This Is What I Am

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I have a habit of identifying solely with the mental disorders that I have, as well as what has happened to me in the past. I essentially introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Lauren and I have an anxiety disorder, a history with depression, and I am an abuse victim and previous self harmer”. I put those things first, and then include my good things. It should be the other way around.

I do this because those things are all I have known for a very long time. I don’t necessarily know what else I am. I feel like a hazard, like a complicated person so I give people a heads up, but that is not fair to me.

So I’m going to make a list, I don’t know how long, of all the things that I am. Well, at least all of the things I can think of at this point in time because this is something that I struggle with and am currently working on.

  • I am a survivor, first and foremost.
  • I am loyal to my family, my friends, and anyone else who happens to make their way into my life.
  • I am giving to those who need it, and even those who don’t.
  • I am a writer of many sorts, but my natural ability is in lyrics/poems and academic work.
  • I am an artist, whether I believe that all of the time or not.
  • I am intuitive, which likely stems from my love¬†of psychology.
  • I am kind to all living things.
  • I have a heart the size of Jupiter.
  • I have an eye for nature photography.
  • I am smart and I¬†enjoy learning about health and wellness.
  • I love to sing, although I do not feel I am good at it.
  • I am dedicated.
  • I love kids.
  • I love music of all kinds, but I am definitely a rock and roll girl above all.
  • I am passionate and romantic, but not in the stereotypical sense.
  • I like being different, but I hate being the center of attention if I am not in control of it…I’m a little bit of a control freak actually.

So that’s what I have right now.

But as I’m writing this, I was just told by one of my closest friends that I need to stop trying to identify with things and just “be Lauren”. Drop the rest and just be me and people will form their own opinions.

I do like his advice and his take, but that is difficult for me and that is something I have always struggled with. I label myself, I always have, I don’t really know how just say, “Hi, I’m Lauren”. There’s always more and it’s always, “I’m hard to handle, and I have quite a rough past” while also saying, “but I’m totally cool and worth having around”. I’m never just me because I have never done that. I’m human, we identify with things because that makes us who we are, but maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it.

 

Someone Will See

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Maybe if I overdose, someone will see me.

Someone will realize that I wasn’t just trying to make friends.

Someone will see that I was asking for help.

Someone will see that I’m still broken and help me fix all of this.

Someone will see that I just want some more people in my life so that I feel like I have people there who care about me. I don’t just want some more friends, I need them.

Someone will see that when I say I haven’t been sleeping well, I don’t just mean I’m not tired.

Someone will see that my eyes aren’t just watering from allergies.

Maybe someone will help me.

Or maybe they’ll just see that I’m crazy and be grateful they dodged a bullet.

 

 

I Just Want to Impress People

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Do you ever want to do something just for the sake of proving to people that you can do it? I’m genuinely asking anyone who reads this post to reply down in the comments section or to email me personally.

I don’t just mean peer pressure or a challenge; What I’m referring to is coming back from something hard, still being in a rough place, and just wanting to prove to people that you’re not who you used to be.

I constantly think about going to medical school solely for the purpose of getting a medical degree so I can be someone worth being proud of; so I can say to people, “hey look what I did, I told you I’m better, I told you I was changed, I told you I could do it”. I have no interest in being¬†a doctor though, I hate biology so there’s that problem, but being a doctor is huge. It takes hard work and dedication and I just want to be something someone can be proud of. I want to be able to say I did something amazing, something shocking, something nobody thought I could do.

That isn’t fair though, not to me. I want to get a masters degree, again solely for the purpose of being able to say, “look. I did this. Me.”, but that’s not fair. That’s not right. I’d be doing it for them, not for me. I don’t think a bachelors degree is impressive enough. I don’t think anyone will really care or be shocked if I get that.

If I were to go into music or songwriting or YouTube/video production, nobody would be thrilled. They’d all be worried that I’m going to bottom out. That it’s not a career. If I were to major in health and wellness, work in a center or a psychiatric ward, I don’t think anyone would be impressed with me. I wouldn’t feel like I’ve done anything good other than put myself in debt…yeah that’s something I’m a pro at.

Like…none of this is because of my parents or anything. My parents are incredibly supportive people, but I personally don’t ever feel like I’m enough. Does that make sense? It’s not because I haven’t been told I’m enough, because I have. I get told people are proud of me regularly, but I just want to impress them, shock them, do something and become something they didn’t think I would, but that’s for them, not me.¬† Is that making sense at all?

So does anyone else understand what I’m saying and do you feel the same way? Let me know, please.

Some Random Thoughts

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When am I going to think I’m enough?

He is so good to me, but I push and pull him out of fear and desire.

I still wonder sometimes if I should even be here.

And that makes me sad, because I wasn’t always this way.

When am I going to be able to trust again? The problem isn’t him, the problem is me. And that’s honesty, not self hate.

When am I going to like who I am? Genuinely and purely love myself without fear.

Am I going to be able to explain myself better?

Do I have any purpose or am I taking up space?

When is sex not going to be this task to overcome…why the hell is this even a question, oh right, because you happened.

When am I going to stop wondering if my own boyfriend actually likes me…

hold on, let me rephrase that,

When am I¬† going to¬† stop having anxiety? That makes more sense…

no question I have about my relationship is a genuine one, they’re all anxiety based, a result of my past.

When is that going to stop?

When is my head going to stop spinning?

When am I going to stop crying and wondering and hating…

When the hell do I get to be happy again?

And don’t tell me “whenever you want to be”, because that’s ignorant. I would know, I used to say it all of the time.

I don’t want to tell you when I’m not okay because I’m terrified that it’ll be the last time I get to talk to you at all.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to be scared anymore.

 

Today I Was…

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Discharged.

Today, November 29, 2016 at 11am I was discharged from outpatient treatment therapy. Today, I am no longer depressed, I am no longer a suicide risk, I am able to think cognitively and mindfully, and today I have been discharged from treatment.

Four months ago on July 24th, 2016 I began seeing a new psychologist. You see, I had been seeing a talk therapist for a good…3 and a half years, and she helped me so much. I am so grateful for her, but a lot happened in that time. A lot that I never spoke about. She became someone I paid to sit and chat with, which is actually what I needed sometimes. She was great at first, but I became dependent and I became stuck.

So, on July 24th, 2016 I began seeing a new psychologist and she changed my entire life. Well, I changed my entire life, but she is a part of the reason why. Without her, I would not have faced the facts of my abusive relationship. Without her, I would not have learned how to cognitively approach my thoughts. Without her, I would not have learned how to properly cope with situations in life. Without her, I would not have learned how the brain actually works in terms of my personal addictions. Without her, I would not know how to face my social anxiety. Without her, I wouldn’t understand this cycle, all of these cycles, that I was in and why and how to face them. Without her, I would not now know how to handle the urges to self harm or purge or restrict or overanalyze and ask for reassurance where it is not needed. Without her, I would not know how to turn away from the thoughts of suicide. Without her, I would not have figured out how strong I actually am and how happy I can actually be.

But without me, without my determination, without my need to face these things even when I made mistakes and even when I was crying and scared and alone, without me I would not be where I am today. I will not share my numbers with you all, because I feel that is my personal information and my personal details, but I will say this. In just four months, 16 weeks, I went from severely depressed/suicidal to not depressed at all. In 16 weeks, 112 days, I went from a complete inability to think cognitively and mindfully to that being my automatic brain response to most situations. In 112 days, 2,688 hours, I went from being in my room nearly all day/everyday and being terrified of anything social what so ever to going to three social events in the last two weeks of treatment and getting a full time job in a position where I am constantly interacting with people. In 2,688 hours, 161,280 minutes, I went from having a 36% quality of life to a 68% and quickly rising. Those are numbers I do not mind sharing as they are vague.

In such a short amount of time, I changed my life. There is more I’d like to do and more I’d like to improve upon, but that no longer requires¬†assistance from a psychologist. I know what needs to be done, now I just have to do it like I’ve been doing it for the past four months, 16 weeks, 112 days, 2,688 hours, and 161,280 minutes.

Today I have been discharged. Today I have never been happier. Today I have never been prouder. Today, today I am free.

*Today I am almost 5 months clean of self harm. (7/3/16)

*Today I am 6 months clean of purging (5/29/16)