Here’s to Trying to Figure It Out

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I am not a “go with the flow” kind of a girl. In fact, the flow scares the fuck out of me. I am the most structured, free-spirited person you will ever meet and yes that makes perfect sense if you knew me.

I am not the girl who can have “casual sex”. I mean I can, but it’s not the easiest process, which defeats the purpose of the word “casual”.

I am not someone who can just go out with friends the moment they call. I have to know in advance, even if all I’m doing at that moment is watching Netflix, I still can’t go.

I am not someone who can be late to places. I structure time down to the minute more often than not. I don’t like being really early and I don’t like being late. I like to be on time. If I do end up running late, I’m a panicked mess until I get to where I’m going.

I can go with the flow if I’m the one in control though… So if I’m canceling plans or changing time frames or bored and asking people to hangout, then I’m more lenient, but I don’t like when the cards are not in my hand. So…I’m both then. I’m a laid back go with the flow kind of a girl but also someone who needs structure 24/7…

If that even makes any sense.

I just thought I’d write out a little bit of what I am not because I tend to judge myself for that. So maybe by writing a piece of it out I won’t judge myself as much, or at least not as harshly. Also I don’t really understand what I am and what I am not…so here’s to trying to figure it out.

 

It’s Still All I Know

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My interpretation of sex

my mental interpretation of sex

is shut the fuck up and try not to cry

and if you do start to cry

Lie about it.

Do this for him.

Do this so you won’t feel guilty

so he won’t manipulate you into feeling guilty

Shut the fuck up and lay there and take it.

Get over it.

He loves you.

Do this for him.

 

That is how I perceive sex

Even though I know sex is so much more than that

Even though I am aware that the perception I have

is nothing more than my brain telling me what it has been taught

It’s still all I know.

 

 

 

 

I Am the Survivor

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Last night I found myself wondering why he chose me.

I was confused. I wasn’t mad at him; I wasn’t sad about the situation.

I just wondered, why?

What made him see me as someone he could manipulate.

I mean, yeah, he was right because that IS what he did for a year and a half,

but we met on Facebook.

Facebook.

He pegged me as this weak, easy to control, girl simply by talking to me online.

Why?

What did I do, say, not do, not say, to give him that impression of me?

That is a question that I will never get an answer to because,

  1. I am never going to ask
  2. He would not tell me even if I did

“Why?” is a question that will repeat itself from time to time.

It is also a question that has no real purpose in being asked.

Knowing why he chose me will not change what has happened.

Knowing why will not give me any kind of reassurance, in fact it would likely do the opposite.

Knowing why will not justify what he has done.

Knowing why will not make anything better.

Knowing why won’t change a damn thing

“Why?” is just some question I want to know the answer to for the sake of pride,

but I don’t need to preserve my pride because I have done nothing wrong.

He did.

His actions are not excusable.

What he put me through; what he made me feel; what he made me face,

that is on him. Not me.

I am not the victim here.

I am the survivor.

A Dose of Simple

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I haven’t blogged in quite a long time.

I would like to say that I have been busy or I have been tired, and while those things may be true, neither of them are an excuse. I don’t want to make excuses anymore.

I don’t want to be lazy anymore.

I don’t want to keep avoiding something I want to do anymore just because I’m living in my head.

I always have something to say, always. Whether or not I decide to say it, well, that’s a whole other story.

So,

I’d like to try this again. I’d like to continue this blog I have created, but without judgement of myself; without over organizing and over analyzing this basically non existent page in cyber space.

I’d like this blog to simply be that, a blog. A place where I just…write. No categories. No deleting a post because it doesn’t fit a “theme”. If I had an individual blog for every single topic that I want to write about, dear lord, I’d have at least 50!

This time I think I’m just going to write and see where it goes.

Instead of focusing on followers, I’ll just write. Those who want to read more from me, will. Those who don’t, well they won’t. Simple.

That’s what I need right now.

A dose of simple.