When am I going to think I’m enough?
He is so good to me, but I push and pull him out of fear and desire.
I still wonder sometimes if I should even be here.
And that makes me sad, because I wasn’t always this way.
When am I going to be able to trust again? The problem isn’t him, the problem is me. And that’s honesty, not self hate.
When am I going to like who I am? Genuinely and purely love myself without fear.
Am I going to be able to explain myself better?
Do I have any purpose or am I taking up space?
When is sex not going to be this task to overcome…why the hell is this even a question, oh right, because you happened.
When am I going to stop wondering if my own boyfriend actually likes me…
hold on, let me rephrase that,
When am I going to stop having anxiety? That makes more sense…
no question I have about my relationship is a genuine one, they’re all anxiety based, a result of my past.
When is that going to stop?
When is my head going to stop spinning?
When am I going to stop crying and wondering and hating…
When the hell do I get to be happy again?
And don’t tell me “whenever you want to be”, because that’s ignorant. I would know, I used to say it all of the time.
I don’t want to tell you when I’m not okay because I’m terrified that it’ll be the last time I get to talk to you at all.
I don’t want to be scared anymore.