I’m Just Looking for a Friend

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It is so hard for me to make friends.

It’s even harder when I know the person or people think there’s a hidden agenda in why I’m talking to them.

There is not.

Just because I think you’re attractive, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you romantically.

I’m just looking for a friend.

There is no hidden agenda with me. If I want something, I’ll tell you.

All you have to do is talk to me, be forward, ask me and I’ll tell you where I stand.

But don’t assume that I’m after something simply because I’ve messaged you a few times.

I’m not “taking the hint” because there’s no hint to take.

I’m asking for a friend, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just someone I can talk to and get to know who is kind to me and understanding of me.

Someone to hangout with when I’m bored or lonely. Someone to go on coffee runs with me because lord knows I like my coffee. Call them “dates”, call them “hangouts”, whatever, I’m not out scouting my next relationship, just some new people to bring into my life. Where those encounters lead isn’t up to me.

All you have to do is talk to me and you’ll find all of this out,

I just hope you don’t make assumptions and push me away before you’ve even given me the chance to be let in.

I’m just looking for a friend, which is hard for me to do,

so instead of waiting for me to take the hint,

tell me where you stand, I’ll tell you where I stand, and we can go from there.

To My Two Favorite Boys

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Not that either of you are going to read this,

but I have something to say anyway.

I want you both to know that you are so kind to me and I am very appreciative of that.

I take notice to both of you because of that.

I would love to get to know the two of you as people and not just as the two guys who work at the front desk and tell me I have a pretty smile.

I hope you’ll let me into your lives, but as you probably know by now,

I will not talk to you first.

I will not initiate conversation, but please don’t take that as a lack of interest.

I have social anxiety and it prevents me from doing those things,

but I promise I’m worth getting to know as a person, as a friend,

I’m worth having in your life.

So to my two favorite boys,

thank you and I hope you both let me know you.

 

I’m sorry I come on strong

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I get excited when I meet new people. I want to learn about them.

I come on strong because I’m eager.

Eager to know more. Eager to listen to their stories, their passions. Eager to remember little details about them that make them smile. Eager to make a new friend.

I love making new friends, it may scare the fuck out of me, but I love it at the same time.

You see, I’m not scared of people, exactly.

Like, strangers, they’re not as scary to me.

But if someone I’m starting to know talks to me, I freeze. My mind starts working at a speed of 100 miles/minute. I’m still learning how to control that.

So to some people, I come on strong because my mind is racing and my eagerness is battling that and I just sound like a batshit human running on 10 cups of coffee. So for that I apologize.

You see, again, I’m not scared of people exactly,

I’m scared of what will happen once they know about my anxiety; about my past; about my present.

I come on strong because I am eager.

I am eager to distract people from who I actually am, from who  I have been, from what has happened to me and who I have become because of it.

But underneath all of that, I’m a very gentle, loving, kind person who is just terrified of the world sometimes.

So I’m sorry that I come on strong in the beginning, but if you are someone new and you happen to read this, I promise I’m someone who is worth getting to know.

 

I Just Want to Impress People

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Do you ever want to do something just for the sake of proving to people that you can do it? I’m genuinely asking anyone who reads this post to reply down in the comments section or to email me personally.

I don’t just mean peer pressure or a challenge; What I’m referring to is coming back from something hard, still being in a rough place, and just wanting to prove to people that you’re not who you used to be.

I constantly think about going to medical school solely for the purpose of getting a medical degree so I can be someone worth being proud of; so I can say to people, “hey look what I did, I told you I’m better, I told you I was changed, I told you I could do it”. I have no interest in being a doctor though, I hate biology so there’s that problem, but being a doctor is huge. It takes hard work and dedication and I just want to be something someone can be proud of. I want to be able to say I did something amazing, something shocking, something nobody thought I could do.

That isn’t fair though, not to me. I want to get a masters degree, again solely for the purpose of being able to say, “look. I did this. Me.”, but that’s not fair. That’s not right. I’d be doing it for them, not for me. I don’t think a bachelors degree is impressive enough. I don’t think anyone will really care or be shocked if I get that.

If I were to go into music or songwriting or YouTube/video production, nobody would be thrilled. They’d all be worried that I’m going to bottom out. That it’s not a career. If I were to major in health and wellness, work in a center or a psychiatric ward, I don’t think anyone would be impressed with me. I wouldn’t feel like I’ve done anything good other than put myself in debt…yeah that’s something I’m a pro at.

Like…none of this is because of my parents or anything. My parents are incredibly supportive people, but I personally don’t ever feel like I’m enough. Does that make sense? It’s not because I haven’t been told I’m enough, because I have. I get told people are proud of me regularly, but I just want to impress them, shock them, do something and become something they didn’t think I would, but that’s for them, not me.  Is that making sense at all?

So does anyone else understand what I’m saying and do you feel the same way? Let me know, please.

Some Random Thoughts

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When am I going to think I’m enough?

He is so good to me, but I push and pull him out of fear and desire.

I still wonder sometimes if I should even be here.

And that makes me sad, because I wasn’t always this way.

When am I going to be able to trust again? The problem isn’t him, the problem is me. And that’s honesty, not self hate.

When am I going to like who I am? Genuinely and purely love myself without fear.

Am I going to be able to explain myself better?

Do I have any purpose or am I taking up space?

When is sex not going to be this task to overcome…why the hell is this even a question, oh right, because you happened.

When am I going to stop wondering if my own boyfriend actually likes me…

hold on, let me rephrase that,

When am I  going to  stop having anxiety? That makes more sense…

no question I have about my relationship is a genuine one, they’re all anxiety based, a result of my past.

When is that going to stop?

When is my head going to stop spinning?

When am I going to stop crying and wondering and hating…

When the hell do I get to be happy again?

And don’t tell me “whenever you want to be”, because that’s ignorant. I would know, I used to say it all of the time.

I don’t want to tell you when I’m not okay because I’m terrified that it’ll be the last time I get to talk to you at all.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to be scared anymore.

 

A Year of Blogging: Day 19

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Q: If you were sentenced to a year of solitary confinement with only one of the following, which would you pick: a et, 25 books, 25 songs, or a pen and ample paper? If you chose the books or songs, which ones would you definitely include?

A: This is a tough one…each option has it’s pros and cons. A pet would be great so I would always have company, but like…does the pet get let outside to pee/poop or do I have to deal with that in my room?? Books would be great to pass the time, but there are 52 weeks in a year, and if all I have to do is read, I’ll be powering through those 25 books way before the year is over. I wouldn’t do the 25 songs because that again will get old fast. The pen and paper is a good option since I could just write in all my spare time, but again, I’ll be lonely.

So…I think that if the pet I choose, which would be a cat in this case because they’re not as loud or needy, is taken care of then I would choose that option. At least then I’d have some company during my 365 long days. Pets are comforting and reassuring, they keep social skills up and keep mood stable, all of which are very easy to become out of hand during solitary confinement. So I vote having a cat 🙂

A Year of Blogging: Day 18

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Q. Is it important for you to have a private area in your home that is exclusively yours and never disturbed by others?

A. Yes and no. I do enjoy having a space to call my own (besides my bedroom), but I don’t think it necessarily needs to be untouched by others. I personally relax best in the bathroom during a hot shower or bath, so having a nice bathroom with a deep tub and large separate shower would be my cup of tea. That being said, it’s not like I can claim the bathroom as mine alone, so if other people use it that’s fine. It’ll still be my relaxation space, but it doesn’t have to be mine alone.

Seeing as I’m only 22, I feel that’s a good medium for me. If I were to have my own apartment or home down the line, I would enjoy having a bathroom all to myself so I never have to worry about my things getting lost or used up. I also wouldn’t mind having an office space down the line, but again, I wouldn’t prevent people from going inside. It’s just a matter of boundaries for me.