This Is What I Am

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I have a habit of identifying solely with the mental disorders that I have, as well as what has happened to me in the past. I essentially introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Lauren and I have an anxiety disorder, a history with depression, and I am an abuse victim and previous self harmer”. I put those things first, and then include my good things. It should be the other way around.

I do this because those things are all I have known for a very long time. I don’t necessarily know what else I am. I feel like a hazard, like a complicated person so I give people a heads up, but that is not fair to me.

So I’m going to make a list, I don’t know how long, of all the things that I am. Well, at least all of the things I can think of at this point in time because this is something that I struggle with and am currently working on.

  • I am a survivor, first and foremost.
  • I am loyal to my family, my friends, and anyone else who happens to make their way into my life.
  • I am giving to those who need it, and even those who don’t.
  • I am a writer of many sorts, but my natural ability is in lyrics/poems and academic work.
  • I am an artist, whether I believe that all of the time or not.
  • I am intuitive, which likely stems from my love of psychology.
  • I am kind to all living things.
  • I have a heart the size of Jupiter.
  • I have an eye for nature photography.
  • I am smart and I enjoy learning about health and wellness.
  • I love to sing, although I do not feel I am good at it.
  • I am dedicated.
  • I love kids.
  • I love music of all kinds, but I am definitely a rock and roll girl above all.
  • I am passionate and romantic, but not in the stereotypical sense.
  • I like being different, but I hate being the center of attention if I am not in control of it…I’m a little bit of a control freak actually.

So that’s what I have right now.

But as I’m writing this, I was just told by one of my closest friends that I need to stop trying to identify with things and just “be Lauren”. Drop the rest and just be me and people will form their own opinions.

I do like his advice and his take, but that is difficult for me and that is something I have always struggled with. I label myself, I always have, I don’t really know how just say, “Hi, I’m Lauren”. There’s always more and it’s always, “I’m hard to handle, and I have quite a rough past” while also saying, “but I’m totally cool and worth having around”. I’m never just me because I have never done that. I’m human, we identify with things because that makes us who we are, but maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it.

 

Someone Will See

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Maybe if I overdose, someone will see me.

Someone will realize that I wasn’t just trying to make friends.

Someone will see that I was asking for help.

Someone will see that I’m still broken and help me fix all of this.

Someone will see that I just want some more people in my life so that I feel like I have people there who care about me. I don’t just want some more friends, I need them.

Someone will see that when I say I haven’t been sleeping well, I don’t just mean I’m not tired.

Someone will see that my eyes aren’t just watering from allergies.

Maybe someone will help me.

Or maybe they’ll just see that I’m crazy and be grateful they dodged a bullet.

 

 

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So obviously I’m just this annoying human that nobody wants to know.

And that sucks because I am an incredible person who is actually fairly confident in herself most days.

I’m an amazing friend. I will do whatever you need. I will be there for you as often as I can. I will try like hell to never let you down.

But nobody, or at least very few people, ever gives me the chance to show them that side of me. To show them all of my strengths and how big my heart is.

Because I am just another annoying human being who is too scared to let people in, but also too afraid not to.

But give me a chance anyway, I’m worth it.

Little do I Know

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Little do you know I’m,

wide awake while you’re sleeping just fine

Little do you know I’m,

still healing while you’re living your life

And little you do you know my,

mind is racing but I

I’m gonna be just fine

I’m gonna be just fine

‘Cause little do I know I have got one hell of a drive

to make it through all your abuse and come out on the other side

And even in my darkest times

When your words invade my space

And those memories form nightmares that I cannot escape

I will be just fine

I will be alright

I’m Just Looking for a Friend

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It is so hard for me to make friends.

It’s even harder when I know the person or people think there’s a hidden agenda in why I’m talking to them.

There is not.

Just because I think you’re attractive, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you romantically.

I’m just looking for a friend.

There is no hidden agenda with me. If I want something, I’ll tell you.

All you have to do is talk to me, be forward, ask me and I’ll tell you where I stand.

But don’t assume that I’m after something simply because I’ve messaged you a few times.

I’m not “taking the hint” because there’s no hint to take.

I’m asking for a friend, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just someone I can talk to and get to know who is kind to me and understanding of me.

Someone to hangout with when I’m bored or lonely. Someone to go on coffee runs with me because lord knows I like my coffee. Call them “dates”, call them “hangouts”, whatever, I’m not out scouting my next relationship, just some new people to bring into my life. Where those encounters lead isn’t up to me.

All you have to do is talk to me and you’ll find all of this out,

I just hope you don’t make assumptions and push me away before you’ve even given me the chance to be let in.

I’m just looking for a friend, which is hard for me to do,

so instead of waiting for me to take the hint,

tell me where you stand, I’ll tell you where I stand, and we can go from there.