Today I Was…

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Discharged.

Today, November 29, 2016 at 11am I was discharged from outpatient treatment therapy. Today, I am no longer depressed, I am no longer a suicide risk, I am able to think cognitively and mindfully, and today I have been discharged from treatment.

Four months ago on July 24th, 2016 I began seeing a new psychologist. You see, I had been seeing a talk therapist for a good…3 and a half years, and she helped me so much. I am so grateful for her, but a lot happened in that time. A lot that I never spoke about. She became someone I paid to sit and chat with, which is actually what I needed sometimes. She was great at first, but I became dependent and I became stuck.

So, on July 24th, 2016 I began seeing a new psychologist and she changed my entire life. Well, I changed my entire life, but she is a part of the reason why. Without her, I would not have faced the facts of my abusive relationship. Without her, I would not have learned how to cognitively approach my thoughts. Without her, I would not have learned how to properly cope with situations in life. Without her, I would not have learned how the brain actually works in terms of my personal addictions. Without her, I would not know how to face my social anxiety. Without her, I wouldn’t understand this cycle, all of these cycles, that I was in and why and how to face them. Without her, I would not now know how to handle the urges to self harm or purge or restrict or overanalyze and ask for reassurance where it is not needed. Without her, I would not know how to turn away from the thoughts of suicide. Without her, I would not have figured out how strong I actually am and how happy I can actually be.

But without me, without my determination, without my need to face these things even when I made mistakes and even when I was crying and scared and alone, without me I would not be where I am today. I will not share my numbers with you all, because I feel that is my personal information and my personal details, but I will say this. In just four months, 16 weeks, I went from severely depressed/suicidal to not depressed at all. In 16 weeks, 112 days, I went from a complete inability to think cognitively and mindfully to that being my automatic brain response to most situations. In 112 days, 2,688 hours, I went from being in my room nearly all day/everyday and being terrified of anything social what so ever to going to three social events in the last two weeks of treatment and getting a full time job in a position where I am constantly interacting with people. In 2,688 hours, 161,280 minutes, I went from having a 36% quality of life to a 68% and quickly rising. Those are numbers I do not mind sharing as they are vague.

In such a short amount of time, I changed my life. There is more I’d like to do and more I’d like to improve upon, but that no longer requires assistance from a psychologist. I know what needs to be done, now I just have to do it like I’ve been doing it for the past four months, 16 weeks, 112 days, 2,688 hours, and 161,280 minutes.

Today I have been discharged. Today I have never been happier. Today I have never been prouder. Today, today I am free.

*Today I am almost 5 months clean of self harm. (7/3/16)

*Today I am 6 months clean of purging (5/29/16)

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An Open Letter to Victims of Sexual Abuse

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My apologies if this seems a little sloppy and scattered, I wanted to write it now while it was fresh in my mind and not rehearsed at a later date. So hey.

If you opened this letter, and are wondering if you fit this “category”, keep reading anyway because there are no categories when it comes to this letter. If you’re reading this then you’ve been abused in some way and that means you need to hear this.

Sexual abuse, whether in the form of rape, rape by object, sex by manipulation, sex by cooersion, whatever your situation may be, sexual abuse is a very defeating form of abuse. It breaks you down and makes you feel like you deserve it. Like you did this to yourself. That he or she is right to do this to you. That it’s okay for them to do this to you because they love you. I have heard it all. I spent a year and a half being sexually abused by one man who I let run my life. A man who taught me what sex meant. For me, what I learned was sex means shut the fuck up and try not to cry, and if you do cry, lie about it. Because you don’t matter. I didn’t matter. To him, I was an object. I was something he could maniptulate and “no” didn’t mean no to him, it meant “okay…time to make her feel gulty so I get what I want and if that doesn’t work I’ll just tell her it’ll be quick and start anyway”. I was abused. I was broken down. And even through the beginning of a new relatiomshp that followed once I left him, I had the hardest time with sex.

I need to tell all of you something. Whatever you have been taught about sex by your abuser is wrong. Whatever he or she has taught you is not true. Tonight, tonight I learned what sex means. Sex means passion. Sex means feeling things that I cannot describe to you and I wish I could because I know what it’s like to just want answers and to wonder if what you’re feeling is right. Sex is real and pure. Sex is connection. Sex is about both people involved, not just one. I want you all to know that it will take time, it may even take therapy because lord knows I needed it, but you will not feel the way you do now forever. You will not feel broken. You will not feel completely violated. You will not feel like parts of you have been stolen. You will not feel like you have no control. You will not feel like your brain and body have betrayed you. You will not feel helpless. You will not feel fragile because you are NOT fragile. You are NOT weak. You are NOT defenseless. And you do NOT deserve what has been done to you.

With or without sex, you will again start to feel whole. You will again start to feel like yourself. You will again remember what it’s like to love yourself. You will again, or if your situation is like mine then for the time, learn what sex actually means. You will learn how sex is supposed to feel. You will again or for the first time realize that you matter. You matter. I matter. You and I, we fucking matter.

You do not have to take what has been done to you. I need to you to know that you deserve more. You deserve a good sex life. This article is very sex based so I apologize if that makes you reading this uncomfortable, but you need to know and I hope you one day learn that sex is not a bad thing. It’s not manipulative. It’s not emotionally or physically painful. It’s not something you have to run from or be afraid of. Sex is something that will make you feel like you’re riding a high you’ve never ridden before. It’s freeing and natural and beautiful and I hope that you one day find someone who will remind you or teach you how it feels to enjoy sex. How to remember or learn that you matter. Because you do. You matter. I matter, and we matter.

Sincerely,

The girl next door.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 7

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– List 30 facts about yourself

  1. I was born in April.
  2. I have hazel eyes that everybody mistakes for just being brown!
  3. I have absolutely no idea where I am going with my life.
  4. I have one younger brother and no other siblings.
  5. I once worked at a café for 4 years.
  6. I love macro nature photography.
  7. I love sunsets more than sunrises.
  8. I am attracted to both guys and girls and no I am not “confused” about that.
  9. I have two best friends.
  10. I value the relationships I have with people.
  11. I have overcome several mental disorders.
  12. I write song lyrics on a daily basis, both on accident and on purpose.
  13. My favorite color is turquoise.
  14. I currently have purple hair.
  15. I love Instagram.
  16. I hate the east coast.
  17. I once thought it would be a great idea to take my not even one year old beagle for a walk…while I was wearing roller blades that I barely knew how to use.
  18. That thought resulted in stitches in my knee and a small grey spot where one of the stitches were.
  19. I love Mexican food, vegan or not.
  20. I eat a plant-based diet 99% of the time and I will not apologize for that 1% that I don’t.
  21. I do not support animal testing nor do I wear real leather.
  22. I love the band Seether.
  23. I do not identify with any religion nor do I identify with those who don’t believe in religion because I am genuinely confused on the subject.
  24. I struggle with social anxiety.
  25. Christmas is my favorite holiday. (hahaha…just realized I wrote that on number 25)
  26. I have a small YouTube channel that I’d like to grow.
  27. I love psychology.
  28. I used to lie a lot because I was so terrified of hurting peoples feelings or upsetting them. That was the only reason I ever lied, fear.
  29. Money has very little value to me.
  30. I want to travel to way too many countries before I have kids, and the rest I’ll visit when my kids are in college!
  31. BONUS* I forgive myself, which is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever had to do in my life, so much so that I am still working on it. And that is okay.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 6

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List 10 songs that you are loving right now!

  1. Closer by The Chain Smokers ft. Halsey
  2. Dirty Laundry by Carrie Underwood
  3. Remedy by Seether
  4. Fuck Yourself by Halsey
  5. Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix
  6. Problem by Natalia Kills
  7. MOVE by Luke Bryan
  8. True Disaster by Tove Lo
  9. Used To Love You by Gwen Stefani
  10. One Dance by Drake
  11. BONUS* Ten Thousand Fists by Disturbed
  12. BONUS* River by Bishop Briggs
  13. BONUS* Absolute Zero by Stone Sour
  14. BONUS* Weak by Seether

Okay I’m done adding bonuses now…

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 5

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-List 5 ways to win your heart

  1. Surprise me
  2. Don’t be afraid to be a nerd and talk about aliens with me
  3. Be kind and caring towards both humans and animals
  4. Make fun of whatever is on TV with me
  5. Be goal oriented and have a plan for those goals
  6. Bonus because why not, be interested in learning about me, past, present, and future and actually pay attention to what I’m telling you.
  7. Another bonus… remember the little things like my favorite flavor of cake, my favorite flower, little blurbs I once told you, how I like my coffee, etc.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 4

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-List 5 places you want to visit

  1. Italy. Why? Because my dad was in the Navy and visited Italy during his time serving. He repeatedly tells me how gorgeous the country is, Venice in particular. I want to see where he has been and figure out why he talks so highly of it. Oh, I’m also Italian so there’s that!
  2. Australia/New Zealand. I grouped these two countries together simply because they are very similar and if possible I’d like to see them both in one trip. My primary reason for this is because of the wild life in these countries. I’d love to see these animals live in their natural habitat instead of behind the bars of a zoo in a nearby city.
  3. Europe. Yes I know Italy is in Europe, but I felt Italy needed its own number. I would love to visit Europe as a whole; U.K, France, Greece, Ireland, Spain, Amsterdam, maybe even Russia.
  4. Costa Rica. My primary reason for wanting to visit Costa Rica is because of the nature aspect. Costa Rica is known for its rainforest, waterfalls, rivers, beaches, and wildlife. All of which are things I would love to experience for myself.
  5. Belize. This is a fairly new add-on to my list of places, but it also quickly became apart of my top few. Belize is full of natural beauty with its rainforests, coral reefs, and caves, but it’s also full of history with the Maya ruins along with several other ancient ruins that I’d love to visit and learn about.

Honestly, I could have quadrupled this list in minutes. I want to go everywhere. Not just out of the country either. There are so many places here in the US that I have yet to visit as well and I hope I get the chance to do so some day soon.

Where would you like to visit? Do we have any places in common? Let me know on Twitter @ChasingMine27 or leave me a comment below!

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 3

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(I’ll be posting twice today to make up for not posting yesterday!)

-What are your top three pet peeves?

Why do all of these questions seem so easy until I go to actually write the answers to them?

  1. When that one person ALWAYS has to be right and ALWAYS has to know the answer. If you don’t know something, let someone else explain it to you. You don’t need to know the answer. If you know the answer to something that someone else doesn’t, you should also tell them and not act like you’re better than them.
  2. When people don’t respect my privacy. I am allowed to not tell people things. I don’t have to share every thought that comes into this brain of mine. If I say I’m working on something,  but am not ready to tell you about it, that should be respected. It should not be pushed. Everyone is entitled to their privacy and their secrets.
  3. When I hear people say that psychiatric mental disorders (anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, eating disorder, etc.) are not real. This is just ignorance and stupidity. Just because you don’t understand something, doesn’t mean that it isn’t as real as a broken leg.
  4. *Bonus* On a less serious note, condensation on a plastic cup (like a water bottle) is the most irritating thing to me. That and when you erase something but there’s a small spot left behind…like just erase it! It’ll take 1/2 second!

So those are some of my pet peeves. I’m not sure if I can call them my top three because honestly I had a hard time coming up with them, but that’s what I got for now!