Blogmas Day 22: Needing a night out

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Sometimes you just need your best friend, good music, a tequila and sprite, and a late night. That was me tonight. I desperately needed to forget about my work week, my embarrassing break down, my bad experiences, and just let loose for a couple of hours. I needed to sing some throwbacks, dance way too close to strangers, get groped by a gay guy…well…okay I didn’t need that part but it was definitely comedic, and probably spill my drink more than a couple of times.

I am so happy I agreed to go out tonight. I feel so much more relaxed…but that’s honestly probably the tequila talking. Hopefully this feeling lasts though and I can have an amazing Christmas and hopefully an even more amazing start to my 2018.

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Blogmas Day 21: I am so humiliated

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Today was a really difficult, complicated, confusing day. A day that I was in no way anticipating. I had a normal morning. I had a therapy appt, it went well, I went to work. I walked into work expecting a normal day, so it was to my surprise that about an hour after I got there I was told that I will be learning more about insurance in order to help out Gabby and take on a more active role in that department. I immediately felt the tears well up.

I tried to do what my psychologist taught me and distract my short term memory by counting something or reading some names on the schedule, but it didn’t work. I went to the bathroom and lightly cried and then returned to the front desk feeling a little bit better. However, I that light cry was apparently just the tip of the iceburg. When the idea was brought up again for further discussion, I got very emotional and started to cry. Up front. One of our higher ups (I’ll call her E), asked if I wanted to go to the back and take a minute so I went with her. What I wasn’t expecting was for two of our therapists to be on lunch in the back so I walked in thinking it would be quiet and alone and it wasn’t. So two therapists saw me crying, which is really unsettling for me and made me feel very embarrassed and ashamed.

After catching my breath and settling down, I realized that for some unknown reason I had brought a sticky note and pencil with me. I decided that I was going to tell E what was going on, but I didn’t want to say it because it would have kept me crying so I wrote it down. I didn’t give very many details, but I did say I am in eating disorder treatment and then I will be starting trauma counseling in mid February, so I was just feeling very overwhelmed and to walk in and find out I’m going to have more put onto my plate and more to think about, it just all kind of hit me. I felt very alone and very discouraged and still quite embarrassed because the two therapists could obviously hear what was going on.

Once I had settled down I was able to go back up front and start learning insurance things just fine. I was never against learning them, I’m scared to, because its a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure, but I wasn’t opposed. I was just in so much shock and felt like I was just drowning in new things and new information and had so much going on that adding to my pile felt like the a ton of bricks just crashing to the floor. I couldn’t handle it.

I still feel so embarrassed, so ashamed and so small because of that event. I did not want anyone outside the two people who already knew, knowing. I especially didn’t want one of the higher ups at work knowing I was struggling. One of my coworkers maybe, like G or C or D I probably would have told because I find them to be very trustworthy and very reassuring, but I really just wanted to handle it. It is inappropriate to fall apart at work, but that’s exactly what I did. I fell apart and I am so humiliated.

Blogmas Day 20: Holy $#!t, I’m behind on Christmas!

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I just came to the conclusion that I have about 72 hours…which is really 48 because tomorrow is already booked solid, to get the following stuff done for Christmas:

  1. Get to the mall to buy my mom’s other gift
  2. Bake at least 2 desserts for one of my best friends for his Christmas gift…shoot
  3. Go to the store to buy all the ingredients for said friend’s Christmas gift
  4. Print out pictures for my other best friend’s husband so he can finish her Christmas gift
  5. Buy gift cards for a couple people
  6. Get to everyone’s house to gift exchange…oh yeah
  7. Wrap everyone’s gifts!

I essentially have 48 hours to do all of this…why did I do this to myself? Last year I had Christmas done by like…Cyber Monday and last year was so much crazier! I am so very clearly on top of my game this year. It’s insane. I am just…I got this guy. JK I’m losing my $#!t. Wish me luck!!

Blogmas Day 19: Ciao, Adios

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I wrote a thing tonight that I wanted to share with you guys and get some opinions on. I don’t know if it’s one piece or two separate pieces that I just put together but shouldn’t be or what…but I hope you enjoy reading it!

Ciao, Adios

You smile at me

It’s unsettling

You’re gritting your teeth

I’m falling to my knees

I’m looking away

Scared to leave your place

Cause last time I tried

I saw that look in your eyes

And I knew I was trapped,

In this hell where I couldn’t fight back

But I have been here for too long

It’s about time I tell you I’m done

 

And I say,

Ciao, adios, see you never, here’s a toast

To us being over and done

To this war I’ve finally won.

And I say,

Keep my stuff, I don’t care, turn it into ashes piercing the air

This is my time to celebrate

Say goodbye, I’m walking away

 

My Family’s Christmas Traditions: Blogmas Day 17

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I have a very small immediate family and our Christmas day is pretty simple! So as promised, here are the few traditions that my family has for Christmas day!

Every year, Christmas begins with everyone opening presents in the living room. We all gather around and pass out the presents, hand out the stockings, and laugh as my cat angrily bats at the wrapping paper we throw towards him.

Following the presents,Β my dad heads to the kitchen to make a big breakfast, which almost always consists of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and sometimes hash browns. Seeing as I no longer really eat bacon or eggs, I go in on the pancakes and potatoes!! We all sit at the table (except my brother usually because he doesn’t eat breakfast), and eat while someone puts on some Christmas tunes in the background.

For dinner every Christmas, my dad makes his homemade gravy (tomato sauce) and we have spaghetti for our Christmas dinner. This is a meal that is quick, easy, and everyone will definitely eat so it has been our go-to for a few years now! My dad’s homemade gravy is delicious and truly one of my favorite parts about Christmas day!

 

Well, that’s it! Those are the few traditions that my family has Christmas day! We don’t see extended family that day and we aren’t very big party people. Sometimes we will throw on some Christmas movies or play a family game, it really all depends on that specific day and how everyone is feeling. Once in awhile, if we have a white Christmas (which honestly we might have this year!) some of us will go out for a walk down by the boat launch to get some fresh air and unique shots of nature. I love my family’s Christmas and I really wouldn’t change it!

Blogmas Day 16: My top 10 favorite things about Christmas/Winter

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Leave a comment letting me know if we have any of the same favorites or tell me your own!!

  1. The presents! I LOVE to give Christmas presents. Absolutely love it. I love shopping for people, wrapping, giving, and watching their reaction when they see what I got them. It fills me with so much joy, especially when I am giving to little kids because their reactions are ALWAYS priceless.
  2. The weather. I live in the northeastern part of the U.S, so for me later fall/winter is always cold, windy, rainy, and this year quite snowy already! I personally enjoy the cold weather and the snow during Christmas time because it’s what I grew up with. It adds that warm and cozy feeling. What I don’t enjoy is leaving the house in that weather!
  3. The baking. I wholeheartedly enjoy baking. It is one of my favorite things to do during the holidays. It’s also something I do every year for either my family, friends, coworkers, whomever. I always bake some kind of brownie or cookie. I love the way the house smells when I’m whipping up a batch of chocolate chip cookies or peppermint brownies!
  4. The joy. Personally, I always feel happy during the fall and winter months. Seasonal depression really isn’t something I struggle with thankfully! The cozy vibes and giving moods I see people in continue to put me in a better mood myself. This time of year makes me feel like a better person, makes me feel grateful for where I am in life and who I have in it.
  5. The tree!! Now, I have never actually gone out and chopped down a Christmas tree and to be honest, I don’t really have much of an interest in that tradition. I am all for a fake tree that we keep in the basement or attic and pull out once a year! It’s less mess, less fuss, and just all around easier for me and that’s how I like. Putting up the Christmas tree really puts me in the holiday mindset. Stringing the lights and hanging all of my families ornaments, it makes me feel nostalgic and peaceful.
  6. Christmas music. Yes, I actually really do like Christmas music! Maybe not this 24/7 thing we have going on, but if I’m baking cookies or cleaning up the house or sitting alone at my desk at work, yeah I’m going to blast some Jingle Bell Rock and have myself a little private Christmas party!
  7. The fashion. Not to sound shallow, but I’ve always been a fan of winter fashion. Trends go from being about edge and glamour to bulky and comfortable. I love seeing everyone feel confident in loose sweaters worn with leggings or walking around in jeans and bulky faux fur coat. We all look so cute, but still so warm and relaxed, it’s a great sight and feeling to experience.
  8. The coffee flavors. As an avid coffee lover (granted I only drink coffee 1x/ day if that but still!), I get almostΒ too excited when those Starbucks holiday drinks come out. My favorite is Chestnut Praline, followed by the iconic Peppermint Mocha of course. I love cozying up under a huge throw blanket with a grande latte and binge watching something on Netflix. It puts me in the most relaxed, go with the flow kind of mood and really just makes me an easier person to deal with!
  9. The traditions. Every family or person has their own Christmas/Holiday traditions that they engage in every single year. Some people open one gift on Christmas eve, some people put up an extravagant lights display, some people see all of their family in one day, etc. My family is very small – even if you count my extended family we still cap out at like…20 or something if you count my second cousins! My immediate family only does a few simple things Christmas day, but you’ll have to read my Blogmas Day 16 to find out about those!
  10. The love. Christmas to me has always been about love and acceptance and family. Although my family isn’t what most would consider “tight knit”, we do come together Christmas day to open presents, eat some good food, laugh and listen to some Christmas tunes. My brother is a volunteer fire fighter though so he is usually in and out that day, which is totally fine! Maybe it’s just me, but I always feel much more lovey-dovey on Christmas day.