I’m Just Looking for a Friend

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It is so hard for me to make friends.

It’s even harder when I know the person or people think there’s a hidden agenda in why I’m talking to them.

There is not.

Just because I think you’re attractive, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you romantically.

I’m just looking for a friend.

There is no hidden agenda with me. If I want something, I’ll tell you.

All you have to do is talk to me, be forward, ask me and I’ll tell you where I stand.

But don’t assume that I’m after something simply because I’ve messaged you a few times.

I’m not “taking the hint” because there’s no hint to take.

I’m asking for a friend, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just someone I can talk to and get to know who is kind to me and understanding of me.

Someone to hangout with when I’m bored or lonely. Someone to go on coffee runs with me because lord knows I like my coffee. Call them “dates”, call them “hangouts”, whatever, I’m not out scouting my next relationship, just some new people to bring into my life. Where those encounters lead isn’t up to me.

All you have to do is talk to me and you’ll find all of this out,

I just hope you don’t make assumptions and push me away before you’ve even given me the chance to be let in.

I’m just looking for a friend, which is hard for me to do,

so instead of waiting for me to take the hint,

tell me where you stand, I’ll tell you where I stand, and we can go from there.

I Just Want to Impress People

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Do you ever want to do something just for the sake of proving to people that you can do it? I’m genuinely asking anyone who reads this post to reply down in the comments section or to email me personally.

I don’t just mean peer pressure or a challenge; What I’m referring to is coming back from something hard, still being in a rough place, and just wanting to prove to people that you’re not who you used to be.

I constantly think about going to medical school solely for the purpose of getting a medical degree so I can be someone worth being proud of; so I can say to people, “hey look what I did, I told you I’m better, I told you I was changed, I told you I could do it”. I have no interest in being a doctor though, I hate biology so there’s that problem, but being a doctor is huge. It takes hard work and dedication and I just want to be something someone can be proud of. I want to be able to say I did something amazing, something shocking, something nobody thought I could do.

That isn’t fair though, not to me. I want to get a masters degree, again solely for the purpose of being able to say, “look. I did this. Me.”, but that’s not fair. That’s not right. I’d be doing it for them, not for me. I don’t think a bachelors degree is impressive enough. I don’t think anyone will really care or be shocked if I get that.

If I were to go into music or songwriting or YouTube/video production, nobody would be thrilled. They’d all be worried that I’m going to bottom out. That it’s not a career. If I were to major in health and wellness, work in a center or a psychiatric ward, I don’t think anyone would be impressed with me. I wouldn’t feel like I’ve done anything good other than put myself in debt…yeah that’s something I’m a pro at.

Like…none of this is because of my parents or anything. My parents are incredibly supportive people, but I personally don’t ever feel like I’m enough. Does that make sense? It’s not because I haven’t been told I’m enough, because I have. I get told people are proud of me regularly, but I just want to impress them, shock them, do something and become something they didn’t think I would, but that’s for them, not me.  Is that making sense at all?

So does anyone else understand what I’m saying and do you feel the same way? Let me know, please.

I Answer 10 Personal Questions About Myself. A 5 Part Series.

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*Questions written  by Nicole Tarkoff*

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

– The one thing that comes to mind is something that needs it’s own post. I’m a victim or sexual abuse/sexual indecency/rape, and facing that that has absolutely made me a stronger person.

2. What’s one thing that has happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

– Being punched by someone I called a friend in 9th grade, in the middle of studyhall, just because she wanted to. I sat there and she punched my arm 7 times. Nobody did anything. So not only did I feel weak, I felt alone.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

– In a flower garden taking macro photography shots of the bees and flowers.

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

– My bathroom. No idea why.

5. What do you think has had the largest influence on who you are today?

– Genetics and environmental stimuli. I’m a very anxious, shy, self conscious girl and that is primarily the result of genetics and the way I grew up.

6. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

– To not be so insecure.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

– Tell my current boyfriend that I love him because I think he deserves to know that if I’m going to die in 24 hours anyway!

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

– I get told I should have been born in the 70’s all of the time because I’m into loud patterns on clothing and baggy pants…

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

– I do not come from a tight knit family…but I’d say I’m closest to my mom because she is the person I tell things like breakups to first, even if I don’t actually want to talk about them. She is who I spend the most time with and who I feel the most relaxed with.

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

– People have always come and gone in my life, so it’s really difficult to choose a single person who knows me “best”, other than myself. Because of course, I know me best.

 

 

A Year of Blogging: Day 28

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Q: If the day before you were to fly home from a holiday in Jamaica, a fortune teller warned you about an exploding plane, would you alter your travel plans?

A: If her prediction was specific or detailed enough to worry me, and I had the time/money to change my departure, yes I absolutely would. I have anxiety, so statements like that get in my head. So if waiting an extra day to depart is what I need to do to keep my anxiety at bay, then that’s what I’m gonna do!

If the prediction was more bogus, like “a plane is going to explode today”, I’d be less concerned because that statement is not as anxiety inducing since a plane could explode today, that’s 100% true. Things go wrong and happen. If I couldn’t afford to postpone my flight, well then I’d just have to suck it up and hope for the best!

Question of the Day

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Q: Do you think people see you as you really are? If not, how might you better show your true self?

A: I do not think people see me as I really am, well, strangers at least. I am a very shy and fairly socially awkward person. When I’m in a public space or I’m meeting someone new, I overcompensate for my anxiety fear by being over confident, which comes across as stuck up. Sometimes though, the pendulum swings the other way and I get quiet, silent, and internalize everything. So strangers definitely don’t see me as I really am.

Now my friends,  that’s getting a lot better. Again, because I have anxiety, I never really let myself be who I am because I was afraid of being judged by others. I do think the people closest to me know the general concept of who I really am, I just need to work on being okay with the details even if they differ from someone else’s personal details.

In order to improve and allow people to see me for me, I need work on over coming my anxiety, which I am doing every single day. I need to pay more attention to my responses to questions. Instead of spitting out the answer I know they want to hear, I need to pause, and tell them the answer that I actually believe, regardless of what they may think of it. Basically, I need to just do it anyway.

A Year of Blogging: Day 23

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Q: Do you like to hear about the details of your partner’s daily activities? Do you enjoy telling people about what happens to you during the day?

A: Yes I definitely enjoy both! I love to hear about my partner’s day and I love even more then the information is offered up voluntarily, without my asking. It shows me that he wants me to know these little things that may not make a difference in the overall relationship, but they make a difference here and now. I want my partner to be able to share all the little details (well okay maybe not all, I don’t need to know what kind of sandwich you ate for lunch…unless it was just THAT good) about their day with me. I’d also want to do the same. I enjoy doing that. It makes me feel like someone cares and wants to hear about how my day went. The good, the bad, the silly, even the pointless. I want to know and I want to share, absolutely.

A Year of Blogging: Day 21

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Q: When you say things you don’t mean, are you generally trying to protect yourself or someone else?

A: I’m reading this question like, yourself OR someone else, not a combined version.

Personally, I do both. 9/10 times I am trying to protect myself because I have been through a lot and put myself through a lot, so I am very defensive over certain topics. I try not to say things that are untrue or unjustifiable or even just an exaggerated version of the truth, because that accomplishes nothing. If I do say things I either don’t mean or don’t 100% know, it’s to defend myself from being hurt or feeing attacked or judged. Sometimes I’ll even defend myself so that I don’t feel stupid if I’m wrong, but it’s okay to be wrong and that is something I’m working on.

As far as defending other people, that highly depends on the surrounding conversation. If the topic is serious or very personal to that person, I am likely to defend them if they aren’t there to defend themselves, again, something I am trying to stop doing. It’s not my battle to fight.