I have a habit of identifying solely with the mental disorders that I have, as well as what has happened to me in the past. I essentially introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Lauren and I have an anxiety disorder, a history with depression, and I am an abuse victim and previous self harmer”. I put those things first, and then include my good things. It should be the other way around.
I do this because those things are all I have known for a very long time. I don’t necessarily know what else I am. I feel like a hazard, like a complicated person so I give people a heads up, but that is not fair to me.
So I’m going to make a list, I don’t know how long, of all the things that I am. Well, at least all of the things I can think of at this point in time because this is something that I struggle with and am currently working on.
- I am a survivor, first and foremost.
- I am loyal to my family, my friends, and anyone else who happens to make their way into my life.
- I am giving to those who need it, and even those who don’t.
- I am a writer of many sorts, but my natural ability is in lyrics/poems and academic work.
- I am an artist, whether I believe that all of the time or not.
- I am intuitive, which likely stems from my love of psychology.
- I am kind to all living things.
- I have a heart the size of Jupiter.
- I have an eye for nature photography.
- I am smart and I enjoy learning about health and wellness.
- I love to sing, although I do not feel I am good at it.
- I am dedicated.
- I love kids.
- I love music of all kinds, but I am definitely a rock and roll girl above all.
- I am passionate and romantic, but not in the stereotypical sense.
- I like being different, but I hate being the center of attention if I am not in control of it…I’m a little bit of a control freak actually.
So that’s what I have right now.
But as I’m writing this, I was just told by one of my closest friends that I need to stop trying to identify with things and just “be Lauren”. Drop the rest and just be me and people will form their own opinions.
I do like his advice and his take, but that is difficult for me and that is something I have always struggled with. I label myself, I always have, I don’t really know how just say, “Hi, I’m Lauren”. There’s always more and it’s always, “I’m hard to handle, and I have quite a rough past” while also saying, “but I’m totally cool and worth having around”. I’m never just me because I have never done that. I’m human, we identify with things because that makes us who we are, but maybe I am putting too much emphasis on it.