Every Christmas eve I got to my friends houses and gift exchange. This year I went to my one friend Tyler’s the bad before Christmas eve, but that’s fine. Tonight I went to Ashley’s and Amber’s to gift exchange with them. I had a great time, not because I got gifts, but because Ashley’s family is my family and I have never left that house without a smile on my face. Amber’s family is also my family and all of her kiddos are my nieces and nephews so I love giving them their presents and seeing their faces light up when I walk through the door. They always make me feel so grateful and joyful to have the life I do.
I grew up waking up on Christmas morning every year to a multitude of gifts under the Christmas tree. No I did not come from a rich household, my parents just worked hard and spent more than they had in order to give me and my brother the best Christmas ever. I am so grateful for that, I truly am. Christmas was always special in my house, even if as a child, it was somewhat about the presents.
As I get older, I seem to find myself struggling between that desire to get a gift for Christmas and realizing that I really do not need a gift from someone to know their love and to know that they see and understand me. I am that family oriented person who truly does believe Christmas is purely about being surrounded by the people you love, who love you, and enjoying the day together however you see fit. However, seeing as I grew up with the normative ways of gift exchanging, I also crave that act of getting a gift and being surprised by it and falling in love with it. As materialistic as that sounds, an adjective that I am most certainly not, it’s something I am struggling with.
Am I a terrible person for wanting gifts on Christmas? Admittedly I do enjoy giving more than getting, I have since I was a little kid. I was the girl who made sure her parents opened her gifts from her when she was watching so she could see their reactions and excitement. I’m the girl who thinks way too hard about Christmas shopping because I want to see the joy in the eyes of my friends and family. I love giving because it makes other people smile, it lightens a mood and can give hope to someone desperately in need of it.
That being said, I’m also the girl who liked getting gifts. I find comfort in knowing that the people I grew up with, the people who raised me, know me. I always liked the norm of gift exchanging with a loved one. It always felt so personal and romantic, even though I would be just as happy baking cookies and watching Christmas movies. I get very confused and it’s made even more difficult when I know people who truly don’t like when people by them gifts, for any occasion. It’s not who they are and that makes me feel like a terrible person for wanting things from them on Christmas or my birthday.
Does anyone else feel as confused as I do?
Sometimes you just need your best friend, good music, a tequila and sprite, and a late night. That was me tonight. I desperately needed to forget about my work week, my embarrassing break down, my bad experiences, and just let loose for a couple of hours. I needed to sing some throwbacks, dance way too close to strangers, get groped by a gay guy…well…okay I didn’t need that part but it was definitely comedic, and probably spill my drink more than a couple of times.
I am so happy I agreed to go out tonight. I feel so much more relaxed…but that’s honestly probably the tequila talking. Hopefully this feeling lasts though and I can have an amazing Christmas and hopefully an even more amazing start to my 2018.
Today was a really difficult, complicated, confusing day. A day that I was in no way anticipating. I had a normal morning. I had a therapy appt, it went well, I went to work. I walked into work expecting a normal day, so it was to my surprise that about an hour after I got there I was told that I will be learning more about insurance in order to help out Gabby and take on a more active role in that department. I immediately felt the tears well up.
I tried to do what my psychologist taught me and distract my short term memory by counting something or reading some names on the schedule, but it didn’t work. I went to the bathroom and lightly cried and then returned to the front desk feeling a little bit better. However, I that light cry was apparently just the tip of the iceburg. When the idea was brought up again for further discussion, I got very emotional and started to cry. Up front. One of our higher ups (I’ll call her E), asked if I wanted to go to the back and take a minute so I went with her. What I wasn’t expecting was for two of our therapists to be on lunch in the back so I walked in thinking it would be quiet and alone and it wasn’t. So two therapists saw me crying, which is really unsettling for me and made me feel very embarrassed and ashamed.
After catching my breath and settling down, I realized that for some unknown reason I had brought a sticky note and pencil with me. I decided that I was going to tell E what was going on, but I didn’t want to say it because it would have kept me crying so I wrote it down. I didn’t give very many details, but I did say I am in eating disorder treatment and then I will be starting trauma counseling in mid February, so I was just feeling very overwhelmed and to walk in and find out I’m going to have more put onto my plate and more to think about, it just all kind of hit me. I felt very alone and very discouraged and still quite embarrassed because the two therapists could obviously hear what was going on.
Once I had settled down I was able to go back up front and start learning insurance things just fine. I was never against learning them, I’m scared to, because its a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure, but I wasn’t opposed. I was just in so much shock and felt like I was just drowning in new things and new information and had so much going on that adding to my pile felt like the a ton of bricks just crashing to the floor. I couldn’t handle it.
I still feel so embarrassed, so ashamed and so small because of that event. I did not want anyone outside the two people who already knew, knowing. I especially didn’t want one of the higher ups at work knowing I was struggling. One of my coworkers maybe, like G or C or D I probably would have told because I find them to be very trustworthy and very reassuring, but I really just wanted to handle it. It is inappropriate to fall apart at work, but that’s exactly what I did. I fell apart and I am so humiliated.
I wrote a thing tonight that I wanted to share with you guys and get some opinions on. I don’t know if it’s one piece or two separate pieces that I just put together but shouldn’t be or what…but I hope you enjoy reading it!
You smile at me
You’re gritting your teeth
I’m falling to my knees
I’m looking away
Scared to leave your place
Cause last time I tried
I saw that look in your eyes
And I knew I was trapped,
In this hell where I couldn’t fight back
But I have been here for too long
It’s about time I tell you I’m done
And I say,
Ciao, adios, see you never, here’s a toast
To us being over and done
To this war I’ve finally won.
And I say,
Keep my stuff, I don’t care, turn it into ashes piercing the air
This is my time to celebrate
Say goodbye, I’m walking away
I was raped!
Yeah that relationship worked out real well for me!
I was raped
and you weren’t there!
You bailed. When I needed you, you bailed because you thought I said something I didn’t.
You didn’t even value our friendship enough to try to talk to me about it and fix it!
You just left.
You lied to me and you left.
I needed you and you weren’t there!
I went through something and when I was just about ready to talk about it, I didn’t have that option because nobody was there!
I was alone.
I was facing something alone.
I was running from something, terrified, and I was doing it alone.
Because you weren’t there.
I was raped,
where the hell were you?
*a message to an ex friend
It is so hard for me to make friends.
It’s even harder when I know the person or people think there’s a hidden agenda in why I’m talking to them.
There is not.
Just because I think you’re attractive, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you romantically.
I’m just looking for a friend.
There is no hidden agenda with me. If I want something, I’ll tell you.
All you have to do is talk to me, be forward, ask me and I’ll tell you where I stand.
But don’t assume that I’m after something simply because I’ve messaged you a few times.
I’m not “taking the hint” because there’s no hint to take.
I’m asking for a friend, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just someone I can talk to and get to know who is kind to me and understanding of me.
Someone to hangout with when I’m bored or lonely. Someone to go on coffee runs with me because lord knows I like my coffee. Call them “dates”, call them “hangouts”, whatever, I’m not out scouting my next relationship, just some new people to bring into my life. Where those encounters lead isn’t up to me.
All you have to do is talk to me and you’ll find all of this out,
I just hope you don’t make assumptions and push me away before you’ve even given me the chance to be let in.
I’m just looking for a friend, which is hard for me to do,
so instead of waiting for me to take the hint,
tell me where you stand, I’ll tell you where I stand, and we can go from there.