Today was a really difficult, complicated, confusing day. A day that I was in no way anticipating. I had a normal morning. I had a therapy appt, it went well, I went to work. I walked into work expecting a normal day, so it was to my surprise that about an hour after I got there I was told that I will be learning more about insurance in order to help out Gabby and take on a more active role in that department. I immediately felt the tears well up.
I tried to do what my psychologist taught me and distract my short term memory by counting something or reading some names on the schedule, but it didn’t work. I went to the bathroom and lightly cried and then returned to the front desk feeling a little bit better. However, I that light cry was apparently just the tip of the iceburg. When the idea was brought up again for further discussion, I got very emotional and started to cry. Up front. One of our higher ups (I’ll call her E), asked if I wanted to go to the back and take a minute so I went with her. What I wasn’t expecting was for two of our therapists to be on lunch in the back so I walked in thinking it would be quiet and alone and it wasn’t. So two therapists saw me crying, which is really unsettling for me and made me feel very embarrassed and ashamed.
After catching my breath and settling down, I realized that for some unknown reason I had brought a sticky note and pencil with me. I decided that I was going to tell E what was going on, but I didn’t want to say it because it would have kept me crying so I wrote it down. I didn’t give very many details, but I did say I am in eating disorder treatment and then I will be starting trauma counseling in mid February, so I was just feeling very overwhelmed and to walk in and find out I’m going to have more put onto my plate and more to think about, it just all kind of hit me. I felt very alone and very discouraged and still quite embarrassed because the two therapists could obviously hear what was going on.
Once I had settled down I was able to go back up front and start learning insurance things just fine. I was never against learning them, I’m scared to, because its a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure, but I wasn’t opposed. I was just in so much shock and felt like I was just drowning in new things and new information and had so much going on that adding to my pile felt like the a ton of bricks just crashing to the floor. I couldn’t handle it.
I still feel so embarrassed, so ashamed and so small because of that event. I did not want anyone outside the two people who already knew, knowing. I especially didn’t want one of the higher ups at work knowing I was struggling. One of my coworkers maybe, like G or C or D I probably would have told because I find them to be very trustworthy and very reassuring, but I really just wanted to handle it. It is inappropriate to fall apart at work, but that’s exactly what I did. I fell apart and I am so humiliated.