To My Two Favorite Boys

Standard

Not that either of you are going to read this,

but I have something to say anyway.

I want you both to know that you are so kind to me and I am very appreciative of that.

I take notice to both of you because of that.

I would love to get to know the two of you as people and not just as the two guys who work at the front desk and tell me I have a pretty smile.

I hope you’ll let me into your lives, but as you probably know by now,

I will not talk to you first.

I will not initiate conversation, but please don’t take that as a lack of interest.

I have social anxiety and it prevents me from doing those things,

but I promise I’m worth getting to know as a person, as a friend,

I’m worth having in your life.

So to my two favorite boys,

thank you and I hope you both let me know you.

 

I am not off limits…

Standard

I am not off limits,

not as a person.

I will let new people in.

I will tell them my secrets should they ask about them.

I will hangout and get to know them.

I want to do that.

I also want them to want to do that, just for the purpose of making a new friend,

not hoping it’ll turn into more,

because I don’t want more.

I don’t even want that on my radar.

I’ll go out on coffee dates, I’ll hangout and relax, I just don’t want a relationship.

But I am not off limits,

not as a person,

just as a partner.

If that can be enough for you,

then you are welcome to be in my life.

 

 

11:02pm A Message.

Standard

I don’t want anybody right now.

Don’t wait for me to be ready.

Don’t try to push your way in,

because I will not let you.

If you try to push your way into my life, I will immediately cut you out of it.

If you want to like me, go ahead,

but don’t wait for me, don’t tell people I’ll be in your future,

because odds are I won’t.

This message is not written out of a place of fear or a place of anxiety.

This message is written from a place of strength and sincerity.

So please, do not take this lightly.

Do not take this as a sign that I am just shy,

because that is not the case.

No, I have been beaten down and I am just now learning how to stand back up,

And if you try to stand in the way of that,

you will regret it.

Why?

Because I am an incredible friend.

I am someone you want in your life,

but I am not someone who needs you in mine.

 

*be my friend, let that be enough

 

10:45pm

Standard

I find it hard to believe that someone could ever want me.

Not sexually, I already know there are people who want that, but me as a person.

Me, not just because they want sex, but because they want ME.

None of my exes ever really wanted me.

They thought they did, and then they got to know me and it all changed.

So I now find it very hard to believe that someone could want me.

Not just sex, but me as a person.

I’m sorry I come on strong

Standard

I get excited when I meet new people. I want to learn about them.

I come on strong because I’m eager.

Eager to know more. Eager to listen to their stories, their passions. Eager to remember little details about them that make them smile. Eager to make a new friend.

I love making new friends, it may scare the fuck out of me, but I love it at the same time.

You see, I’m not scared of people, exactly.

Like, strangers, they’re not as scary to me.

But if someone I’m starting to know talks to me, I freeze. My mind starts working at a speed of 100 miles/minute. I’m still learning how to control that.

So to some people, I come on strong because my mind is racing and my eagerness is battling that and I just sound like a batshit human running on 10 cups of coffee. So for that I apologize.

You see, again, I’m not scared of people exactly,

I’m scared of what will happen once they know about my anxiety; about my past; about my present.

I come on strong because I am eager.

I am eager to distract people from who I actually am, from who  I have been, from what has happened to me and who I have become because of it.

But underneath all of that, I’m a very gentle, loving, kind person who is just terrified of the world sometimes.

So I’m sorry that I come on strong in the beginning, but if you are someone new and you happen to read this, I promise I’m someone who is worth getting to know.

 

This is what you did to me – song?

Standard

This is what you did to me

Broke me down made me believe,

That everything you said and everything you did was all out of love, was it all in my head?

No, this is what you did to me

Left me crying there into your sheets

And I never said a word, cause what was there to say?

I told you go ahead so am I to blame?

Every time I try to open up my eyes to the facts of the matter I feel like a liar

Cause I don’t want to blame you when it’s easier to blame me

So for now I’ll just stay here and remember what you did to me.

I Just Want to Impress People

Standard

Do you ever want to do something just for the sake of proving to people that you can do it? I’m genuinely asking anyone who reads this post to reply down in the comments section or to email me personally.

I don’t just mean peer pressure or a challenge; What I’m referring to is coming back from something hard, still being in a rough place, and just wanting to prove to people that you’re not who you used to be.

I constantly think about going to medical school solely for the purpose of getting a medical degree so I can be someone worth being proud of; so I can say to people, “hey look what I did, I told you I’m better, I told you I was changed, I told you I could do it”. I have no interest in being a doctor though, I hate biology so there’s that problem, but being a doctor is huge. It takes hard work and dedication and I just want to be something someone can be proud of. I want to be able to say I did something amazing, something shocking, something nobody thought I could do.

That isn’t fair though, not to me. I want to get a masters degree, again solely for the purpose of being able to say, “look. I did this. Me.”, but that’s not fair. That’s not right. I’d be doing it for them, not for me. I don’t think a bachelors degree is impressive enough. I don’t think anyone will really care or be shocked if I get that.

If I were to go into music or songwriting or YouTube/video production, nobody would be thrilled. They’d all be worried that I’m going to bottom out. That it’s not a career. If I were to major in health and wellness, work in a center or a psychiatric ward, I don’t think anyone would be impressed with me. I wouldn’t feel like I’ve done anything good other than put myself in debt…yeah that’s something I’m a pro at.

Like…none of this is because of my parents or anything. My parents are incredibly supportive people, but I personally don’t ever feel like I’m enough. Does that make sense? It’s not because I haven’t been told I’m enough, because I have. I get told people are proud of me regularly, but I just want to impress them, shock them, do something and become something they didn’t think I would, but that’s for them, not me.  Is that making sense at all?

So does anyone else understand what I’m saying and do you feel the same way? Let me know, please.