I Am the Survivor

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Last night I found myself wondering why he chose me.

I was confused. I wasn’t mad at him; I wasn’t sad about the situation.

I just wondered, why?

What made him see me as someone he could manipulate.

I mean, yeah, he was right because that IS what he did for a year and a half,

but we met on Facebook.

Facebook.

He pegged me as this weak, easy to control, girl simply by talking to me online.

Why?

What did I do, say, not do, not say, to give him that impression of me?

That is a question that I will never get an answer to because,

  1. I am never going to ask
  2. He would not tell me even if I did

“Why?” is a question that will repeat itself from time to time.

It is also a question that has no real purpose in being asked.

Knowing why he chose me will not change what has happened.

Knowing why will not give me any kind of reassurance, in fact it would likely do the opposite.

Knowing why will not justify what he has done.

Knowing why will not make anything better.

Knowing why won’t change a damn thing

“Why?” is just some question I want to know the answer to for the sake of pride,

but I don’t need to preserve my pride because I have done nothing wrong.

He did.

His actions are not excusable.

What he put me through; what he made me feel; what he made me face,

that is on him. Not me.

I am not the victim here.

I am the survivor.

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One thought on “I Am the Survivor

  1. Sapphire Writer

    So sorry for what happened to you. Love your courage and your message.
    I was wondering if I could include this post in a book I’m working on with my mum about sexual abuse survivors? I’d love for you to share your story.
    We want this topic not to be taboo. We’re encouraging people to speak up about it, that’s it not their fault and they’re not alone. We hope it will be a resource also to help people know what options they have.
    About 15 people have contributed their story so far and I’d love to include yours. Copyright stays with you, you can be anonymous if you want. Contributors receive a free pdf copy of the book, and ebooks will be for sale. Hopefully a print book as well.
    You may enter your story or anything relating to your experience as well if you’d like. There are also interview questions you are welcome to answer.
    Feel free to ask any questions: wordslikesilk@gmail.com
    For more info you can check out this post: https://sapphirelifewriter.wordpress.com/2016/08/10/sharing-my-experience-of-shame-fear-and-confusion/
    Thanks so much for considering being part of this project to help girls and women around the world.
    JD

    Like

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