This Is What I Am

I have a habit of identifying solely with the mental disorders that I have, as well as what has happened to me in the past. I essentially introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Lauren and I have an anxiety disorder, a history with depression, and I am an abuse victim and previous self harmer”. I put those things first, and then include my good things. It should be the other way around.

I do this because those things are all I have known for a very long time. I don’t necessarily know what else I am. I feel like a hazard, like a complicated person so I give people a heads up, but that is not fair to me.

So I’m going to make a list, I don’t know how long, of all the things that I am. Well, at least all of the things I can think of at this point in time because this is something that I struggle with and am currently working on.

• I am a survivor, first and foremost.
• I am loyal to my family, my friends, and anyone else who happens to make their way into my life.
• I am giving to those who need it, and even those who don’t.
• I am a writer of many sorts, but my natural ability is in lyrics/poems and academic work.
• I am an artist, whether I believe that all of the time or not.
• I am intuitive, which likely stems from my love of psychology.
• I am kind to all living things.
• I have a heart the size of Jupiter.
• I have an eye for nature photography.
• I am smart and I enjoy learning about health and wellness.
• I love to sing, although I do not feel I am good at it.
• I am dedicated.
• I love kids.
• I love music of all kinds, but I am definitely a rock and roll girl above all.
• I am passionate and romantic, but not in the stereotypical sense.
• I like being different, but I hate being the center of attention if I am not in control of it…I’m a little bit of a control freak actually.

So that’s what I have right now.

But as I’m writing this, I was just told by one of my closest friends that I need to stop trying to identify with things and just “be Lauren”. Drop the rest and just be me and people will form their own opinions.

I do like his advice and his take, but that is difficult for me and that is something I have always struggled with. I label myself, I always have, I don’t really know how just say, “Hi, I’m Lauren”. There’s always more and it’s always, “I’m hard to handle, and I have quite a rough past” while also saying, “but I’m totally cool and worth having around”. I’m never just me because I have never done that. I’m human, we identify with things because that makes us who we are, but maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it.

 

Someone Will See

Maybe if I overdose, someone will see me.

Someone will realize that I wasn’t just trying to make friends.

Someone will see that I was asking for help.

Someone will see that I’m still broken and help me fix all of this.

Someone will see that I just want some more people in my life so that I feel like I have people there who care about me. I don’t just want some more friends, I need them.

Someone will see that when I say I haven’t been sleeping well, I don’t just mean I’m not tired.

Someone will see that my eyes aren’t just watering from allergies.

Maybe someone will help me.

Or maybe they’ll just see that I’m crazy and be grateful they dodged a bullet.

 

 

Why do I do this?

Realization: I tend to ignore the people I am either most attracted to or most eager to get to know…

I will wave or smile, maybe have a quarter of a conversation with, but overall I hide from them.

Not sure how that helps me any…

I’m Just Looking for a Friend

It is so hard for me to make friends.

It’s even harder when I know the person or people think there’s a hidden agenda in why I’m talking to them.

There is not.

Just because I think you’re attractive, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you romantically.

I’m just looking for a friend.

There is no hidden agenda with me. If I want something, I’ll tell you.

All you have to do is talk to me, be forward, ask me and I’ll tell you where I stand.

But don’t assume that I’m after something simply because I’ve messaged you a few times.

I’m not “taking the hint” because there’s no hint to take.

I’m asking for a friend, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just someone I can talk to and get to know who is kind to me and understanding of me.

Someone to hangout with when I’m bored or lonely. Someone to go on coffee runs with me because lord knows I like my coffee. Call them “dates”, call them “hangouts”, whatever, I’m not out scouting my next relationship, just some new people to bring into my life. Where those encounters lead isn’t up to me.

All you have to do is talk to me and you’ll find all of this out,

I just hope you don’t make assumptions and push me away before you’ve even given me the chance to be let in.

I’m just looking for a friend, which is hard for me to do,

so instead of waiting for me to take the hint,

tell me where you stand, I’ll tell you where I stand, and we can go from there.

10:45pm

I find it hard to believe that someone could ever want me.

Not sexually, I already know there are people who want that, but me as a person.

Me, not just because they want sex, but because they want ME.

None of my exes ever really wanted me.

They thought they did, and then they got to know me and it all changed.

So I now find it very hard to believe that someone could want me.

Not just sex, but me as a person.

I’m sorry I come on strong

I get excited when I meet new people. I want to learn about them.

I come on strong because I’m eager.

Eager to know more. Eager to listen to their stories, their passions. Eager to remember little details about them that make them smile. Eager to make a new friend.

I love making new friends, it may scare the fuck out of me, but I love it at the same time.

You see, I’m not scared of people, exactly.

Like, strangers, they’re not as scary to me.

But if someone I’m starting to know talks to me, I freeze. My mind starts working at a speed of 100 miles/minute. I’m still learning how to control that.

So to some people, I come on strong because my mind is racing and my eagerness is battling that and I just sound like a batshit human running on 10 cups of coffee. So for that I apologize.

You see, again, I’m not scared of people exactly,

I’m scared of what will happen once they know about my anxiety; about my past; about my present.

I come on strong because I am eager.

I am eager to distract people from who I actually am, from who  I have been, from what has happened to me and who I have become because of it.

But underneath all of that, I’m a very gentle, loving, kind person who is just terrified of the world sometimes.

So I’m sorry that I come on strong in the beginning, but if you are someone new and you happen to read this, I promise I’m someone who is worth getting to know.

 

I Just Want to Impress People

Do you ever want to do something just for the sake of proving to people that you can do it? I’m genuinely asking anyone who reads this post to reply down in the comments section or to email me personally.

I don’t just mean peer pressure or a challenge; What I’m referring to is coming back from something hard, still being in a rough place, and just wanting to prove to people that you’re not who you used to be.

I constantly think about going to medical school solely for the purpose of getting a medical degree so I can be someone worth being proud of; so I can say to people, “hey look what I did, I told you I’m better, I told you I was changed, I told you I could do it”. I have no interest in being a doctor though, I hate biology so there’s that problem, but being a doctor is huge. It takes hard work and dedication and I just want to be something someone can be proud of. I want to be able to say I did something amazing, something shocking, something nobody thought I could do.

That isn’t fair though, not to me. I want to get a masters degree, again solely for the purpose of being able to say, “look. I did this. Me.”, but that’s not fair. That’s not right. I’d be doing it for them, not for me. I don’t think a bachelors degree is impressive enough. I don’t think anyone will really care or be shocked if I get that.

If I were to go into music or songwriting or YouTube/video production, nobody would be thrilled. They’d all be worried that I’m going to bottom out. That it’s not a career. If I were to major in health and wellness, work in a center or a psychiatric ward, I don’t think anyone would be impressed with me. I wouldn’t feel like I’ve done anything good other than put myself in debt…yeah that’s something I’m a pro at.

Like…none of this is because of my parents or anything. My parents are incredibly supportive people, but I personally don’t ever feel like I’m enough. Does that make sense? It’s not because I haven’t been told I’m enough, because I have. I get told people are proud of me regularly, but I just want to impress them, shock them, do something and become something they didn’t think I would, but that’s for them, not me.  Is that making sense at all?

So does anyone else understand what I’m saying and do you feel the same way? Let me know, please.