There is more to life…

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There’s more to life than striving for a specific body type. There’s more to life than waking up every morning and immediately thinking about what you’ll have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner…or if you’ll even eat any of those meals at all. There’s more to life than standing in front of a mirror and picking apart your body until all you see are flaws and abnormalities that truly are not there. There’s more to life than knowing how many calories are in a cup of black beans or if that apple has more than 100 calories in since it’s a little bigger than the palm of your hand. There’s more to life than pinching your skin and telling yourself how unattractive you are. There’s more to life than compulsively exercising and jumping on the latest fad diet. There’s more to life than weight loss supplements and dietary restrictions. There’s more to life than changing your outfit 5 times before you leave the house only to still hate yourself when you leave. There’s more to life than taking 75 selfies just to pick one to post on social media that really…you’re settling for because there’s something off about your hair, or shirt, or skin, or whatever it is you’re analyzing that minute. There’s more to life than being afraid to eat a doughnut or a cupcake. There’s more to life than tracking the amount of carbs, protein, fat, and sugar are in every meal you eat. There’s more to life than making sure everything you just ate, comes back out on your time despite the negative side effects that maybe you are overlooking. There’s more to life than looking down and hating that your stomach protrudes out a little bit when you lean forward, which is a totally normal and healthy thing for your body to do. There’s more to life than having a damn thigh gap. There is more to life than fear.

There is more to life than anorexia.

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Blogmas Day 24: Twas the night before Christmas…

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Every Christmas eve I got to my friends houses and gift exchange. This year I went to my one friend Tyler’s the bad before Christmas eve, but that’s fine. Tonight I went to Ashley’s and Amber’s to gift exchange with them. I had a great time, not because I got gifts, but because Ashley’s family is my family and I have never left that house without a smile on my face. Amber’s family is also my family and all of her kiddos are my nieces and nephews so I love giving them their presents and seeing their faces light up when I walk through the door. They always make me feel so grateful and joyful to have the life I do.

Blogmas Day 23: Am I wrong to like getting a gift on Christmas?

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I grew up waking up on Christmas morning every year to a multitude of gifts under the Christmas tree. No I did not come from a rich household, my parents just worked hard and spent more than they had in order to give me and my brother the best Christmas ever. I am so grateful for that, I truly am. Christmas was always special in my house, even if as a child, it was somewhat about the presents.

As I get older, I seem to find myself struggling between that desire to get a gift for Christmas and realizing that I really do not need a gift from someone to know their love and to know that they see and understand me. I am that family oriented person who truly does believe Christmas is purely about being surrounded by the people you love, who love you, and enjoying the day together however you see fit. However, seeing as I grew up with the normative ways of gift exchanging, I also crave that act of getting a gift and being surprised by it and falling in love with it. As materialistic as that sounds, an adjective that I am most certainly not, it’s something I am struggling with.

Am I a terrible person for wanting gifts on Christmas? Admittedly I do enjoy giving more than getting, I have since I was a little kid. I was the girl who made sure her parents opened her gifts from her when she was watching so she could see their reactions and excitement. I’m the girl who thinks way too hard about Christmas shopping because I want to see the joy in the eyes of my friends and family. I love giving because it makes other people smile, it lightens a mood and can give hope to someone desperately in need of it.

That being said, I’m also the girl who liked getting gifts. I find comfort in knowing that the people I grew up with, the people who raised me, know me. I always liked the norm of gift exchanging with a loved one. It always felt so personal and romantic, even thoughΒ  I would be just as happy baking cookies and watching Christmas movies. I get very confused and it’s made even more difficult when I know people who truly don’t like when people by them gifts, for any occasion. It’s not who they are and that makes me feel like a terrible person for wanting things from them on Christmas or my birthday.

Does anyone else feel as confused as I do?

Blogmas Day 22: Needing a night out

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Sometimes you just need your best friend, good music, a tequila and sprite, and a late night. That was me tonight. I desperately needed to forget about my work week, my embarrassing break down, my bad experiences, and just let loose for a couple of hours. I needed to sing some throwbacks, dance way too close to strangers, get groped by a gay guy…well…okay I didn’t need that part but it was definitely comedic, and probably spill my drink more than a couple of times.

I am so happy I agreed to go out tonight. I feel so much more relaxed…but that’s honestly probably the tequila talking. Hopefully this feeling lasts though and I can have an amazing Christmas and hopefully an even more amazing start to my 2018.

Blogmas Day 21: I am so humiliated

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Today was a really difficult, complicated, confusing day. A day that I was in no way anticipating. I had a normal morning. I had a therapy appt, it went well, I went to work. I walked into work expecting a normal day, so it was to my surprise that about an hour after I got there I was told that I will be learning more about insurance in order to help out Gabby and take on a more active role in that department. I immediately felt the tears well up.

I tried to do what my psychologist taught me and distract my short term memory by counting something or reading some names on the schedule, but it didn’t work. I went to the bathroom and lightly cried and then returned to the front desk feeling a little bit better. However, I that light cry was apparently just the tip of the iceburg. When the idea was brought up again for further discussion, I got very emotional and started to cry. Up front. One of our higher ups (I’ll call her E), asked if I wanted to go to the back and take a minute so I went with her. What I wasn’t expecting was for two of our therapists to be on lunch in the back so I walked in thinking it would be quiet and alone and it wasn’t. So two therapists saw me crying, which is really unsettling for me and made me feel very embarrassed and ashamed.

After catching my breath and settling down, I realized that for some unknown reason I had brought a sticky note and pencil with me. I decided that I was going to tell E what was going on, but I didn’t want to say it because it would have kept me crying so I wrote it down. I didn’t give very many details, but I did say I am in eating disorder treatment and then I will be starting trauma counseling in mid February, so I was just feeling very overwhelmed and to walk in and find out I’m going to have more put onto my plate and more to think about, it just all kind of hit me. I felt very alone and very discouraged and still quite embarrassed because the two therapists could obviously hear what was going on.

Once I had settled down I was able to go back up front and start learning insurance things just fine. I was never against learning them, I’m scared to, because its a lot of responsibility and a lot of pressure, but I wasn’t opposed. I was just in so much shock and felt like I was just drowning in new things and new information and had so much going on that adding to my pile felt like the a ton of bricks just crashing to the floor. I couldn’t handle it.

I still feel so embarrassed, so ashamed and so small because of that event. I did not want anyone outside the two people who already knew, knowing. I especially didn’t want one of the higher ups at work knowing I was struggling. One of my coworkers maybe, like G or C or D I probably would have told because I find them to be very trustworthy and very reassuring, but I really just wanted to handle it. It is inappropriate to fall apart at work, but that’s exactly what I did. I fell apart and I am so humiliated.

Blogmas Day 20: Holy $#!t, I’m behind on Christmas!

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I just came to the conclusion that I have about 72 hours…which is really 48 because tomorrow is already booked solid, to get the following stuff done for Christmas:

  1. Get to the mall to buy my mom’s other gift
  2. Bake at least 2 desserts for one of my best friends for his Christmas gift…shoot
  3. Go to the store to buy all the ingredients for said friend’s Christmas gift
  4. Print out pictures for my other best friend’s husband so he can finish her Christmas gift
  5. Buy gift cards for a couple people
  6. Get to everyone’s house to gift exchange…oh yeah
  7. Wrap everyone’s gifts!

I essentially have 48 hours to do all of this…why did I do this to myself? Last year I had Christmas done by like…Cyber Monday and last year was so much crazier! I am so very clearly on top of my game this year. It’s insane. I am just…I got this guy. JK I’m losing my $#!t. Wish me luck!!

Blogmas Day 19: Ciao, Adios

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I wrote a thing tonight that I wanted to share with you guys and get some opinions on. I don’t know if it’s one piece or two separate pieces that I just put together but shouldn’t be or what…but I hope you enjoy reading it!

Ciao, Adios

You smile at me

It’s unsettling

You’re gritting your teeth

I’m falling to my knees

I’m looking away

Scared to leave your place

Cause last time I tried

I saw that look in your eyes

And I knew I was trapped,

In this hell where I couldn’t fight back

But I have been here for too long

It’s about time I tell you I’m done

 

And I say,

Ciao, adios, see you never, here’s a toast

To us being over and done

To this war I’ve finally won.

And I say,

Keep my stuff, I don’t care, turn it into ashes piercing the air

This is my time to celebrate

Say goodbye, I’m walking away