Q: If the day before you were to fly home from a holiday in Jamaica, a fortune teller warned you about an exploding plane, would you alter your travel plans?
A: If her prediction was specific or detailed enough to worry me, and I had the time/money to change my departure, yes I absolutely would. I have anxiety, so statements like that get in my head. So if waiting an extra day to depart is what I need to do to keep my anxiety at bay, then that’s what I’m gonna do!
If the prediction was more bogus, like “a plane is going to explode today”, I’d be less concerned because that statement is not as anxiety inducing since a plane could explode today, that’s 100% true. Things go wrong and happen. If I couldn’t afford to postpone my flight, well then I’d just have to suck it up and hope for the best!
Q: Do you consciously do things to test people? If so, why do you feel this is necessary? How would it make you feel if a friend were doing that to you?
A: Yes I do. I have drastically decreased the frequency that I do this, but yes, I do consciously test people. I do it when my anxiety is acting up and I am wondering if whoever I am talking to can deal with it, if they want to deal with it, if they know how to deal with it, etc. I look for certain answers or wordings to make calm myself. I do not feel that testing someone is necessary, at all. In fact I think it does nothing but cause drama and add insecurity both to myself and my relationship between the other person.
I do not do it often anymore, which I am very proud of myself for, because I have learned a lot about why I do it, where that urge comes from, and how to better address the urge without needing to test someone. This learning process has helped me better myself and preserve relationships that otherwise would be damaged by now.
I am very proud of how far I’ve come in dealing with my anxiety, my triggers, and how I go about dealing with those triggers. I very rarely act on an urge to test somebody, but when I do, I regret it deeply and remember that feeling for the next time, so maybe I won’t do it again.
Q: Do you think people see you as you really are? If not, how might you better show your true self?
A: I do not think people see me as I really am, well, strangers at least. I am a very shy and fairly socially awkward person. When I’m in a public space or I’m meeting someone new, I overcompensate for my anxiety fear by being over confident, which comes across as stuck up. Sometimes though, the pendulum swings the other way and I get quiet, silent, and internalize everything. So strangers definitely don’t see me as I really am.
Now my friends, that’s getting a lot better. Again, because I have anxiety, I never really let myself be who I am because I was afraid of being judged by others. I do think the people closest to me know the general concept of who I really am, I just need to work on being okay with the details even if they differ from someone else’s personal details.
In order to improve and allow people to see me for me, I need work on over coming my anxiety, which I am doing every single day. I need to pay more attention to my responses to questions. Instead of spitting out the answer I know they want to hear, I need to pause, and tell them the answer that I actually believe, regardless of what they may think of it. Basically, I need to just do it anyway.
A few months back, I was approached by an author who was writing a book about sexual assault/sexual indecency. I was asked if a previous post of mine titled “I am the survivor” could be features in the book, I agreed. I do not make any income from this book what so ever; I am just so honored that the author felt my post was compelling enough to be placed in their book alongside dozens of other personal sexual assault/indecency stories.
The book, titled Please Tell Someone, is finally published (self published) on amazon.com! Check out the link below to purchase the book for just $5.00. I received a free PDF copy since my post is featured in the book and I am so excited about it!
I truly recommend that anyone who has dealt with sexual abuse/assault/indecency read this book. It is so personal and raw, while also portraying empowerment and the will to overcome something you never thought you’d have to face. It’s a wonderful collection of works and personal stories that I am so grateful and excited to be a part of.
Q: Do you like to hear about the details of your partner’s daily activities? Do you enjoy telling people about what happens to you during the day?
A: Yes I definitely enjoy both! I love to hear about my partner’s day and I love even more then the information is offered up voluntarily, without my asking. It shows me that he wants me to know these little things that may not make a difference in the overall relationship, but they make a difference here and now. I want my partner to be able to share all the little details (well okay maybe not all, I don’t need to know what kind of sandwich you ate for lunch…unless it was just THAT good) about their day with me. I’d also want to do the same. I enjoy doing that. It makes me feel like someone cares and wants to hear about how my day went. The good, the bad, the silly, even the pointless. I want to know and I want to share, absolutely.
Q: When you say things you don’t mean, are you generally trying to protect yourself or someone else?
A: I’m reading this question like, yourself OR someone else, not a combined version.
Personally, I do both. 9/10 times I am trying to protect myself because I have been through a lot and put myself through a lot, so I am very defensive over certain topics. I try not to say things that are untrue or unjustifiable or even just an exaggerated version of the truth, because that accomplishes nothing. If I do say things I either don’t mean or don’t 100% know, it’s to defend myself from being hurt or feeing attacked or judged. Sometimes I’ll even defend myself so that I don’t feel stupid if I’m wrong, but it’s okay to be wrong and that is something I’m working on.
As far as defending other people, that highly depends on the surrounding conversation. If the topic is serious or very personal to that person, I am likely to defend them if they aren’t there to defend themselves, again, something I am trying to stop doing. It’s not my battle to fight.