where we are. I decide what we do, and he is okay with that. He made that decision. Are there things I don’t love about him, of course, #human, but he is this amazing guy that I am so lucky to have in my life and I felt like I needed to share just a little bit about him. I wanted to let someone, anyone, know that there are good people out there. There are people who will truly love and care for you, you just have to let yourself find them and let yourself be raw with them.

I was raped, where the hell were you?


I was raped!

Repeatedly, raped.

Remember Rob?

Yeah that relationship worked out real well for me!

I was raped

and you weren’t there!

You bailed. When I needed you, you bailed because you thought I said something I didn’t.

You didn’t even value our friendship enough to try to talk to me about it and fix it!

You just left.

You lied to me and you left.

I needed you and you weren’t there!

I went through something and when I was just about ready to talk about it, I didn’t have that option because nobody was there!

I was alone.

I was facing something alone.

I was running from something, terrified, and I was doing it alone.

Because you weren’t there.

I was raped,

where the hell were you?


*a message to an ex friend

I’m Just Looking for a Friend


It is so hard for me to make friends.

It’s even harder when I know the person or people think there’s a hidden agenda in why I’m talking to them.

There is not.

Just because I think you’re attractive, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you romantically.

I’m just looking for a friend.

There is no hidden agenda with me. If I want something, I’ll tell you.

All you have to do is talk to me, be forward, ask me and I’ll tell you where I stand.

But don’t assume that I’m after something simply because I’ve messaged you a few times.

I’m not “taking the hint” because there’s no hint to take.

I’m asking for a friend, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just someone I can talk to and get to know who is kind to me and understanding of me.

Someone to hangout with when I’m bored or lonely. Someone to go on coffee runs with me because lord knows I like my coffee. Call them “dates”, call them “hangouts”, whatever, I’m not out scouting my next relationship, just some new people to bring into my life. Where those encounters lead isn’t up to me.

All you have to do is talk to me and you’ll find all of this out,

I just hope you don’t make assumptions and push me away before you’ve even given me the chance to be let in.

I’m just looking for a friend, which is hard for me to do,

so instead of waiting for me to take the hint,

tell me where you stand, I’ll tell you where I stand, and we can go from there.

I am not off limits…


I am not off limits,

not as a person.

I will let new people in.

I will tell them my secrets should they ask about them.

I will hangout and get to know them.

I want to do that.

I also want them to want to do that, just for the purpose of making a new friend,

not hoping it’ll turn into more,

because I don’t want more.

I don’t even want that on my radar.

I’ll go out on coffee dates, I’ll hangout and relax, I just don’t want a relationship.

But I am not off limits,

not as a person,

just as a partner.

If that can be enough for you,

then you are welcome to be in my life.