Sometimes I wish we were something that could work. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so confused every time I see you. Sometimes I wish that when we hang out, we could just be friends. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so torn between what we are and what we could be. Sometimes I wish that when you’re holding me, you won’t let me go. Maybe then I’ll always feel safe, always feel loved.

Sometimes I wish you weren’t so good to me. Maybe then I wouldn’t regret saying no to staying over. Sometimes I wish you weren’t there for me that night. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared to be without you. Sometimes I wish that you wouldn’t hold me at all, because sometimes I feel more afraid than comforted. Sometimes I wish you weren’t such a genuine, kind – hearted man who reminds me that I don’t have to feel self conscious about anything. Maybe then I wouldn’t still be attached to you.

Sometimes I wish you hated me. Maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking about any of this. Sometimes I wish you saw my values through different eyes. Maybe then I’d think we had a shot. Sometimes I wish you treasured the things that I do. Maybe then I’d say “one more try”. Sometimes I wish you didn’t still have a piece of my heart. Maybe then I could let you go.

But all of the time, all of the time I grateful to have you. I am grateful that you exist and that you exist in my life. All of the time I am happy that you are someone I get to call my friend, even if our definition of “friend” is a little bit loose, a little bit different from the norm. All of the time I can say that I am better to know you than to have never met you, because I was in danger before you. All of the time I am grateful for our failed attempts, for our joyful moments, and for everything in between. These moments, these periods in time, are what have kept you in my life this long. They are what made our friendship what it is today. With our without those blurred lines, I hope with all of my heart that you will always be a part of my life.

I don’t know what I would do if I never got to yell at television with you again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never heard your sarcastic comments again. I don’t know what I’d do if I never got to engage in our stupid, witty banter ever again. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my favorite loser. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.


Tell me hunny


Throw up my life into a paper cup
Tell me hunny, do I look good enough?
Hit the ground, I’m never getting up
Tell me hunny, how’s my makeup look?

Shatterred in pieces but I’m doing fine
I’ll take a drag and ill walk that line
Between who I am and who I’m becoming
This isn’t the end but it feels like it’s coming

I’m hiding myself from no one but me
Crimson red paint that’s dripping around me
Down on me knees, looking up at the sky
Is it raining tonight or is it the tears in my eyes?
I’m hiding myself from no one but me
Turn off all the lights I dont want to see
The girl in the mirror she’s screaming at me
Saying she’s sorry, I’m sorry, to me.



Song bit


I don’t like looking back, three years ago I never had, any friends, any hope,

I gave them up all for a joke, Of a man who laid his hands on parts of me he shouldn’t have,

and yes I knew, I swear I knew, that I had to leave but I couldn’t move,

Cause at one, point in time, you, had me by my mind and I almost lost it all, you didn’t care you watched me fall

But that was then and this is now and now is always gonna change but today it’s safe to say that I’m gonna be okay
I say I’m gonna be okay

I don’t know what it’s like…


I don’t know what it’s like to know exactly who you are.

I don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror, day and after day, and see no flaws.

Better yet, I don’t even know what it’s like to see flaws and accept them because you know you’re only human.

I don’t know what it’s like to wake up in the morning excited about the day ahead.

I don’t know what it’s like to see something new, different, and feel this overwhelming sensation that equates to holding your hand over a flame, knowing that, that thing you’re witnessing is what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a passion for something so strong that any negative thought or painful doubt you have about it is insignificant.

I don’t know what it’s like to be 100% authentically you.

I don’t know what it’s like to enter a room full of people and be nothing but calm.

I don’t know what it’s like to love yourself.

I don’t know what it’s like to feel someone touch you for the first time and get that wave of excitement, because all I feel is fear.

Just the thought of a simple hand holding gesture making me wince some days.

I don’t know what it’s like to be untouched and beautiful

I don’t know…a lot…of things.

I don’t know a lot of things that I should know,

that I want to know,

and I don’t know that I ever will.

There is more to life…


There’s more to life than striving for a specific body type. There’s more to life than waking up every morning and immediately thinking about what you’ll have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner…or if you’ll even eat any of those meals at all. There’s more to life than standing in front of a mirror and picking apart your body until all you see are flaws and abnormalities that truly are not there. There’s more to life than knowing how many calories are in a cup of black beans or if that apple has more than 100 calories in since it’s a little bigger than the palm of your hand. There’s more to life than pinching your skin and telling yourself how unattractive you are. There’s more to life than compulsively exercising and jumping on the latest fad diet. There’s more to life than weight loss supplements and dietary restrictions. There’s more to life than changing your outfit 5 times before you leave the house only to still hate yourself when you leave. There’s more to life than taking 75 selfies just to pick one to post on social media that really…you’re settling for because there’s something off about your hair, or shirt, or skin, or whatever it is you’re analyzing that minute. There’s more to life than being afraid to eat a doughnut or a cupcake. There’s more to life than tracking the amount of carbs, protein, fat, and sugar are in every meal you eat. There’s more to life than making sure everything you just ate, comes back out on your time despite the negative side effects that maybe you are overlooking. There’s more to life than looking down and hating that your stomach protrudes out a little bit when you lean forward, which is a totally normal and healthy thing for your body to do. There’s more to life than having a damn thigh gap. There is more to life than fear.

There is more to life than anorexia.

Blogmas Day 24: Twas the night before Christmas…


Every Christmas eve I got to my friends houses and gift exchange. This year I went to my one friend Tyler’s the bad before Christmas eve, but that’s fine. Tonight I went to Ashley’s and Amber’s to gift exchange with them. I had a great time, not because I got gifts, but because Ashley’s family is my family and I have never left that house without a smile on my face. Amber’s family is also my family and all of her kiddos are my nieces and nephews so I love giving them their presents and seeing their faces light up when I walk through the door. They always make me feel so grateful and joyful to have the life I do.

Blogmas Day 23: Am I wrong to like getting a gift on Christmas?


I grew up waking up on Christmas morning every year to a multitude of gifts under the Christmas tree. No I did not come from a rich household, my parents just worked hard and spent more than they had in order to give me and my brother the best Christmas ever. I am so grateful for that, I truly am. Christmas was always special in my house, even if as a child, it was somewhat about the presents.

As I get older, I seem to find myself struggling between that desire to get a gift for Christmas and realizing that I really do not need a gift from someone to know their love and to know that they see and understand me. I am that family oriented person who truly does believe Christmas is purely about being surrounded by the people you love, who love you, and enjoying the day together however you see fit. However, seeing as I grew up with the normative ways of gift exchanging, I also crave that act of getting a gift and being surprised by it and falling in love with it. As materialistic as that sounds, an adjective that I am most certainly not, it’s something I am struggling with.

Am I a terrible person for wanting gifts on Christmas? Admittedly I do enjoy giving more than getting, I have since I was a little kid. I was the girl who made sure her parents opened her gifts from her when she was watching so she could see their reactions and excitement. I’m the girl who thinks way too hard about Christmas shopping because I want to see the joy in the eyes of my friends and family. I love giving because it makes other people smile, it lightens a mood and can give hope to someone desperately in need of it.

That being said, I’m also the girl who liked getting gifts. I find comfort in knowing that the people I grew up with, the people who raised me, know me. I always liked the norm of gift exchanging with a loved one. It always felt so personal and romantic, even though  I would be just as happy baking cookies and watching Christmas movies. I get very confused and it’s made even more difficult when I know people who truly don’t like when people by them gifts, for any occasion. It’s not who they are and that makes me feel like a terrible person for wanting things from them on Christmas or my birthday.

Does anyone else feel as confused as I do?