My apologies if this seems a little sloppy and scattered, I wanted to write it now while it was fresh in my mind and not rehearsed at a later date. So hey.
If you opened this letter, and are wondering if you fit this “category”, keep reading anyway because there are no categories when it comes to this letter. If you’re reading this then you’ve been abused in some way and that means you need to hear this.
Sexual abuse, whether in the form of rape, rape by object, sex by manipulation, sex by cooersion, whatever your situation may be, sexual abuse is a very defeating form of abuse. It breaks you down and makes you feel like you deserve it. Like you did this to yourself. That he or she is right to do this to you. That it’s okay for them to do this to you because they love you. I have heard it all. I spent a year and a half being sexually abused by one man who I let run my life. A man who taught me what sex meant. For me, what I learned was sex means shut the fuck up and try not to cry, and if you do cry, lie about it. Because you don’t matter. I didn’t matter. To him, I was an object. I was something he could maniptulate and “no” didn’t mean no to him, it meant “okay…time to make her feel gulty so I get what I want and if that doesn’t work I’ll just tell her it’ll be quick and start anyway”. I was abused. I was broken down. And even through the beginning of a new relatiomshp that followed once I left him, I had the hardest time with sex.
I need to tell all of you something. Whatever you have been taught about sex by your abuser is wrong. Whatever he or she has taught you is not true. Tonight, tonight I learned what sex means. Sex means passion. Sex means feeling things that I cannot describe to you and I wish I could because I know what it’s like to just want answers and to wonder if what you’re feeling is right. Sex is real and pure. Sex is connection. Sex is about both people involved, not just one. I want you all to know that it will take time, it may even take therapy because lord knows I needed it, but you will not feel the way you do now forever. You will not feel broken. You will not feel completely violated. You will not feel like parts of you have been stolen. You will not feel like you have no control. You will not feel like your brain and body have betrayed you. You will not feel helpless. You will not feel fragile because you are NOT fragile. You are NOT weak. You are NOT defenseless. And you do NOT deserve what has been done to you.
With or without sex, you will again start to feel whole. You will again start to feel like yourself. You will again remember what it’s like to love yourself. You will again, or if your situation is like mine then for the time, learn what sex actually means. You will learn how sex is supposed to feel. You will again or for the first time realize that you matter. You matter. I matter. You and I, we fucking matter.
You do not have to take what has been done to you. I need to you to know that you deserve more. You deserve a good sex life. This article is very sex based so I apologize if that makes you reading this uncomfortable, but you need to know and I hope you one day learn that sex is not a bad thing. It’s not manipulative. It’s not emotionally or physically painful. It’s not something you have to run from or be afraid of. Sex is something that will make you feel like you’re riding a high you’ve never ridden before. It’s freeing and natural and beautiful and I hope that you one day find someone who will remind you or teach you how it feels to enjoy sex. How to remember or learn that you matter. Because you do. You matter. I matter, and we matter.
The girl next door.